There are a few things we need to discuss now, so that our working relationship is a smooth and mutually beneficial one. Please go over these policies and report to your supervisor any questions that may occur!

Provisions

A. Destruction of Workplace Property

A1. Do not rip up library books. Library books are the only thing standing between your supervisor(s) and insanity. Fines will double if the book is (any title) by Terry Pratchett or an unread US Weekly. (Already-read US Weeklys are fair game, and it should be noted that your supervisor(s) find it amusing to see headless images of Jessica Simpson all over your workspace.

A2. Do not pull bits out of the rag rug in the office kitchen and eat them. Our research department has determined that this behavior is "gross" and makes it difficult for you to poop. We would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are unhappy when it is difficult for you to poop! Thank you.

A3. Do not dip your finger into the track of the sliding glass door and taste what you find there; likewise, do not eat at the company cat's cafeteria area. Your supervisor's productivity deceases when she is nauseated, and this affects the entire company. Please remember there should be no "ew" in "team."

B. General Interference with the Duties of Others

B1. Hold still when you are having a bath. Your supervisor(s) have difficulty cleaning you properly when you kick three-fourths of the water out of the tub and consume your bathwater (please see Provision A.3 for more detail re: consuming bathwater).

B2. Likewise, stop arching your back like you are a dog that has gotten into some strychnine whenever your supervisor(s) attempt to put your coat on. Only senior-level officers may decide whether or not to don appropriate outerwear for fieldwork.

B3. It should be noted that pantsing your supervisor(s) while whining copiously will not cause them to prepare your snacks any faster. In fact, the opposite effect may occur.

B4. When it is a designated employee naptime, we ask that you go to sleep as quickly and quietly as possible. Standing up and screaming repeatedly may result in a transfer to a less desirable position, such as "being abandoned at the post office or in front of the reptile house at the zoo."

C. Sexual Harassment

C1. While nursing, your supervisor's nipple should be inserted completely in your mouth at all times. Do not take this time as an opportunity to look around, play "catch-and-release," or make "mouth music." It should be noted that just because nipples can stretch to an alarming three to four inches long, it does not mean this is acceptable or desirable behavior. No horseplay will be tolerated while employees are in this work area!

C2. Similarly, nursing is not an opportunity to practice motor skills such as dialing or twisting. We think you know what we mean.

C3. Finally, it is also unacceptable to rip out your supervisor's pubic hair with your monkey toes during the morning nursing sessions. Your supervisor feels that since she is making food for you with HER OWN BODY that she shouldn't have to always remember to put on underwear.

We are looking forward to having a pleasant working experience with you in the future!

Thank you,