I have had boys in my life for a long time, and I have discovered one thing: I like them, despite the fact that most of them have special boy brain damage. This is the variety of brain damage where they love you, and you love them, but every now and then the filter slips, or gets all clotted up, or was never there to begin with. Especially if they get comfortable with you, God forbid.
Exhibit “A”
High School Boyfriend: “I think you’re beautiful.”
Me: “Thanks!”
HSB: “I have to admit, though, I thought you were kind of weird-looking at first. You have that kind of face that has to grow on a person.”
Me: “Overshare!”
Exhibit “B”
I remember getting ready for a friend’s wedding–I must’ve been about nineteen. I was doing my usual careful but clumsy job with the eyeliner, and it took me about twenty minutes or so to quit futzing with my face. I was pleased with the results, my hair, and my dress, which was pretty rare for me.
My ex-husband saw me come out of the bathroom and took a hard look at me.
“I really like how it looks like you don’t spend too much time worrying about how your makeup looks. You just do it fast and then you’re done,” he said.
The backhand, it is painful.
Exhibit “C”
My companion and I were talking a couple of days ago about the types of people we tend to date.
“I used to date a lot of hippie-type girls,” he said. Not surprising, as this is a man who considers moisturizer to be a luxury item, the same way many of us consider a full day at the spa to be a luxury.
I was putting on eyeliner again (I never give up), and replied, “I think I tend to date people who are the opposite of me.”
He thought about this for a minute.
“So, you date people who aren’t overly concerned about their personal appearance?”
It gets better…yesterday morning we were talking about his archiving job. He works with old photos and I said was surprised to learn that he gets to throw out duplicates at his discretion.
“Well,” he said. “Imagine if I took eight pictures of you, standing here right now. How many would you really want to keep?”
“None!” I said. “My face is breaking out.”
“Again?” he said.
I have taken this minor, unthinking abuse from all of them for years, and I say to myself, “At least he puts out.” And then I remember: they all put out. I heart boys!
They’re poetic, aren’t they?
perhaps you should go back to girls?
Hmm…I thought about it. But I have been sucked into Boyland. For now. :)
Yay, Boyland. My companion (I like that) doesn’t give a fuck about my unshaven legs, and he takes longer to get ready in the morning than I do. It’s terrific.
I’ve got one for you:
Me: “I’m going to get my haircut now. What do you think–let it grow or cut it short? Which looks better?”
Him: “Hmmm. You hair always looks best when your face is thin.”
story of my life. or at least my current relationship.
i *heart* SJ.
i feel you SO HARD on this one.
How’s this:
“I’ve had sex with girls who were better at it than you are, but it feels better with you anyway.”
Ummm… thanks??
there should be a book of these things!
i was hanging with a guy friend and it was about 2 degrees out and we decided to go bar hopping….. so we come out of the warmth and into the frigid air and i said, “damn it’s cold, i am freezing my ass off”… he looked at my ass and said, “you have a little more freezing to do” i wanted to pop him one…i wear a 6-8…stupid men.
we heart girls right back, we just often have difficulty saying it in such a way that you can hear.
y’know?
I so prefer the honest touch.
This is how mine used to be…
Our (i.e., females) vociferous objections to the blunt comment is what makes them deceptive. I’ve tried so hard to explain to my husband: Just ’cause I FREAK OUT TOTALLY doesn’t mean you shouldn’t TELL ME.
He’s so damn tactful now. I guess I shouldn’t complain…but I want to know his ‘bad thoughts.’
I really shouldn’t blame him, though for now never letting a damn thing slip.
You make up the best words, SJ. Overshare! Assmitten!
Booyah!
Yes we men really *are* from Mars.
Thankfully we have all the penises.
Me: Damn – so many weird-looking guys!
She: Yeah, I’m standing next to the best lookin guy in the place!
Me: Daw *blushes*
She: Bends double laughing to reveal implausibly handsome guy on her other side.
I heart SJ’s blog, now pony up byeeatch!!!! (I really do love you!!!!)
s
OOps! I gues I mean “beeyatch”!!!
Y’know, as per Snoop an’ all….
And, BTW, it’s SO MUCH GOODNESS that they all put out…. Otherwise the human race would’ve died out long ago. I heart boys too. SO GOOD!!!!
And, also, perhaps we should all go back to girls……
Wanna hook up?
U R the devil.
I don’t remeber saying that!!! (A)
But of course I did. I’m so bad…I try to say sweet things and it gets all fucked up. Worst is when I try to get ‘poetic’ in my language. That’s when I really getting into trouble. Okay, from now on, the only thing I say to girls is, “You are pretty. Pretty, pretty, pretty. Holy God you’re pretty.”
One time I was telling a girlfriend how much I loved her breasts, and I said that they were pendulous. Then she looked it up in the dictionary, and I got in big trouble. God I wish I remembered all the times I had done this. I do it with Roseanne all the time. I just did one the other day.
Pretty. Omigod so pretty.
Doh!
Here’s another one:
exboyfriend:You really are beautiful.
me: Aw, thanks.
ex: Not, like supermodel beautiful (strike one).
me:huh?
ex: Well, I don’t think most men would find you attractive (strike two), You have that kind of beauty that grows on a person. (three strikes you are outta here bozo).
He did follow up with: Every time I look at you you look even more beautiful than you did before… But it was far to late by then,
Sheesh. Silly boys.
Me: Did you like my wedding dress? How come you never commented on how I looked at our wedding?
Husband: I saw the dress when we picked it up at the drycleaners.
Me: Yeah, but it was on ME at the wedding.
Husband: you looked fine.
Me: wha…
Husband: you looked nice
Okay. Nice.
I heart boys.
oh maaan they’re hopeless but they can make you feel so very fine.
i miss talking to you and i’m not going to say hang in there coz that phrase truly sucks ass, but just know the queen of the biaaatches is always thinking of you.
Ok. I feel SO GLAD that someone else has heard the “you are beautiful. but not in the conventional way”. ack. just SHUT UP after the first part. you can think it, just stop yourself. :) yeah, i think about going back to girls sometimes. but i do heart boys. i had to stop the boy from adding “to me” at the end of the sentence that begins “you are beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world”. the rest is implied and when stated it just underlines the whole “but maybe not to everyone else” bit.
the cranky rant related to the above: http://www.talkingcrow.com/blog/archives/001108.php
i feel your pain