Why I Don’t EVER Write About Blogging “Rules”

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(WOW, I know, SHOCK! I’m actually writing about blogging for once. Usually I try to keep myself as far away from the “blogosphere” as humanly possible. This is not to say I don’t read blogs–I certainly read them. I just got tired of the metacirclejerking around 2002 or so. I don’t even have a category called “blogging” and so I will slap this under “ranting” I suppose.)

Today I read a blogpost that made my blood boil. I know, I know, I’m the excitable type to begin with. I was going to link it and tear it apart, shred by delicious shred. And then you could read it, too.

But the conclusion I came to was that it was really a boring post by a boring blogger. You don’t need to see that, and she doesn’t deserve your eyeballs or the ad revenue.

In a nutshell, the post was ANOTHER one of those tedious diatribes on how to blog. This always results in two things, especially among the more popular blogs. The first thing it results in is the deluge of fawning commenters. “JOO are so right! No one has ever been righter! I am going to print this list out and have it tattooed on my arm! Blogging Commandments! No one has ever thought of that before!” The word “netiquette” is tossed about, which makes me want to further stab my eyes out. Or, like, grow new ones for the restab. I dunno.

The second thing is the Wave of Self-Righteousness, wherein the holy and correct bloggers take turns patting themselves on the back for their fastidious and careful blogging, via comments and backlinking. A commenter even went so far as to say, and I paraphrase because I will turn this internet around if I have to look at that post again, “my lawyer husband told me I would be screwed in a custody battle with the post I wrote yesterday.” WTFBBQ? Did you really spawn with that? Good thing he’s letting you know exactly how far you can go. I wish I had a husband who would do that for me. He could also inform me of the proper length of my hemline and other appropriate, ladylike ways to comport myself online and off.

Longtime readers know that I blogged about my life while I was married, and my online writings were used in an unsuccessful bid for stripping me of my rights to see my older child. I was called a “pornographer” and was accused of exposing my children to sexual predators through my blog. I was even called INAPPROPRIATE. Oh noes! The “I” word. I take responsibility for choosing to blog, even though I knew he was a sketchy guy who I witnessed doing morally grey things many, many times.

You know what my real mistake was? It wasn’t that I dared to put my life out there at all. It’s that in my situation, I wasn’t open ENOUGH. I covered up the fact that my fucking lazy ass husband wasn’t going to work and all the weird bullshit that went down in our marriage. I did not post about how he neglected her, who was helpless (and, less importantly me, who is not helpless) and he took this as an opportunity to show the court what a great dad he was, because I only posted the positive things. I was ashamed of the conditions we were living in and writing, reaching out to other people who were laughing to prevent themselves from crying so I wouldn’t lose my fucking mind. This meant that for the most part, I wrote about my past. Where I did horrifying things like have sex with consenting adults and steal candy from the neighbor kid. I’m a revolutionary, I tells ya.

So if blogs are to be taken as gospel in court by idiots who can’t read between the lines, or by assholes who will turn your words against you, then I am not going to censor myself for the sake of propriety or insulate myself against future bullshit.

I am not perfect. I am not nice, which is different than being polite. But for fuck’s sake, my life is interesting to me, and I want to be interesting online and off. If I wanted some fake-ass representation of myself up, I would just post a picture with a bag over my head with a smile drawn on it. And, you, when you censor yourself so much, you are BORING. Well, to me anyway. Based on some of the more popular bloggers, someone out there is eating up BORING with a spoon on toast.

ADDITIONALLY, there was some tongue-wagging in the comments of the heinous post I am alluding to about “certain mommybloggers” who are not Actin’ Proper in their blogs. Boy are they cruisin’ for a bruisin’. And you don’t enjoy watching trainwrecks (LIAR), but they will get what they deserve for feeding their kid Lucky Charms three meals in a row, or not vacuuming or some crap and brazenly declaring this publicly. Oh yes indeed. HOW DARE YOU ACT HUMAN. Motherhood is a tough gig, man, with long hours and few benefits. Some days I cannot remember why I am doing this, like, all day. (And this is not the part where I write, “And then Madison gave me a gummy smile and it was all worth it.” That sentence ended where I stopped it. We do not roll like that around here.)

You know, all those trainwrecky people who you may or may not be watching, their lives may hit that wall. They will probably live through it. They will probably learn something. They do not need blogging rules. They need to figure it out for themselves. And don’t think I didn’t see what you did there, with your comment that people should Digg your post. So glad you are writing altruistically for the benefit of the confused blogging hordes.

And this is why I do not make rules for blogging.

34 thoughts on “Why I Don’t EVER Write About Blogging “Rules””

  1. If you ever go fake-ass, could you at least cut some holes in the bag and pull hair through? I like your hairs.

    How’s jury duty?

  3. Dude, I think you just broke at least one of the blogging rules. Or maybe not the rules per se, but the other additional guidelines so graciously offered up.

    That whole thing was just kind of….dumb. It was kind of like reading an college admissions essay or something. Safe. Boring. Makes you think that person would probably always do their homework on time.

    You know, I was having a really rough day, and the kids were driving me KA-RAZAY…but then madison FINALLY passed out and I had a big glass of bourbon, signed her up for day care, and decided that life was worth living after all.

    Only joking. I don’t have kids. But I have seen them and lived with them, and observed the fact that a gummy smile often just means one more thing that needs cleaning up.

  10. So strange. Today I was about to write a post about my blog and how I want to post some of my more insane moments. And then face that after that I can never go to Blogher never since I would have to be the crazy lady there and it might leak into my life where I am forced to hide my craziness. Alas. I’m still torn about how far to go. I use anonymity to avoid self-censorship and I still self-censor. Self-censorship is hard to avoid. People lie in their diaries, even. There’s a lot to say on that subject.

    Oh Lordy, SJ you know back in former incarnation on the internet I was all over your site and there are some posts from those days that were beyond genius. VAGINABREAKERS WILL NEVER DIE. Oh, you completely got me onto this writing on the internet thing, back in the day. I don’t even know what the scene really was back then but to me, you were the queen of the scene.

    I still want to strangle whatshisname for those months (more than a year!) of deprivation. I kept that link up even to your old site because it was just to depressing to delete it. There are so many things I could strangle him for. You are very measured in your discussion of him and still it is like I can almost taste and smell his annoyingness. Now that’s good writing!

    THANK YOU FOR COMING BACK. Whatever you want to say, I want to hear it. But I’m like ‘more cowbell!’ Don’t hate me for wanting more ‘youth of SJ’ stories (I loved the SJ runs away story) Don’t be annoyed like Neil Young is when the fans yell out “Heart of Gold!”

  12. You RAWK!

    You are extremely real and an incredible writer. You have more talent and authenticity in your nose hairs than some I’ve met in my life. Don’t let the bastards drag you down sweetie.

    I think I have a slight girl crush on you!

  13. JOO are SO right!

    There was a time I was writing really personal stuff on the internet. I have since yanked it all down, but my one regret is that I censored myself. There are some places I just wouldn’t let myself go, trying to protect myself from reality or something. Given that I was hauled into court because of it I really just should have let ‘er rip I think the whole truth would have protected me more than pieces of the truth.

    I just rambled up your comments.

  14. I don’t even bother reading those annoying fucking posts. If the title warns me, I am out of there faster than a bran muffin out of an octogenarian. If I get suckered in by an innocuous opening paragraph, and THEN get hit with the Smuggy Smuggerson Rules, still will I click away faster than shit.
    I loved your rant. Would hug you, if only you were nice. But you are not. You said so right up there.
    Heh.

  15. There is no point to participating in this medium (or any other) without honesty. Honesty in thought, opinion, and emotion. Those who write only sunshine and light in their blogs are like the people who clean up before the cleaning lady comes. It’s a farce, it’s boring, and a waste of everyone’s time. I
    n my first ever post, I said this of you, and your blog:
    “(I,Asshole is)S.J.’s more than excellent blog, about, well.. everything and nothing. About Life for lack of a better. Very funny, crass, witty, well spoken and honest, above all honest.”
    This is why I read your blog, and what I admire in you. Would that everyone held themselves to your standards.

  17. Amen! And when you hear the snarling from this corner it’s for the posts that end “I may have baby snot in my hair and poop under my nails, but now my life is complete…” Ugh. Thanks for your honesty and your blog.

  18. And once again I am forced to delurk just so I can profess my mad love for you, which totally makes me sound like a stalker and/or a dork.

    PS. So glad that I am not the only one who kept ahold of your link during The Hiatus because it would have been too sad to delete it.

    PPS. I just found out we know someone in common! In real life! I had to touch her on the shoulder ’cause hearing she knew you was like, being near a celebrity.

  19. For years I had a blog that was intended solely for my wonderfully sicko friends. I censored absolutely nothing in it, even when I got wind of the fact that my 87 year old grandmother had stumbled across it and damn near went into cardiac arrest from reading it. It wasn’t until just recently that I started blogging in a more public forum, so I just recently started doing a little research on the so-called “rules” of blogging.

    It seems that if I follow the rules in my new blog, there won’t be a damn thing in it worth a look, seeing as the whole point of my blog is to make fun of people, call the spade a spade, and tear down illusions that arrogant, 2 dimensional people employ to make themselves feel better about who they are.

    Soooo, that said, thank you TRULY for addressing this issue, and so eloquently at that! I would never have had the opportunity to do so in my own blog, and I would never, ever have been as clever about it either. Snaps, props, kudos, and all that.

  21. When people write blog posts about how SURRIOUS blogging is,it just makes me think that the writer is a total douchenozzle.

  24. Wow. You continue to be a bloga and woman of real distinction. True to yourself, true to your art. Shouting ‘INTEGRITY AND HONESTY’ from the the rooftops with some placards reading ‘NO SELL OUT AND NO CENSORSHIP’
    Keboard in the air and beaming with the knowledge that you are in the right. For the right reasons – Your Children.
    Keep on Fighting the Good Fight.
    Im Monkeying around the World with my Fist held aloft Proudly shouting ‘SOLITARITY AND MOTHERS RIGHTS’

    As always SJ,
    You have my
    ULTIMATE RESPECT.

  26. There are rules to this crap? Are you kidding me? I know I am a newbie and all, but I thought you blogged cauz you wanted to say something. Chances are it

  27. I think that bloggers should be aware of the risks involved in writing and shouldn’t put anything on the internet they’re not ready for any/everybody to read. But like, I also think that people should give up their seats on the bus to anyone significantly more burdened (by age, pregnancy, or excess of baggage) than they are. People who need to know how to behave are not usually encouraged to do so by “rules”, though it’s probably useful for people who are new to blogging (or to public transportation, I guess) to know that there are some general rules. The fact that many people won’t hear the rules until they’re on the other side of them (fired for something they wrote, or I guess to keep the parallel going standing on the bus next to a seated teenager, nine months pregnant and carrying a box with an unassembled stroller in it) is why posting them can seem ridiculous to the people who already follow them for their logic or shun them for their lack of relevance.

  28. Great! I feel like the douchebag of the universe now. I just posted my 1,000 post the other day and did a lil countdown.. yadda yadda.. and the whole time I kept thinking I had more important, less incriminating things to do. But I did it anyway. Ironic I should find your blog today. I’m linking you!

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