Out: “mommies” and “shorties”
In: “humpies”

Trust me on this one: “If you mess with my humpy, Ima be the one to break it to ya.” “I want to go kick it tonight, but I got two humpies coming back to my crib later.”

Out: age-progression
In: dragging the lake

Out: French tickler
In: Freedom tickler

I don’t make this stuff up, I just report it.

Out: genital lesions
In: back pimples

Specifically, never-ending back pimples. Yes, it’s still there. It’s a good thing I’m not a stripper, because I’d be on permanent disability by now.

Out: Kleenex
In: the tops of your large American breasts, which also serve as sauce magnets.

Where is the damn Kleenex? How can a person lose a box in a house the size of a Ford Focus?

Out: mother-trauma
In: capital “E” Ex-trauma

Out: My baby mama
In: My baby’s mother.

Ex: 50 Cent: “My baby’s mother has stabbed me worse than that.” I feel that, 50.

Out: Red wine
In: Monster Energy Drink

With a monster headrush! And monster peeing! And monster weird almost-identifiable flavor. And monster taurine? Meow? And then…monster shakes because you are just used to drinking caffiene like a NORMAL person, and not some crap that grows on the underside of a rainforest.

Out: Pervy/skeevy/sketch/nastil
In: Porny!

Ex: “That guy’s tee-shirt was so threadbare you could see some nippleage. Porny!”