And get ready cuz this is about to get heavy
I just settled all my lawsuits
“Fuck you, Debbie !!”

–Emenem, “Without Me”

Sup, breeches. Today is my five-year blog anniversary. No, I will not be calling it a Blogoversary. Or an Assaversary. Do I have to slap a bitch. Yes, I know I was on involuntary hiatus for a while, BUT I SAYS IT’S FIVE YEARS, okay? As I have mentioned on my about page, I started this blog to braindump all the evil and stupid things I had done in my life. At that point, it was just itching to burst out of me.

I popped my blog cherry by posting my very first entry at http://i-asshole.diaryland.org. It was about an experience I had as a teenager taking…shortcuts on, ahem, personal lubrication. I got a piece of fanmail that very day (ooohm, portentious), which I will reproduce here for your pleasure.

Hey you asshole faggot!

Noone wants to hear about your pervy sex life! People like you should go fuck them selves or put up pictures so we can see what kind of faggoty shit your talking about. Dickbrain.

I couldn’t put up pictures then, as I had no access to a digital camera or paid server space. This is probably good, because inspired by this, I might have just become a pictorial sex blogger or a camwhore. Instead I was forced to Use My Words.

Eventually I got tired of writing about my past dickbrainism, like all the kids I had spit on, and about torturing my lil’ sister by ruining her science experiment, so I switched to the present tense. The historic entry, which would have been nice if it would have shown me as an older, wiser, reformed asshole, was about me torturing Seattle Federline by fucking up the cement he had been working on all afternoon. I am no peach to live with, I tells you. And let me also tell you he didn’t laugh at the end. I made that up! HAW!

(Wait, my lawyer is telling me what what I meant to say was, I AM and ALWAYS HAVE BEEN a total peach. Such a peach that little boys named James are always trying to follow me around. That’s better.)

I was totally anonymous then, and I used to get emails that started “Dear Asshole,” which I enjoyed. A couple months later I was written up on the Weblog Review as a man, but I got five stars, so it’s okay, right??? I have emailed them and asked them to update my URL, but they don’t seem terribly interested in doing that.

Two days after I started my blog, the National Bummer happened. I clicked around blogtown, which was smaller in them days *hocks out tabbacy juice*. Bloggers everywhere seemed to have a reaction. Some wrote very personal posts about New York and terrorism, others wrote angry political screeds, and other people just chunked up blurry U.S. flag gifs.

I had no reaction but silence. I was so new I didn’t feel like I had anything to contribute. I thought about letting my newborn blog languish and going outside and appreciating life and hugging a squirrel or something. But then I wouldn’t be able to work on my burgeoning librarian can, would I? I came back with the “classic” post, Vaginabreakers. The Rest is (slightly sordid and often-soporific) History.

So next week, starting Monday, I will pull one post every until Friday (yes, that’s one day for each year, Mathletes) and discuss it. I will tell you something you didn’t know, like what was really going on that I wasn’t writing about. I will track down a scanner and there will be pictures…dear god, there will be real life pictures. You will see what a Fatty McFatfat I became after I had Franny. You will see what passed for clothes when I was in my Gwen Stefani/hip-hop phase in 2003. Woof. It will be I! True Asshole Story!

Prepare yourself for Marital Misery! Tales of Unstoppable Racks! Real Behind-the-Scenes Scoop! ASSMITTENTRY! Unflattering Fashion Choices! Pictures of Me, Cute and Not-So-Cute! There may even be Dancing Strudels to break things up.

This is going to be intense, and I hope we will all still respect each other by Friday. Oh, who am I kidding? I am that chick who is pantsless and drinking Diet Coke out of a brown bag ten minutes into a party. Well, stick around to point and laugh then.