Passive sentence construction with overuse of certain words, see me after class

I think being ill makes me think of being young and vulnerable and poorly cared for, hence my maudlin trip down memory lane a couple of days ago. Plus the similar physical feelings. I’m in decent spirits though.

This is where I go to remember. If you talk to me in real life, I hope I seem like I’m planted in 2014 most of the time. I don’t know who I’m writing this to, ultimately. I’m glad I’ve been keeping am online journal since 2001. My secret is that when I write with a pen it’s a slog and demoralizing. Typing is my medium and it always has been. I did okay when I was a child, and in college as a note taker, but now when I put letters to paper the letters jump into the correct words, but often out of order. I am a decent speller but I cannot make my brain tell my hand to do it in the correct order. I have to concentrate to write a check or a grocery list. Typing flows like water.

I’m grateful that I’m read and heard at all. Part of me is writing to my future self, because sometimes I go back and cringe and make sense of things, sort of. Maybe I am hoping my children will read this someday and try to make sense of it some point. I have had to reflect back into the past on my own and try to impose some sense of compassion onto my family, which was obviously a mess. Maybe I am trying to leave a map for my girls so they can see that the stew is attempting to be equal parts “mom is flawed” with “but she was trying.”

Today I feel–the same. It’s distressing to have too much pain in my legs to stand in one place. It’s hard to go to the fridge and get a glass of juice. The first round of results came back and I have a marker in my blood that is saying that I have inflammation, which. Yeah. I’m on orders at this point to rest for 5-7 days and if there’s no change then it’s advanced testing. The hope from my doctor is that I have Worst Flu Ever, or “Flu Part Two” as I’ve been thinking of it, since your typical flu symptoms cleared up in about a week. He’s hoping this will subside it and it will kind of be Mystery Viral Myositis What I Kicked Eventually. I am running out of Prednisone in two days which makes me nervous because it is uninflaming (it’s a word now) my body and I can sleep.

This has been so consistent and ongoing since the onset that I don’t really have a gut feeling which way it’s going to go at this point. Being off Prednisone on Saturday will be the moment of truth I suppose. Will it be less pain, or the same as Tuesday, when I went to the doctor. I think I’m being tested for Lyme disease, but if not, I will make sure I get tested. I keep thinking about these two bug bites I got on my ankle on the first night in Hawaii that were irritated for days, and stung horribly in the ocean. Everything could be a coincidence, or it could actually mean something.

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7 Responses to “Passive sentence construction with overuse of certain words, see me after class”

  1. Brigid Keely says:

    Dang, I hope you feel better soon.

  2. Amanda says:

    You are read and heard. This sounds arrgh. Hope whatever it is, it is about to go away.

  3. dede says:

    Good luck and I hope you are soon on the mend. I love your writing.

  4. iasshole says:

    Thanks!

  5. Jay says:

    It’s good to have more of your writing to read…but Blerrggh…what a reason. Hope coming of the prednisone is OK, and if not, that you can get more easily.

  6. dorrie says:

    This is really strange, I have never heard of your symptoms before in my (not very) vast knowledge of Things. Please keep us posted, since, well, what else do you have to do lying around eating Dick’s specials and bon bons?
    Today I witnessed a tweaking hard guy put allll of his aluminum cans in a ripped plastic bag, pick it up, have the cans spill all over, and then repeat this process about 5 times before he just gave up and wandered away. So you are doing better than that one guy.

  7. iasshole says:

    I am a lot of things right now, but I am not tweaking! Argh. I will post. Ironically I feel crap but unlike my normal life of work work work girls girls girls I actually have mental energy to make words. Ha.