O. Minor Pwnage; Maximal Lulz
“So Ginger painted her living room. And Mary Ann got mad because she said Ginger was just copying her,” my acquaintance said.
“Well, no one should be mad at anyone,” her husband said. “They were both just copying the Pottery Barn catalog.”
M. New Methods in Urban Boredom
I have been angry since I’ve been back to Seatown. I am now back in the land of passive-aggressive driving, and I have decided to take this problem head on, in a fashion that is best suited to the natives.
I was driving around Fremont yesterday and going to a munie lot that was near the restaurant we wanted. I was stopped at a light and a man wanted to get out of his parallel spot in front of me. I was thinking I would let him in, but I was kind of tired and hungry, which was making me spacy.
He did that thing they always do, which is to turn on the turn signal, try to inch out, and sigh a lot. He did not look at me. I like to make eye contact with people so I can see if they’re awake, on their phones, hittin’ teh bongz, whatever. I crept forward a bit, kind of on accident, and I could see the back of his head go all agitated (seriously), and his lips were moving. Still, he did not look at me, which is the proper protocol for a Seatool.
The other proper protocol in this situation is for the driver’s girlfriend to crane around and look at you, after the boyfriend’s lips finish moving furiously. The girlfriend at this point does one of two things: 1. Frowny brows, or 2. The blank, “I’m not really involved here, I’m just checking you and your assery out” look.
That’s it. No more feeling stupid from the passive-aggressive fuckwads. My new tack is to smile. For real. And mean it. I smile and wave like I am a smiling and waving machine, who is programmed to do those two things and nothing else.
The girlfriend smiled and waved back.
I did this to someone who almost ran me down in a crosswalk a couple of weeks ago, and to someone in Boulder who was crossing the street illegally and gave us a death look because we were coming to a stop sign legally.
I like how it pulls people up short as they go, “Do I know that insane person?” GERT.
G. PSASTFU
“hey, in a completely unrelated matter, can you give me a good solid definition of assmitten?”
—Zan
Assmitten n. ‘as ‘mi-t&n c. 2003 An assmitten is a person who is foolish, but fairly benign. It’s the guy who takes the last doughnut and says “Whoops, last doughnut!” and then moves to put it back, realizes that you can’t put the doughnut back once you’ve touched it, shrugs, and then sheepishly starts eating it. Also the person who just cut you off in traffic, and they’ve got the “Beam me up, Scotty” bumper sticker and their turn signal on, indicating the direction opposite of which they just moved in.
Usage: “When I realized my tampon string was hanging out my shoe, I sure felt like a grade-A assmitten.”
Related terms: Assmittens, Assmittentry
Also, WTF, Saturn?
OK, that’s some weird Saturn thing. Is that ever going to fuel some serious conspiracy theories! Good thing it’s not a pentagram.
Thanks for the taxonomy–I usually think of myself as a dope but really I may be an assmitten after all. Good to know!
If I ever end up getting divorced it will be because my wife drives like a seattlite, and I co-pilot like a midwesterer.
If my side is clear when we are pulling out, I say so.
If the light turns green, I give 2 long drawn out seconds and say “darling, dear, love of my life I believe it is your turn to go.” If it were say my little brother driving, my response would be: “hey jackass, is there a particular shade of green you’re waiting for.” She accuses me of “backseat driving.” Which is weird because I sit in the front seat.
When I get REALLY PISSED in traffic, I wave and blow them a kiss. It’s really much more effective than flipping them off, and the last time I did that (at age 20), it got me tailgated and followed for 20 minutes.
1. I don’t think I’ve ever commented, but I read your blog daily and it never fails to amuse. You’re awesome. :)
2. Reading about the passive aggressive Seattleites is funny- I live in Maryland where it is totally the opposite. Drivers look you straight in the eye, enunciating clearly to ensure that you can lip-read their every word while they curse you out, and then go ahead with whatever illegal maneuver that they were trying to accomplish that you thwarted with your legal driving. Asshole driving is considered a sport- especially when you run the risk of being followed, hauled out of your car, and shot in response to your actions. Rock on. :)
Love the flowchart..can I steal it? haha And the defination ruled too. I hate shit drivers…just sayin. lol
Wow!
Today I learned, from Hope, that I actually live in Maryland!
I mean, the drivers here do the same thing, but their epiphets are all delivered in a lazy Southern drawl, so it takes them even longer to finish.
Hi Lorelei. Glad you found me…I’ve missed you.
And hello Hope!
And everyone else. I try to welcome the new people to lull them into a false sense of security.
OMG! Flowchart made me LOL.
I like NASA busting out the thesaurus. Odd, strange, bizarre. Thank you for passing along something for me to freak out my boy with.
Also, thanks for reminding me why I don’t like to drive.
Hahaha, Lorelai- your comment about them taking even longer to finish cracked me up. Yeah, gotta love that drawl.
Whoa-I was so wrong… Definatly thought it was a way less benign condition-closer to the infected splinter, in fact.
Thanks for clearing up the terminology.
:)