We’re Calling This a Duck

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I went downtown yesterday to begzor for a job. There was an open house at a downtown shop for retail work.

I have been out of retail for ten years now. I quit working halfway through college so I could really focus on my school work, and then I got knocked up anyway. I was lucky that I didn’t have to keep working then. After that I had grad school, writing gigs, or work I find more satisfying than selling stuff. But here it is, two months into my job search and I’ve turned up nothing, and done office-type temp work exactly once. I am working on some content writing stuff for websites right now, but one I accepted for trade and experience, and the other…I don’t know when I’ll see that money. As usual, I am juggling about twelve balls, but none of them are resulting in regular paychecks.

I found myself staring at the bottom of receipts when I would come back from the drug store or the department store. “Now hiring for seasonal help!” How long is too long to wait before taking the kind of work that you can get but does not line up with your 75-year plan? I guess the only way to answer that is to factor in your mental state and where your bank account is at. I decided I would apply for retail if it went two months, but that I would try not to get 100% wretched retail.

So the idea of an open house is that while you fill out your application, the managers chat you up. I dressed a little boho so I would give the impression that I would fit in with the vibe of the store (not a stretch really, which is why I applied there). I was wearing my red mary jane Fluevogs and just kind of rocking the funky monkey thing. Someone who worked there recognized my shoes and said, “Oh, vegan shoes! They do the vegan ones!” I kind of smiled at her with the knowledge that not only were my shoes leather, but that I also had two garage sale furs in my closet and a death mink. Also that I would probably eat an animal of any size whole in front of anyone at any time. Send the evite; I’m there. Move out of the way, I might accidentally take a bite out of your rump. There was a lot of vegan chat. Apparently world Vegan Day is November first.

Then I got into a conversation about what I have “been doing recently.”

“Oh, I’m a freelance writer,” I said. “It’s slow right now. I need to make some money for the holidays.”

“A writer! Are you going to write about us?”

“Yes,” I said. “But I will change your names.”

Later I got into a conversation with the manager, who told me she was vegan. We chatted about Oprah and PETA and Prop 2 in California. Another associate popped in and asked if I had tried a certain product and the manager informed them that “No, SJ is vegan.”

EEP.

Today I got the call. I’m in. Training starts in two weeks.

It made me think about vegan shoes. I have heard of “recyclable” vegan shoes, but I imagine most of them go on the tip, and we know that leather shoes usually last many times longer than plastic ones. Since I guess I am an inherently cruel person who endorses many varieties of subjugation, I guess I’ll have to go with the renewable resource: a cute cow with big blinky eyes.

31 thoughts on “We’re Calling This a Duck”

  2. Wooden shoes? “I’m not vegan, just Dutch.”

    There’s an office slave job at Julia’s clients in Freellard. 10-20 hrs/wk. But they’re archeologists, so they’re requiring a college-edumacated slave. Inquire within.

  3. Wel Damn, SJ I wanted to email you private like but it don’t look like that is possible. I read you every day but did I miss something? Are you still with Library man? Please clairfy since I like live through you and everything.

    Just askin.

    T.

  4. On your first day just wear the death mink and say, “Vegan? Noooo, I’m a freegan.” Then point to their lunch and ask if they are going to eat that?

  5. I’m telling you, apply as a Technical Writer!!! You got da’ skilz baby! Do it!

    Lot’s-o-Tech Writer jobs out where you are. I work with people who have Tech Writing degrees who couldn’t edit their way out of a paper bag! You’re a (vegan) shoe-in for the position. As long as you can write and edit, you can be a Tech Writer. A lot of people transition from education degrees, English degrees, etc. into this field.

    What do you have to lose? Go to Monster or Careerbuilder and take a look at what’s in your area. If you need help streamlining your resume to apply, let me know and I can help.

  6. Hooray for a job! I need to check on an app today, wish me luck.

    I know there is no way to make myself look funkyfreshcool, so I just go for “clean and more or less groomed” and that mostly works.

  7. So if they find you out about that meat thing, are you out again?

    Oh and while I’ll eat all sorts of different animals, I’m voting yes on 2 because I fully support not lifting cows with forklifts, and allowing chickens to turn around in their cages.

  8. I would vote yes on 2 if given the chance as well. I like the humane deaths.

    Man, I hope I’m not out once they discover my secret identity as a lambitarian.

  9. I applied for a job at anthropologie because my friend is a manager there, and I was striking out on the job hunt. Also, I am burned out on offices. Anyway, they make you take this QUESTIONABLE MORAILTY test that is 68 questions, and you can answer on a scale from 1 to 10, “Strongly Agree” to “Strongly Disagree.” One of the first questions was, “I used to be habitually late for work, but that is behind me now.”

    I was waiting for the question, “I have finally stopped beating my wife.”

    No surprise, I failed the test, since I over-thought it. So I am now banned from Anthropologie, Free People and Urban Outfitters for the next 12 months. It’s probably for the best.

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