I left my hard-on in San Francisco

GEESH three posts this month. That is almost a new low. Well, no one said we at the offices of I, Asshole were some kind of cutting-edge hotbed of activity on the internezzzzz. But, things have been happening IRL. ONLY GOOD THINGS.

Actually something cool happened at work today, even. I had a breakthrough with some code I was doofusing through and I was actually high for about 15 minutes or so. This is something I’ve been worried about for a couple of weeks now. I could fucking see time. I love that feeling. Usually I have bad realizations, like why your butt actually hurt last Sunday morning (tequila) or how you actually look in those pants (like a cud-chewing badger).

SO. I was in San Francisco last weekend. Here are the highlights (if I was wearing my badger pants they would be THIGHLIGHTS WHAT UP).

1. I sweated. It is still summer there. *FNIFFFF*

2. I went to the Tenderloin and my friend got pickpocketed! (Lowlight.) This was a mural in a bar we were at before we realized my friend’s wallet was missing. Every mural in this bar looked like the people were having some kind of mind-bending experience, were demons, or were hell demons on acid. It was kind of cool, if you’re into that sort of thing I guess.

3. I went to tea at Lovejoy’s which was fucking amazebaws. I have not had Branston Pickle in a dog’s age. I actually got too full to finish.

4. I had a lot of coffee. A LOT. MORE THAN USUAL EVEN. Ritual (below) was better than this place, with its creepy unfinished murals.

Plus it decided to be Blowjob Week when I was there, so I was peeing about every ten seconds. When I went to Long Beach last month I forgot my usual “form” of “feminine” “protection”*, which is a rubber cup. I don’t care to soapbox about the cup at the moment, because Satan knows there’s enough literature out there already. But I’ve been using one for about 15 years now and I usually travel with it. I actually had to buy tampons, which are STILL AS HORRIBLE AS I REMEMBERED so I gave up and used pads. Which, also ugh. Way back in the day I used to augment my business with actual strips of cotton (har har I was on the rag) but ain’t no one got time for that shit now. I just sit down and squeeze all the blood out in about a half hour using secret tantric techniques. Tantra: Not Just for Sting Anymore.

Where was I again?

5. I always have a Major Revelation in California, and I have for years. In 2008 I thought I was a total asshole there and got into therapy (not cured of being an asshole but it was different before, trust me). When I was there in March I thought I wanted to write a book, so I did. Now it is sitting on my shelf in MS form. :'( I’ve discovered I am super good at writing at 5 a.m. but not super good at editing. Like, at all. In fact, that time sucks echidna scrote for editing for me.

Revelation: Doing Book Words Make SJ Happy, Make More Book Words. I’m moving on to book two. And maybe after that, three. And then I need to figure my shit out for editing (foreshadowing). My friend is passing a short story to an editor, though, so maybe if I suck I will just stop.

6. Every thing is super good right now, in general. All I am doing is eating and fucking and working sometimes. When I was young I thought I was a deep and tortured soul, but now I think I was just poor and disenfranchised. I may be again someday, though, so if this part is boring you, stay tuned. I’m sure something terrible will happen soon.



9 thoughts on “I left my hard-on in San Francisco

  1. High tea at the empress in Victoria is the goods. Even a fuzzy unpolished redneck like me can appreciate it.. I recommend it to those who like Teaifying.

  2. hovy: It was 4,000 dolla! That store had decent-to-great taxidermy but with kapow SF prices.

    JB: I hear good things about the place on Queen Anne. I might take the girls and other interested parties.

  3. You should take *me* you horrible turkey skunk. I’m the one who likes tea. I like tea more than you do. Especially those little sandwiches without the edges. Narm.

  4. Mom and I went to the Empress in Victoria for tea and went all in Royal Tea style! A chef brought honey from the combs to our table. There were extras: cheeses and port. Also gifties to take home. And then the bill came and I was like, maybe I’ll do this again in a few years or decades.

    Love the SF pics–when I went last fall I didn’t see a unicron.

  5. Ahhh SF! I went to SFSU. I am so glad you took a picture of That’s It Liquors because I used to find that name so funny that I wrote it down in a notebook in 1999.

    I am so glad things are going well for you. It’s about time. You are the best.

  6. Tea tea tea. zzzzz what I REALLY need is to master your tantric 1/2 menstral cycle trick. That’s what I really need.

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