Breaking News: Interviews for the thesis begin tomorrow. The consultant is here and had lunch with the Mayor of Assholeport today.

Rather than assisting me with data collection as was expected, the consultant will instead watch the me do interviews and then tell me what I did wrong. Then, on Friday, the consultant will be feted at a United Way luncheon while the data collector sits under the table, begging for scraps.

Following an informal survey conducted by this station earlier this afternoon, four out of ten residents of Assholeport believe the Mayor is doing a “good job.” Two out of ten declared the Mayor “totally incompetent.” One respondent claimed that the Mayor is a “sexy bitch.” The final three made an obscene gesture and walked off.

Weather: Mostly sunny. A 60% chance of cross-town stalking with a 30% chance of laying on hardwood floors and being pathetic and crying in the afternoon. A 100% chance of feeling better about being given a second chance at something worthwhile.

Human Interest Segment: A recent study has revealed that three-year-old girls really like Mylar balloons with Barbie’s terrified visage printed on them. Said the lead scientist of this study, Frannie’s Mom: “Dude. If you hit me with that balloon again I am going to pop that motherfucker.” The study also revealed that it is possible that my mother is trying to intentionally irritate me. No, seriously, you spend an hour-and-a-half, two-bus extravaganza with a Mylar balloon that is larger than your child. You would be paranoid too.

Sports: No worthwhile sports were engaged in in Assholeport today, unless you count some vigorous jumping up and down in the dressing room of Super Jock-n-Jill as the Mayor selected a new jog bra. It is projected that the Mayor will go running tomorrow morning, engaging in her usual practice of imagining that she is running on the face of every person who is irritating her.