Aligned Nuts, and, Things I Learned from My Mother Part 1,338

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to see my family with fresh eyes, as you do. Especially if there’s some distance involved. There’s currently a lot of distance, since I’ve recently learned that my mother moved to Texas a couple of months ago. Of course, there’s been distance for years, ever since I did my final breaking off with my mother in 2005 or so. But I knew she was lurking around in town waiting to be unpleasantly discovered, like a mustard stain on your white pants.

I will confess to you I once saw her at the market when I was with Strudel and looked through her. What to say to her, anyway? Oh, hello, here’s your grandchild you don’t know, with that guy you called weird and whose hand you drunkenly slammed in a minivan door and then laughed about it. Oh yes, this is the same man you said I should look off because my “bar was way too low” after SeaFed to make any good relationship decisions. Er. And how have you been?

I guess lately I’ve been thinking about what you do about the hash that is how you were raised. I think I went through the Solemn Oaths Never to Do Certain Things Ever Ever phase in my twenties, especially with my children appearing on the scene. Some of those solemn oaths will stick. I promise never to get high with my girls in college and tell them in front of their roommates that they were almost aborted. I promise never to describe some hella monster cock that you would never even guess this married HR guy had, I mean, look at him. I promise not to spend their college money on a teal Pontiac Sunfire. These are just random examples of terrible things someone’s mother could possibly do (COUGH) that do not even scratch the surface really, and how much time do you have anyway?

Something good happened recently, though. Maybe. My mother has been appropriately, and by her own hand, medicated. I think this has allowed a tiny window of self-awareness to open up. My sister and I suspect that she may have been unbalanced since possibly her early 20s, maybe longer. I moved in with her when I was about 6 and she was 23.

How does it feel, I keep asking myself, to know that history could have been rewritten and my entire childhood could have had a different tone? It kind of feels like…nothing. Big deal, I think to myself. Everyone has some kind of childhood. Really, and I am not kidding, it makes for very amusing stories now. I want to amuse my girls with them when I’m older but I don’t want them to feel sorry for me. Franny cried once when she realized I have almost no family and then I was all, ” I have you, ya lolo.”

I had a glimpse into a loving childhood with my grandparents and this sounds very self-flagellating but I really think that early love and that stable environment that they provided–it was a liferaft for what came later. There was a part of me that knew what it was like to be loved correctly and without conditions and to feel safe and I kind of knew I was biding my time. I assumed that mothers were crazy and fathers were sadists. I saw a lot of that at my friends’ houses as well.

The really evil thing was that my theory about mothers and fathers kind of held out. My mother made certain to tear down my relationship with my grandmother by telling me stories about when she was young–about watching her stepsiblings get whacked with pots and pans, about sexual abuse, about her stepsister being possessed by the Devil and a priest coming to the house (go team Baptist). What happened between then and when they became my grandparents? Why was I being spared all this trouble?

I also wondered when my life was going to change. I became a mother eleven years ago…I held my breath for a long time. When would I start burning my children with cigarettes? My mother painted my father as all the bad things I was turning out to be in high school–gay, depressive, an atheist, into Monty Python. Cripes, when would my fatal flaw blow up and leave a big smoking crater in my life and everyone elses’?

So my sister got an email apology from my mother on her birthday, which was Sunday. Big one: 25. We ran into a yoga teacher that day I have known for many years who has been working with Morgan recently and had lovely things to say about her. “She’s very bright,” she said. I know that. I used to change her diapers. I’ve seen a lot.

The email was a long one about my mother’s life now in Texas. She’s with family and is seeing something like parallel lives down there–her stepbrother’s children describe him as abusive, and some of them are estranged from him. Perhaps that was food for thought now that her head is clearer. I wasn’t sure my mother would ever have a moment of clarity, since I didn’t know she could or would be “fixed.” No one is ever completely fixed–you are still yourself and your experiences shape you. I don’t begrudge my sister that apology, nor do I feel really happy about it. I think my mother has tried to apologize to me over the years, but she didn’t really understand or remember what for. These things don’t stick.

My mother, when we spent time together, used to call me a “closet Catholic” and was always telling me I took things too seriously. I remember her dismissing my college application letter as “pretentious” (to be fair, it was). Later I realized that it was me having a conscience and trying to find a sense of purpose. You can learn a lot from sociopaths and sociopathic tendencies and how people like this navigate through the world. You can learn how to charm people without turning it on them when they are weak. You can learn what motivates people without using their desires against them, or to rip what you want out of them. You can see people as vulnerable and flawed and love them anyway, instead of feeling superior. And you can get tested regularly for her very treatable condition, like she could have been years ago (I’m negative).

Namaste, bitches.

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10 Responses to “Aligned Nuts, and, Things I Learned from My Mother Part 1,338”

  1. Mir says:

    You can get tested for being a selfish ass? I HAD NO IDEA. (Sorry, little projection of my own family situation going on there. HAHAHA. Actually now that my kid is in psych lockup I understand my own mom a lot better, too. It’s an understanding I could’ve happily gone without, but… oh well.)

  2. Brigid Keely says:

    My dad didn’t get diagnosed and medicated until after I was out of college and, when he stays ON his medication, he is a very different person and one I don’t cringe from being around. I really REALLY wish he’d been medicated much, much sooner and I wish he would stay ON the fucking medication instead of unpredictably going off it and heading right back into asshole crazytown. Wow, would my life have been different. Obvs I don’t know everything you’re going through, but I’ve seen a similar map and it sucks.

  3. Bugger says:

    You post these things and when I’m reading it, I have a lot to say in response. When I finally look at this blank space to share with you, it all seems very useless and possibly stupid. SO I will instead say what you already know – you’re a kick ass person/mom/blobber. Hi Five on not projecting your childhood crazies onto the girls. They are lining up to be awesome too.

  4. SJ says:

    Hey Bugger. Thanks. I’d like to think my girls have a better…different..I dunno, chance than I did to be pretty functional. No guarantees and keep your arms inside the ride at all times, eh.

    Brigid: Yeah, it does sound similar. I’ve had other situations with people like this where there is a before and after and you almost have to pretend like the before was a different person to move on. (imo)

  5. dorrie says:

    It would be so great if any of us could grow into adulthood unscathed by mother issues. There’s just levels of fire and ice, I guess. Thanks for writing about this. It’s important.

  6. hipspinster says:

    hello, delurking to say that this:

    “You can learn a lot from sociopaths and sociopathic tendencies and how people like this navigate through the world. You can learn how to charm people without turning it on them when they are weak. You can learn what motivates people without using their desires against them, or to rip what you want out of them. You can see people as vulnerable and flawed and love them anyway, instead of feeling superior.”

    is very well said, and i completely relate. thank you.

    natalie

  7. SJ says:

    Hey Natalie, thanks, and welcome. Which is not to say you ever need to delurk again. Just hello!

    And hi Dorrie. I’m driving by you next month on the way to Wyoming. ZOOOM.

  8. dorrie says:

    I will throw booze out my window. Safe travels! Can’t wait to hear about your adventures.

  9. Shezbot says:

    My friends and husband know that the only time I can talk about my childhood is when I’m really drunk. Because my parents were into humiliating punishments and mental…abuse (?). The kind of shit that I bring up to friends and they are horrified by. And I’m embarrassed by it, even though a lot of it happened when I was too young to realize that it would embarrass me later in life so I have/had no control over it? I’m not explaining myself well. Suffice to say, my parents are crazy. I’m close to them but I try not to see them very often because it is so mentally draining and it reminds me of a lot of shit I don’t want to be reminded of. Family is whack, yo. That’s why I’ve created my own.

  10. AntMac says:

    I was reading with my usual admiring sympathy ( You always seem so calm and thoughtfully “That was then,this is now” that I don’t even feel complelled to think of advice I could offer, you seem four square in top of it no matter how horrible stuff is you are relating . . . ) then I read that your mum didn’t like Monty Python.

    =[

    “The infamy!”.

    I can’t remember why I started reading, but I know I keep reading because your posts ( the you in your posts, I guess ) are so encouraging to me. You cheer me up SJ, and remind me to be tuff. I am glad your mum is getting help, we all need some help I guess.