Boy howdy bear moon sauce am I sick. I have this cold that makes my head feel like it is a balloon on a string. (Advice from my babydaddy today: “Avoid needles.” What kind of fucking fortune cookie is he, I ask you?)

You will be thrilled to know I have a [OPRAH VOICE] “MEEEDIATION APPOINTMENT!!!” next month to discuss going back to 50/50 time with Franny. He wants to “wrap it up” before school starts. When SeaFed was sending me DEMAND LETTERS back in May demanding that we switch back, I suggested mediation, since that’s our conflict resolution process. He refused to mediate, so I let the matter drop, telling him I didn’t feel comfortable entering into further unofficial agreements with him at this time without a real deal witness present. Enter this month, and mediation is now this like, groovy idea he had, you know?

I’m not sure what the most fun part is–the appointment is at my old lawyer’s office (best quote from my lawyer, turning white as we walked into court: “Jesus Christ, we got the father’s rights judge.”), or could be it that this is all initiated by SeaFed because he wants a change now (we are still not saying the words CHILD SUPPORT in any communications), or perhaps it’s that the mediator is more expensive than my lawyer at $225/hour, christ. I keep innocently asking him why he wants this change now and the best he’s been able to come up with is “becuz.”

I think mediators deserve $225 an hour to deal with this level of impending asshattery. I sort of wish we could just go fuck off and spin our tires in the mud, because that would be the same, and yet more entertaining. Considering live tweeting the appointment, or at least bringing a tiny whiteboard to make a hashmark every time I say some flavor of “NO!” I’ll bring my laptop and be all “lol hold up dog I need to get that quote down.”