Looking for a last-minute hostess gift for a holiday party? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place, because I will advise you to buy a box of chocolate-covered cherries and bring them to my house. Bring some wine, too. Screw holiday parties.

Seriously, last night my sister Morgan and I did a taste test of three brands of chocolate-covered cherries that can be found at the drug store. We can tell you which cherries are good and which to avoid faster than you can say, “Ow, my diabetes hurts!”

The three brands we chose are Russell Stover, Cella, and Premiere. They were purchased at Bartell Drug in the Roosevelt Neighborhood. We were looking for an old favorite, Queen Anne brand, but I think those may only be available at Walgreens. We tried to procure more chocolate-covered cherries at the nearby Whole Foods grocery, but were dismayed to discover that they only carry quality candy.

Let’s get started!

Russell Stover
Hand-Dipped Cherry Cordials
$3.99 for 4.25 oz. (10 cherries)

We decided to start with the Russell Stover brand cherries. Now, I like my cherries like I like my men, cheap and sticky, so I was a little put off by the price of $3.99. I dropped my reservations when I saw that they were hand-dipped, there was a “gore-may” mixture of milk and dark coatings, and that the package is so darned pretty. Red is your standard color for chocolate-covered cherries, so I thought it was bold for Russell Stover to break out of the mold. Morgan commented, “Nice ribboning,” when we opened the box and saw the swirly tops.

This is where our favorable impressions ended. Morgan immediately declared the chocolate “too crunchy,” and it was. The chocolate didn’t really melt in your mouth–it sort of just “broke up.” I wondered if these chocolates were really old, because the gooey centers were crystallized in places, and sort of sandy.

The weirdest part about the Russell Stover’s is that they did not taste like cherries. At all. Last night we were taste-testing with chardonnay, so I thought maybe that was screwing up my taste buds, but on a re-taste this morning I noticed they tasted more like chocolate-covered raisins.

I also have a question: how do you hand-dip something that’s basically goo? It’s a mystery.

Cella’s (Winner)
Milk Chocolate Cherries
$1.99 for 8 oz. (12 cherries)

Cella’s cherries make no bones about what they are: a quick, cheap fix for chocolate cherry junkies like me. This is always the brand with one million boxes on sale on an aisle endcap. One thing I like about Cella’s is that, unlike other brands, it is very rare to find a box where some or all of the cherries have burst or cracked. Cella’s, like Russell Stover’s, has a “liquid” center, which is a (usually) cherry-flavored goo the consistency of light corn syrup.

Cella’s are obviously machine-manufactured. After dealing with the disappointing lumpy/grittiness of our last test, we oohed over the uniform, unbroken appearance of the Cella’s chocolates. When we broke the wrapper, a strong fruity smell wafted out of the box, and we suspected we weren’t going to be disappointed.

Big ups for Cella’s, who have been making chocolate-covered cherries basically since the U.S. Civil War. They had an intense, artificial cherry burst of flavor, and were not crystallized or stale in any way. My only quibble is that I prefer the creamy-centered ones, but if you like the liquid ones, you will be in hog heaven.

Premiere
Milk Chocolate Cordial Cherries
$1.49 for 8 oz. (12 cherries)

Premiere chocolate-covered cherries are my stand-by for when I bumble into a Bartell’s and can’t get my hands on a box of Queen Anne brand. Premiere brand is another uniform, obviously machine-manufactured chocolate. My sister and I were a little concerned about the appearance, because they had a bloom, which may mean this box had been sitting around for a while, or was exposed to heat.

Morgan called the Premiere taste “overwhelmingly sweet” and I was inclined to agree with her. I think something was off with this box. I mean, they are always sweet, but this box kicked me in the back of the head. I think the bloom indicated sitting around too long. They do have the creamy fondant-style filling that my sister and I both love.

Also of note is the fact that Premiere offers a variety of chocolate covered cherry called “Burgundy cherries.” I tasted this kind, and the only difference I can discern is that the fondant is tinted burgundy. I wonder if this variety was created to please people who are put off by the term “cordial,” which in the U.S. is synonymous with “liqueur.” I am curious about what their “creme de menthe” cordials taste like. Ugh, disturbing.

Have fun over the holidays and be kind to your pancreas!

More taste-testing nonsense can be found here: Every-Flavor Beans.