Shaking It Like A Polaroid Picture

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I have been wearing a thong for about six months now. I have discovered two things about thongs: 1) they rock, and 2) it REALLY matters what size they are.

With my ol Grannie Pannies it did not really matter what size they were. I have had the sad, extremely wide-n-low pair. The kind that only stays up because you are wearing pants over them. (Disturbing, I know.) Even worse, I have had the kind that sit well on your hips, but that bags off your butt like a full diaper. As long as the elastic was still intact, I was in business.

However, with thongs, you need to have a pair that is exactly the right size. Too big, and they slither down your ass, giving you a different, but still unpleasant, kind of Visible Panty Line (VPL). Too tight, and oh god…let’s just say it’s very unpleasant. Let’s just visualize that ceramics class you took in junior college. Let us reflect back to the first piece of cold, hard clay you purchased. What did you cut it with? A long, sturdy piece of string. Poor Miss Labia.

But now that I have gotten the perfect-sizing thing down, I can’t live without them. Now I have new problems: Visible Panty Line Paranoia (VPLP). Much like those who are addicted to crack will smoke it all and comb through their carpets, looking for that piece they are POSITIVE they dropped, I find myself looking for VPL when I really shouldn’t be. Sometimes I go home and switch to a pair of my old Grannie Pannies, and there I am, checking myself out in the mirror while wearing my pajama pants and with no plans to leave my house until the morning.

I guess what it comes down to is that I feel unsettled unless I have a tiny piece of fabric jammed in my ass crack. Yes, I know how insane that sounds. I cannot stop, and if anyone tries to intervene I will remove my thong and strangle them with it.

33 thoughts on “Shaking It Like A Polaroid Picture”

  1. This is the part where the cranks show up, because they typed “asshole” and “thong” in their search box.

  2. Well, it’s certainly less unpleasant than those that got here by searching “asshole” and “hamster”.

  4. Lets not neglect those devient souls who arrived after searching “grannie” and “labia”.

  5. She had dumps like a truck , truck , truck
    Thighs like what, what, what
    All night long
    Let me see that thong

    Incidentally, I woke to this song today, and hummed it unwillingly at the gym. Got to work and flicked on some tunes to get it out of my head. Looks like I’m back at square one.

    Thanks SJ, asshole. ;/

  10. I am currently using cotton ones from Old Navy. They are so thin and light…I love them.

    Maybe I’m the wrong person to ask though…I rarely spend more than three bucks on a pair.

  13. I like the part about the soft Old Navy style thongs. Those sound nice and comfy.

    I don’t like the part about ceramics class. That makes me squirm uncomfortably.

    Thongs: caveat emptor, people.

  14. ‘I have been wearing a thong for about six months now’-
    one hopes you dont mean the same pair of thongs for the entire 6 months, if so i would surgest that they have fused to ur quim and medical intervention might be nessesary.
    Just a thought!

  17. man, really gotta try these things.

    btw you look brilliant in the halloween pics above :)

    old navy could do a great campaign on that whole thong as murder weapon theme… hmmm

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