TV Party Tonite

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Yeah! It is fucking raining, raining, raining, with no end in sight. We gave ourselves the best gift you can gift yourself with without taking your pantses off: Cable TV! Senor Cheepypants was very surprised to learn that non-utterly-basic cable is now $40 a month. I say, “welcome to the amazing year 1997, Mr. Husband.” Next we are going to work on getting him an email account that doesn’t get disabled in three months due to disuse. Maybe someday he’ll even turn on the Interneck and read my blog. Like, maybe when Paris Hilton emerges fully formed from my asshole.

So, goodbye bunny ears! No more tuning, twiddling, cursing, throwing the antenna across the room! No more late video fees, because between Bitchbuster prices and fees, we were paying the equivalent of monthly cable, I think. No more desperate flipping between our five channels: “Okay honey, here’s our choices: Elimidate. An early episode of Just Shoot Me. Blind Date. A later episode of Just Shoot Me. That Canadian alien, Leslie Miller, on FUKS news. Hey, it’s Elimidate again.” Also, no more reading on Friday nights! Erm…uh-oh.

Anyhow, with all the wonders of our modern world, there is always something to watch. The other night I saw a woman wearing SEVEN RINGS on one hand on the shopping channel. Why don’t I own a four-carat CZ? Why? Why? I have also watched What Not To Wear 78 times since Friday, because I love to hate those fashion bitches. I have seen Steve Irwin on seven separate channels in one night, each time with those fucking teeny shorts on. How many pairs of those do you think he has? Are you seeing a closet with nothing but teeny shorts like I am? He was on Conan saying that you can’t say “fanny pack” in Australia, because “fanny” is slang for a woman’s No-No Place, which I think I have heard before. But he did not say, “A fanny is slang for a woman’s No-No Place.” He said, “A fanny is slang for a woman’s…Front Bottom.”

Front Bottom! New band name! I am going to start dropping that one all over the place.

“Kiss my Front Bottom!”

“I can pick up a bottle of Coca-Cola with my Front Bottom.”

“My Front Bottom is itchy because I filled it with jawbreakers.”

Bottom line, or should I say FRONT BOTTOM line, cable TV=1, Reading=0. I will survive this rainy-ass weather yet.

18 thoughts on “TV Party Tonite”

  3. Man, you reference the best-ever “I, Asshole” post (Vaginabreakers), make use of my favorite euphamism for genetalia (“No-No place”), AND have some super-advanced special effect where Paris Hilton is shooting (fully formed) out of your ass. Really, there’s no stopping you, SJ.

  4. My cousins used to say “front bum” when we were kids. I think my aunt told them to.
    I always thought it was a little creepy.

  7. Oh, no. I really like the MS Paint stuff. Really, I do. Because if you’d somehow Photoshop’d Ms. Hilton hanging out of your ass . . . that may have been over-the-top.

  8. An old Barbra Streisand song from ‘Funny Girl’ had the line. ‘There’s a secret Fanny that no one ever sees’. Which went down well in England.

  10. My first wife used to call the whole damn thing her butt (ass & vagina) . Notice she is now an ex.

  11. I always grew up thinking that a ‘front bum’ is that weird overhanging pouchy gut that seriously obese women get. Once they’re big enough, they get a crease down the middle that looks like a, well, bum.

    And what you call a ‘fanny pack’, we call a ‘bum bag’. They’re equally daggy though.

  12. Fannypack is also a rap group from Brooklyn:

    “um hmm that’s right uh huh
    oh no
    fix yourself girl
    you got a
    Camel Toe
    um hmm thats right uh huh
    oh no
    fix yourself girl
    you got a
    Camel Toe”

    “Camel Toe”, by Fannypack

  13. Yeah–the front bottom? Doesn’t work for me. But it could work for a band name.

    I greatly prefer no-no place.

    Yes, Vaginabreakers is a work of art. But it never occurred to me when reading it that it is a really good thing you didn’t put atomic fireballs in there.

    And hey–why can’t it still be fanny pack anywhere ‘fanny’ equals ‘no-no place.’? I think that a zipped compartment filled with something necessary that you carry around with you is a very good metaphor for the no-no place. (All the while realizing it isn’t what is intended by ‘fanny pack’–It isn’t supposed to indicate similarity between the fanny and pack.)

  14. I can her it now, “This show used to be cool, but now it sucks Front Bottom!”

    Aahhhh, the merging of cable TV and Aussie slang, what could be finer??

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