Glib; I’m Not Even Going to Wait for This to Get Rejected

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Hey look at me putting myself out there.

SBLOTCHYF seeking whatever, really. Must meet or exceed the following minimum expectations.

Looking for jerks in that kind of deliberately-cool sense. Bonus if you have a pompadour or skater cut you can flip while being one. Cripples are encouraged (emotional okay, physical preferred) and interesting scarring patterns. Librarians are also encouraged to reply, but only if the only time I hear about said librarianship is when the words are coming out of my mouth as I am introducing you to my super-cool friends at a party. Then you will be subjected to me going “HOT, right? MROWR,” and winking. A combination of crippled jerk librarian is ideal, but not totally necessary.

No tramp stamps.

Pole or hole or both at once, and that’s me being neither politically correct OR perverted. I am serious AND I have a signed piece of paper from three (3) sexually-ambiguous people backing this up.

You must be excited by the idea of owning a gold Jetski without immediately needing to say something stupid like, “But you realize a gold Jetski would immediately sink to the bottom of Lake Washington, right?”

Other preferences include: minimal eye contact, a hatred of furries, appreciation of and frequent use of Rule 34, telling me I don’t look a day over 48, the ability to lick the back of your knee, a GED and a McMansion (these last two items (2) must be both or nothing).

MUST have the musical taste of a fifty-year-old gay man without actually being one, because I don’t think that will work out very well, do you? Must know what ODB stands for and the ability to dance unironically to DJ Assault.

Ownership of a Mini Cooper without a twee vanity plate (I see wut you did there, BlkNTan).

Must be able to lift 82 pounds.
Must be able to stealth vomit.
Must know how to braid.

Must not mind when I enter a fugue state and shout “NO FACE!” while we are fucking.

Accents and all your own teeth a plus. If you do not have all your own teeth, then let me see your grill. Nerds, accents (convincingly fake OK) from UK A+.

NO CANADIANS.

I totally know this is going to work. Have a nice day.

P.S. If you think you are a qualified candidate, clarifying questions will be tolerated via comments.

69 thoughts on “Glib; I’m Not Even Going to Wait for This to Get Rejected”

  8. “Oh my holy word. That is all.”

    That is not a question. Please step to the back of the line.

    “Hey. Dirty. Baby I got your money. Don’t you worry.”

    While this is also not a question, I am intrigued. Please send large marked bills.

    “Dammit. I was totally making this list until the Canadians part. Damn you, country of my birth!!!”

    LIES, I know all about your dolphin tattoo.

    “So, if I already have a high school diploma, you want I should go back for my GED?”

    YES.

    “How come no Canadians? No fair, eh?”

    “And God saw that there were Canadians, and he turned his face away in shame. Go not to the Northern land of Wonder and Ignorance, where all, be they true of Faith or non-believers, shall be smoten.”

    –Joseph Smith, Palmyra, New York, 1830

    Also, when you are a visitor to a site from USistan it is customary to spare us from your cursed mother tongue.

  10. “Accents and all your own teeth a plus. If you do not have all your own teeth, then let me see your grill. Nerds, accents (convincingly fake OK) from UK A+.”

    Hate to have to break this to you:
    UK accents and all factory original teefus, are mutually exclusive.

    I am sure there are exceptions: you would totally go for someone with an ironic abe vigoda tramp stamp.
    And no, I have not been looking at http://horribletattoos.blogspot.com/ all morning.

  11. Hey, I really wanted to be a wand wizard in school but I was too shy to speak up and say so. Does that count for anything?

    I fit exactly none of your requirements (also, I’m married), but I will MOS DEF keep my eye out for such a catch. I think downtown Renton must be where this person lives. I just don’t see them living in Seattle. I don’t live in Renton, but I’ll let you know.

  12. How about Kent and Federal Way? I met some fine specimens there way back when I was a runaway haunting the communities around SeaTac. This one guy named Rich worked in electroplating and was especially pleased with his skill in electroplating roses with gold for the special ladies in his life. I think he’s definitely into gold jet skis. But he’s no librarian and he def has no Mini Cooper.

  14. I am completely dismayed to learn that I cannot, in fact, lick the back of my own knee. Clearly I am not as flexible as I thought I was. Off to do lots of yoga! And work on my fake accents.

  15. Not in the running but cracked up at the post. Thanks for the laughs.

    I did almost just got caught licking the back of my knee here at work. Almost 47 yrs old and I can lick the back of my knee, wow, I impressed myself.

  16. I would have pegged you for a sucker for the Canadian Tuxedo (DENIM ON TOP AND DENIM ON THE BOTTOM) but I suppose that proves that you never can tell.

    PS, your blog is wonderful. I usually read it when I am in my University library at 1 am and my eyes are about to fall out from trying to make essays. It restores my hope, faith, wil to live, etc.

    I was recently told that you are creepy if you read a stranger’s blog and do not comment. SO.

  18. I hope I can meet someone as f’ing kool as you in my real life one day…( I am a woman who lived in Seattle for 14 years and just moved to a red state..ugh)…keep on keeping on

  19. Well shit on me. I printed out the list, was doing well and then I got to the “NO CANADIANS” rule. I screamed at the heavens, shook my fists and screamed, “When Lord? When the hell do I get to see the goddamn sailboat?”

  21. Интересные вот происходят всетаки вокруг вещи!!

  23. Да уж Тут как люди раньше говорили Азбуку учат — во всю избу кричат )

  27. Искал реферат в Яндексе, и набрел на эту страницу. Немного информации по моей теме реферата набрал. Хотелось бы побольше, да и на том спасибо!

  29. Great! Thank you very much! I always wanted to write in my blog something like that. Can I take part of your post to my site? Of course, I will add backlink? Regards

  34. The integrated PDF Reader Kindle on the DX is also another welcome feature, since many documents in these days there are in PDF format, so it is a breeze to tote around wherever you are.

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