The Asslets Don’t Fall Far From the Asstree

Today, I am making a note of today. This is a special day. Today is the day when my spawn turned on me.

I knew something was coming. Recently, as in the past few months, I noticed the tide had turned when Strudel’s speech became clearer. I “the jig is upped” Franny about this.

“Now you will have to be nice to your sister, because she can tell on you,” I told her.

Strudel was making such great leaps that Franny would be gone at her dad’s for two weeks and would come back and say, “WHOA, she sounds so different!” Strudel would jump from babytalk like “mi-mi” to full-on “mitten” in two weeks. Most recently Strudel is dropping the nickname “Ditter” for “sister” and is calling Franny by her real, long, and unwieldy name.

They are doing this thing now where they are clumping together with their heads tilted in, having these very quiet conversations as they build their Lego buses that stop when I get too close. I am an adult, a very tedious and bossy one, and am not in The Club. They also seem closer now that they are sharing a room together. There is greater empathy for each other when they get hurt or wake up scared in the middle of the night. A four-year gap seems to make less difference now that Strudel can talk a mile a minute as well.

So this weekend is the EVIL five-day holiday known as “midwinter mini-break” (what the fuck is that, I ask you?) and they had Friday through today off. Today was the day they became complete hivemind on me and began to use “we” when addressing me. I would ask them to do something and they would glance at each other.

“WE don’t want to clean up the crayons,” Franny explained. “WE want to go to the park.” She looked at her sister.

“WE don’t want to! NOOOOOOOO!” Strudel said.

“Oh hell no,” I said. Franny used to be mild and obedient, but now she has decided to turn her sister on me like a firehose.

Later, at the grocery store: “We’re hungry! FEEED USSS.”

What is this WE crap? Don’t you understand I am supposed to be pitting you against each other?

“Of course you’re my favorite, you’re my first child.”

“Of course YOU’RE my favorite, you’re the baby.”

Don’t you want to jockey to be the favorite daughter? Apparently not. It’s united front-ho around here, and I have a feeling they are enjoying their newly-formed lobby and the power that is coming with it.

Because they know. They know I am weak. They are smelling blood and flabbergastedness coming off my pores. WE? Really? It’s just strengthening my resolve to really go for that purse chihuahua after all.

15 thoughts on “The Asslets Don’t Fall Far From the Asstree

  1. Heh. We have Team Destruction around here too. But their whispering has remained audible. They think because we tend to ignore them, we must not be able to hear their evil plans. It would be smart to say we’re choosing our battles, but we’re really just lazy parents.

  2. A dark day in motherhoodland indeed! Good luck with that. I’d offer advice, except that 1. no one ever wants advice, and 2. I know diddly about childrearing. Godspeed.

  3. An alternative theory is that Franny is referring to herself as the royal “We”, while Strudel has mistaken this for the commie “we”. In which case, they will soon enough be at each other’s throats, a la “Animal Farm”.

  4. So it’s out with the old regime and in with the new. Or so they think. They have no idea that once you recover you will rain down evil all over them! My boys tried this too…are still trying actually. But I am old and evil while they are young and inexperienced. They will never win.

  5. Heh. My mom always said she was glad when my sister and I ganged up on her, because she felt like that was the way it should be. My mom is weird. Of course, we still gang up on her, and she’s not so accepting of it now that she can’t just send us to our rooms.

  6. This is when you need to have a united front against them. I recommend bringing in a neighbor who can pretend to be a dangerous mobster.

    PS. Midwinter mini-break sounds like something involving pumpkin juice and magic wands.

  7. Just wait until they are grown and vying for the title of Good Daughter. You will be swimming in Mother’s Day/birthday cards and swag!

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