Well! Today I came home from the Rack (L.A.M.B. tote covered in pink bats with one buckle only slightly scratched, puce kidskin gloves sold separate so they fit my hands, which are inconveniently a S and a L, but that’s another letter). I set everything down and did what I always do, which is check ALL the nanny cams to see what’s been happening while I was away. You know if you hit that sweet spot you can see exactly what’s happening and not have to watch it in real time? Using the internet and tapes of old episodes of 20/20, I’ve trained myself to see child battering even in fast motion. The way they run around! And the dogs! Hilarious! It’s kind of like the Sims but with fewer fires! I was treated to something I simply did not expect, my husband was in the antechamber to the orgy room (a teddy bear with a video camera embedded in its root cellar is less obtrusive in there than you would think) and had taken down the fuckbutt I keep mounted on the wall in there, as a, you know, ice breaker for when we have “guests.” And he was fucking my mounted fuckbutt, which is professionally mounted on rock maple from DELAWARE. You know how much it costs for unusual mountings? Can you believe they charged us NOT to have glass eyes put in, since all taxodermy comes with glass eyes. I considered the glass eyes, but I thought that would be over the top. The wipeable sofa and a round of Harvy Wallbangers seals the deal, but not if there’s a fuckbutt GAZING upon your gloriousness while you are having a three way with Roy from accounting and some salad tongs. That charge was robbery. But our hands were tied, yes they were. And they did turn the fuckbutt around, including shipping, in three weeks. Now there are blue fibers embedded in it from his fur chaps, how am I supposed to get THAT out of latex. My question is, he snores, so do you think it would damage our relationship to sleep in separate bedrooms?

–Stressed in Seattle