One of Franny’s friends came home with us from school today. I am always astounded when people want to trust me with their children. I always want to say, “Do you KNOW who I AM?” Not in that entitled celebrity way either. I always want to say, “I am a person who once shaved three-fourths of my head, with the idea it would look cute. Two years later, I put half a box of jawbreakers in my own babychute and then thought I wet the bed when they melted. Does your child have any food allergies?” But after a few her school Moms’ coffee mornings I seem to be impersonating a responsible person pretty well. Mwua-ha-ha.

So my sister Morgan was over as well, who is a card-and-a-half, as well as a certified wiseacre. She took it upon herself to begin gently ribbing Franny’s friend, who was taking it in stride. Still, I was just so amazed that the most discriminating her school mom would let me make off with one of her brood that I had to put a stop to it when the girls retreated to Franny’s room to put on 40 pounds of taffeta, tulle, and fake bling from the dress-up drawer.

“Hey, take it easy on our little guest, whydontcha?” I said to Morgan.

“It’s alright,” Morgan said.

“Just because you had no friends as a child doesn’t mean you can go after Franny’s.”

“What!”

“I’m sure Morgan had friends,” interjected my companion meddlesomely.

“No, she didn’t. Haw!” I said.

“You don’t know if I had friends or not!” Morgan said to my companion.

“She didn’t. Haw!” I said.

“And now you’re laughing about it!” Morgan said to me.

“I’m sorry,” I said lamely. “I’m just kind of laughy today. I can’t help it.” Truly, everything, appropriate or not, has been funny today.

“I watch your baby for you today, and now you mock my childhood pain and loneliness,” Morgan finished. She is going to make a great mother someday.

Everyone was on speaking terms at the end of the afternoon, but I learned that this is something that Morgan can make fun of herself with, but that I should probably leave her alone about. Kind of like my goiter. Or my ass horns.