Ah ha. Mmmhmm. Breathing.

I was totally afraid of this…that graduate school would be all outside of my comfort zone and I would be forced to do things that frankly make me want to take a trip to the Throw-Up Store.

So the job this summer, the job I didn’t have to interview for, fell though. The professor needed a new data-analyzing computer and I got cut. (Outkast: “They say, a damn compruter, can do the damn job better than I can damn do it.”)

But now I have an interview for a different graduate assistanceship at school today. It turns out there are ten applicants (all my peers) and the one I know of is very qualified. The worst that can happen is that I won’t get it. But it’s not just a job…it’s my Sense of Manhood.

Just kidding. You didn’t think I was going to go there, did you? Especially since I’m not a man and all? Okay, I will ramble and freak out now, so I won’t do it later. What the job actually is, is free tuition next year, insurance, and a small stipend to boot. A job where I won’t have the nickname “Breaky” or “Stealy” or “Drinky in the Back Roomy.” Whoop.

Idea: I will have the bad interview now, so I am bound to have a good one later. Cause that’s how it works, right? RIGHT?

SJ’s G.A. INTERVIEW:

Interviewer: “Hello, there, SJ. Is it ‘SJ?’ Does that stand for anything?”

SJ: “SJ stands for having a good time. No, I’m just kidding. It stands for ‘Super Jive.”

Int.: “Okay…have a seat.”

SJ: “I think I’ll stand, actually. My bum grapes are acting up again, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

Int.: “Umm…let’s get started.” (Pretends to look at resume with interest.) So it looks like you have supervisory experience?”

SJ: “Yes, well, I was the only one who didn’t quit after a week. There was nowhere to go but up.”

Int.: “Okay, and it looks like you were responsible for starting a digital slide conversion pro…”

SJ: “Did you call my reference? Did that bitch tell you I broke the scanner? Because it was like that when I found it?”

Int.: ….

SJ: “Listen, I really need this job. I was wondering if you’d talk to my other reference, my friend Alexander Hamilton here.”

Int.: “I think that’s all the questions I have for you.”

SJ: “Wanna see my tattoo?”

Yes, it will have to be better than that. RIGHT?