Dear Mother-Spanking Diary,
Today a couple of cool things happened. First, Franny, Strudel, and I were on the way to the Zoo for a quick spin on the new carousel. I say quick, because today is the day she went back to her dad’s house, and she will be leaving for France tres rapidement. I reminded them that they had not arranged to get a letter of permission to take her out of the country signed by me and notarized. They seemed unconcerned about this, though, and I felt like I had done my good Samaritan bit for the day. They probably won’t have a hassle, though, as Lady Federline II and I have the same initials and same last name.
“What will you say if they ask you questions at the airport?” I asked Franny, after talking about the situation with a friend, who said her biological daughters were heavily quizzed upon reentry from Canada without birth certificates.
“I will say THIS WOMAN IS NOT MY MOTHER!!!!” she shouted.
I swear I had nothing to do with that. Good luck at the airport, Federlines.
ANYWAY, the cool thing that happened is that on the way into the Zoo I ran into Elswhere from Travels in Booland. She flagged me down and we chatted, and it was nice to meet her in person. Sometimes it really pays having the day-glo hair. Otherwise I might not have met Joshua Norton in person either.
The other cool thing was riding the carousel. I get all tied up in knots when I have to see SeaFed, so it was good to have something fun to do with Franny as a last thing. I am so glad school’s starting so we can just trade her through there again. Franny’s stepmom, though she seems to have no idea what my problem is, has taken over and I just talk to her now, which is a lot more pleasant. No more illiterate, nonsensical emails, just mindless pleasantries. I can do mindless pleasantries in a way that I can’t do PTSD, ARE YOU FEELING THAT PART OF WHAT I’M TRYING TO EXPRESS TO YOU? IS IT SQUISHY? I’d say chewy, yet crunchy.
I’m sure you’re all on tittyhooks to know how the whole barfing thing with Franny came out. Drumroll…she stopped eventually. These are the Days of our Extremely Boring Lives. On Saturday, Day of Barfing, we were stuck in the house, so to distract Franny (who wasn’t barfing constantly) I gave her some pretty smudgy eyes and took some glamma! shots with the new camera. I think I’ll have one blown up and framed, just for kicks.
Figure 1: Franny Glammy!
So on Sunday we were able to go up to Sky Nursery and get the hella fall hookup. Our yard is all MIZZLE STEWART in the HIZZY, BREECHES. I totally yoinked planter ideas from this month’s issue. YES, I am a SUBSCRIBER now. I have NO SHAME. And no volume control today. You are so lucky that you are not here to hear me actually yelling as I type this. The bug up my ass is so large today that even the Metro will yield to it, and those motherfuckers yield to no one.
FALL ATTACK! lulz
Figure 2: Planter box next to door.
Figure 3: Our big front bed, which we fertilized the hell out of this time, because the summer flowers mostly croaked or didn’t bloom.
Figure 4: AUTUMNALLY PWNED!
Despite my best efforts to keep her out, Strudel flung herself into the pond at the nursery (to the amazement of all the giganto koi). She bellyflopped in and her dad was so quick that he caught her before her back got wet. She gasped and cried and then got over it very, very quickly. Strudel knows how to live life to its fullest, for reals.
Also on Sunday my Companion sewed some minty little curtains for the basement, made from leftovers ends from Der Strudelheimer’s room. Yes, that’s her official title now. Lederhosen coming soon. I loves them. It’s nice to have someone around who, if I don’t get to things will just jump in and say, “I’ll do that” and get out his own sewing machine and shit.
Figure 5: Aww FWEE little curtains. It’s almost a room now.
In Other News: They Cause Scenes
These people are perpetrating some very non-Satanic improv in public places.
That’s such a great picture of Franny!
I know someone who was at the airport with her boyfriend and kids going to Mexico for spring break, and she had a letter from the kid’s dad, but he had failed to get it notarized, saying that it wasn’t necessary.
They weren’t allowed to go. Ruined vacation, tears, recriminations.
I know you wouldn’t dream of laughing if this happens.
You know what else whups the llama’s ass? Yeah. You know. What.
He sews?!! And he makes beautiful Strudels and catches them when they bellyflop into koi-land?
…fighting off Crush on Companion….
It was nice to meet you too! RW was a little nonplussed that I started screaming in the car “SJ! That’s SJ! HEY! HEY, SJ! HI! HI!” Which fortunately you couldn’t hear because the window was closed. And by the time I got out of the car I was somewhat calmed down. So, no one has to know about my extreme fangirl dorkiness. Except, now, the whole Internet.
Omigosh….You are my rock-idol-parent. I need my 6 year old to hang out with Frannie and glean some of that acerbic wit.
Take a hint from those slo-mo people – you need to get Frannie’s airport trip on video. AND post it. I would be eternally grateful for the laughs it would provoke.
Gorgeous photo. Have that one framed.
L
The picture of Frannie is so cute! I think that Companion should come over and whip me up some curtains too. The kids destroyed the blinds in our room, which makes me irate, but regardless, we need some damn curtains!
dude, franny looks gorgeous, like all ginger rogers and stuff!
That picture of Franny is absolutely adorible! And its great that your companion sews. I managed to stitch my sleeve to the pillow case I was sewing in Home Ec.