On Sunday I worked all day. Someone at work basically died and I got a battlefield promotion. I am sitting on the couch tickity tap tick click DING and I looked up and saw a wee brown chicken in my front yard, loose and easy. Shit. I don’t have time for this shit.

I set down my laptop and slid into my shoes and mentally prepared myself for what was probably some degree of public humiliation. Is there anything more ridiculous than a grown-ass person chasing a little fucking chicken? Not really, my friends. Not really.

I emerged onto my front lawn.

“Death Ray. I see you, Death Ray.” Suddenly I am Martin Landau in Ed Wood. “Come to me, Vampira.”

We had a chase through the bushes. Death Ray looked at me, one beady black eye at a time. She zigged and I zagged. I held my arms wide, which works for cornering them, but there was no corner. She was free, and nuts to me.

Then the crows came! They swooped, attacking this strange specimen that was on their turf. Death Ray ran further and further away, bolting down the sidewalk. This is a chicken who has never been out of the backyard. I can only imagine how terrifying that must have been.

Death Ray came to an intersection and crossed. Ploop! She was out in traffic. Cars stopped. I felt my face burn as I waved people on as Death Ray stood dazed in the middle of the busy street. People drove around her slowly and gingerly. She crossed over. Why does the chicken cross the road? Deep stupidity, that’s why. Two pounds of chicken, beak, and feather was now holding up traffic.

She came to rest under a low-slung compact car. Her eyelids drooped and she looked like she was about to doze off. I tried to grab her and she dashed off into the bushes on the other side of the road. Finally, I managed to grab a little leg and she screamed, feathers exploding everywhere. The fact that chickens explode feathers when they are really distressed is something I enjoy, though I try not to exploit it.

I carried her back to the backyard with her muttering and burbling all the way. My knees were muddy and that was about all the exercise I got all day. How was your Easter?