To say the least, I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my stepfather when I was growing up. He would get in my face and say things like, “It doesn’t matter how well you hide things. I know what you’re up to and I will catch you.” When I was about fourteen I figured out this simply wasn’t true- I mean, how could any one person be everywhere all the time? And his desire to control me only led to the creation of a brilliant liar. How could anyone behave themself in a situation like this, where it’s just assumed you’re up to something all the time?

My sophomore year I had a friend whose reason for existing was to fit in with the cool clique. Kelly was a great person; she was intelligent, funny, and had a lot going for her in her own right. But she simply wouldn’t rest until she was in with the cool kids. And, as her best friend, she was determined to take me with her. I knew I was not “popular” material, but I thought it would be a fun ride.

One night, her mom and dad left us alone at her house with her fuck-up older sister who was newly dropped out of college and sitting around doing shots of vodka with her friends. I had just come up from the rec room in the basement where one of the sister’s friends and I had just finished feeling each other up. When I surfaced into the dining room, I saw that Kelly had joined her sister and was now getting a drunk on herself.

“Hey, Asshole, join us. We’re playing quarters.”

I sat down and took a couple of shots when it was my turn.

“Oh, shit!” Kelly said, looking at the clock on the wall.

“What?” I said.

“The float meeting! It starts in five minutes!” I had forgotten all about that stupid thing. I was just getting a good buzz on and Kelly wanted to ruin it by spending the rest of the night attaching little strips of tissue paper to a giant hawk that was made out of chicken wire. Since the popular kids always participated in corny activities like this, Kelly wanted to be there too so she could get her name in the yearbook next to theirs. It was a short walk to the neighbor girl’s house where it was being hosted and we talked along the way.

“What did you and Eric do in the basement?” The question exploded out Kelly as soon as we were out of earshot of her house and her sister’s friends.

“Oh, you know,” I said, too casually. “We just messed around and stuff. Kissed.”

“AND?”

“And, he took it out.”

“Took what out?”

“His penis.”

“Ack! are you serious? What was it like?”

I had to think about that. It was pretty different than anything else I’d seen. “Well, it was…sort of like a hot dog.”

“A hot dog!”

“Yeah, a peeled hot dog.” Kelly laughed pretty hard at that.

I don’t remember much of the meeting. It was tedious work and the cool kids gossiped about those of their cadre who hadn’t made it. I remember they were glad to see Kelly but mostly ignored me, except when the class president asked me if I was drunk.

Finally, Kelly felt she had fulfilled her bowing and scaping quotient for the evening and we headed back to her place. I was, sadly, sober again. The evening culminated with she and I climbing into her parents hot tub with our clothes on, much to the amusement of her sister’s friends. I was due home at nine and so walked the three minutes back to my house. My stepdad said “hello” to me when I walked in. I was still dripping a little.

“Did you have a good time?” he said, walking towards me.

“No,” I said, and hung my head, but was careful to maintain eye contact.

“What happened to you?”

“Oh, Dad. The meeting was at Erica’s house. Everyone was kind of ignoring me and then a couple of the popular guys pushed me into her pool. Everyone laughed.” My eyes brimmed with tears.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said sympathetically, without a trace of suspicion.

“I think I’m just going to take a shower and then go to bed.”

I stepped out of my squishy shoes and went up to my room. I guess he thought it was pretty likely that I was that unpopular. I had cheap thrills aplenty after that night, once I realized how to get away with it.