About all the ways to be sad. Right now I am about 26 kinds, and I am too embarrassed to tell you what they all are. When I get to about 21 I start to feel like I am on my back and someone is shoveling my mouth full of sand. Do you ever feel like that? I was thinking about undertaking a project to make a list of all the ways, but I don’t know WHAT that will serve really.
1. Death, in total
2. Dropped food
3. Dead pets from childhood
4. What you should have said
5. What you actually did say
6. Too many nachos, AGAIN
7. Misinterpreted text messages
8. Feeling sorry for yourself (sad that you are)
9. Not being able to protect your children every second
10. Saying unpleasant things in front of your children TO protect them
11. Scars that you don’t remember how you got them
12. Lying about who you are
13. Lying about who you aren’t
14. The feeling of listening to the same song over and over for a crappy reason
15. Being told to “snap out of it”
16. Empty bottle of champagne
17. Trying to have feelings to match someone else’s
18. Pulling out your favorite sweater after summer and discovering it is really ratty and you had built it up in your memory as this Ideal Sweater and then being repulsed by it
19. Half-starts to what could have probably been a really good story that you find two a.m. drunkenly and your brain starts howling JESUS FUCK I AM A CRAP WRITER
20. Memory perfume
21. Crying on the bus
22. Trying to figure out what actually matters
23. Calculating when you will die
24. Waking up and realizing that you don’t care about the thing you used to care about the most
25. Same thing, only it is a person
26. Realizing that you can fall out of love in one day
27. OR realizing it will take much longer than you thought and could this hurry up at all?
28. Seriously? Some people do get eaten by their nine cats.
I guess I am still obsessing on this “when do you stop noticing you are bleeding” business. I had a nice time in Calgary and I will tell you all about it tomorrow, when my head is more traveloguey and less stratospherey.