Long Commute on the Bus

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“The bus was really slow. It sucked. There was a crazy guy on it,” he said, stabbing roasted beets with his fork.

“What kind?” I said.

“He was talking about Regan.”

“Okay, like ‘good old days’ or ‘bad old days?” I said.

“Like ‘bad old days,” he said.

“Hmm,” I said.

“There was a ton of people, so I decided to talk to him. He asked me what I did, so I said I write algorithms for controlling cruise missiles.”

“HUR.”

“Yeah, that shut him up.”

I knew I loved him the first time I caught him fucking with people. It’s like me, but with peens. I need to tell a story about how I fucked with someone for two years, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.

PS, I tried to link to a story about me convincing someone on the bus I was colorblind, but I think that got et. Now I have another assignment! Currently I am trying to convince some Canadians that plasma banks are hot pick-up places in the States. It’s totally working.

As my fourth grade teacher said, there is NO EXCUSE FOR ME OR MY BEHAVIOR.

ALSO, will you please tell me if there is some kind of freaking academic term for “fucktards who use their children’s names as online handles” e.g., “Patricksmama” or “NayNaysPoopswabber.” I am striking out. Thanks, ilu.

13 thoughts on “Long Commute on the Bus”

  1. “ALSO, will you please tell me if there is some kind of freaking academic term for “fucktards who use their children’s names as online handles” e.g., “Patricksmama” or “NayNaysPoopswabber.” I am striking out.”

    Not to get all super technical on your ass but I think the term you’re looking for is Jackass. HATE those people. HAAAAAAAAATE.

  5. This same naming phenomenon exists for brides planning their weddings (which, of course, is a group I deal with online a LOT) … there are a ton of “futuremrsbrown” and “brianswife” handles out there. I suppose this is just an online indication of how frequently women define themselves in terms of their relationships (ie “I’m a wife, mother, and cruel dominatrix!”) but it’s definitely a bit icky.

    Can’t we just go back to handles like fairygrrl98112?!

  6. Yeah, I like Fucktard and think it works fine. I hate those people as well. So…when you have kids you immediately lose your real name and only exist in terms of your children?

    BLECH.

  8. Ah, but I see that as a convention of your blog type. If you are going to write primarily about your kids, I suppose it makes sense.

    I was thinking more about messageboards and how that can be your first and last information about a person. Why do people want to be perceived that way?

    And I’m sure there’s an exception to every rule, but I don’t recall seeing FredsDad as a messageboard handle, although I know there are some daddybloggers out there. I am just thinking.

    Not that it matters what I think, anyway.

  9. I only ever remember seeing one, who called his kid “Pickle” and himself “Pickle’s Papa.”
    I kind of feel like the “Emilysmama” thing is an expression of pride at being, first and foremost, this cool little kid’s parent, rather than just defining oneself solely as a parent.
    HOWEVER. The bride ones piss me off. Why is that, and what is the difference? I dunno.
    Either way, my bitch is about women who leave their five-year-old sons at Fred Meyer in the cafeteria, eating fruit cocktail all alone, while they run off “For just one second, sweetie. Don’t leave this area, okay?” and then don’t come back for 25 minutes.
    Saw that yesterday and wanted to rip her lips off.

  10. Prolly gonna piss some people off, buuuuut…. what the fuck is up with all the fucking morons naming their kids “Harley” WTF????? It was bad enough when they named their dogs “Harley” now they get some great idea to squirt out humans and name them the same thing??

  11. “identity-less nametards” perhaps. It’s particularly pathetic when they have more kids but keep the same address that lists just the first kid. The “future wife” one I sure haven’t encountered. Gross! Y’all must hang out at some horrifying bulletin boards.

    I also really can’t stand writing to women who share an email address with their husband. Especially when they are “crystalanddarthRmarried@hotmail” at home, and yet the husband ends up actually being darth@bigco.com and uses his work address, so it’s just as if the woman is trying to signify her husband-having status online, while simultaneously signalling to the husband that he has total permission to read her email so he can see she’s not having an affair. I imagine that Darth’s work computer in these cases is FULL OF ANAL DONKEY PRON.

  12. There are actually many cultures, particularly in Northwest Africa and South Asia, where women are not considered adults until they have a child. Afterward they’re known by their eldest child’s name. So, for example, you’d be “Frannie’s Mom” and that would actually be what people called you in casual conversation and such.

    I couldn’t find an anthropological term for this, which is actually sort of odd, but it’s not unheard of. Creepy and fucked up, but it does happen.

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