Watch Out, I’ll Get Some Crazy On You

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S’up, fools? I am FUCKED UP. Out of my mind. Seeing pink and purple and blue elephants that are likewise eliminating similarly-colored bricks.

I have briefly emerged from my TheraFlu-induced haze to say that many of you have sent me emails regarding my sticky Christmas wicket. Many of you hate Christmas, so much that you cannot even write out “Christmas,” but instead must write “Xmas.” Some of you like Christmas. You are sick. Thank you for all of your emails and stories.

Many of you believe the answer is alcohol. I will be back with official results when I am out of my stupor. I actually feel like I got run over by a bonafide bus. Damn you flu season!

The good part is that I’ve been having some crazy flu dreams. You were there, and you, and you. I have flown without a plane three times. I ate my own organs, they were like cake, just like in that Tom Petty video. Frannie was my mother, and then she was my dog. I drowned in a pool of Pert Plus. I have had sex with every member of Congress.

I dreamt that Monkeyhip the Hamster was travelling via hamster tube all over my bedroom and over my head and Mr. Husband told me later that Monkeyhip had escaped (again) and was crawling on my head. I dreamt that we had delicious chocolate chip cookies and when I woke up this morning there was a bowl with cookie batter in it, soaking in the sink. Some things really happen!

And now I am ready to get well and have some normal dreams. And wondering: why do I have a job that is easier for me to show up at than to call in to? Does that make sense? I mean, I have a meeting with the undergraduate tutors that I couldn’t postpone, and an office hour this morning, and I get to pick up my paycheck today. Sometimes it is easier to show up than to reschedule, you know?

I just hope I don’t take my shirt off or start crying or something. Either could happen; I could declare myself the Anti-Christ or the Hottentot of Twat.

8 thoughts on “Watch Out, I’ll Get Some Crazy On You”

  1. How the hell did I miss the Alcohol Survival Technique? It’s how I’ve survived the first 5 years of parenthood and the first 9 years of in law-hood.

    I still say go away for the holiday.

  5. Oh. My. Gawd. I am SO pissed that I got my flu shot yesterday. I want crazy lady dreams! Here, give ’em to me–we’ll trade. You can have my “I keep banging on the front door and no one will answer” humdrum dreams! Only you could paint such an entertaining picture of what it’s like to have a major seasonal illness!

    P.S. Meant to write about Ex-miss. These people are right: the alcohol, that’s the way to go. Yep.

  7. So sorry. So happy I got the flu shot. I always feel like I have the flu so what would it be like to actually get it? I’d probably beg for euthenasia. Well, I do already.

    Hope you are feeling better. As for the Christmas thing–I have no advice. I realize the time has passed but: My family is insane Christmas family. My husband is a Jew. I pray that he will continue to be tolerant…That’s pretty much all I can say. I myself want to escape but it would be some kind of evil deed never to be forgiven. So thank goodness he suffers with me. You’re doing good in other words. But are wholly justified in wanting to escape.

    Actually, I just realized that is non-advice. I should therefore conclude: I have no advice.

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