Hat-Sized Vagina Says: NOT ACTUALLY A GIRL

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I am having one of those weeks, people. I think maybe I am wearing an invisible shirt that says I ARE TWELVE or something.

Yesterday during kickboxing we had a guest instructor. I love love LOVE our normal teacher. She’s even fun to just stare at, because when she gets down on the floor with us you can see every single muscle on her leg in perfect sharp definition. If Michelangelo saw her, he would probably fall down weeping and realize that he didn’t have to sculpt and paint mans with boobs, because the ladies can bring the muscles too.

dewdavecbewbs.jpg

Figure 1: Mans with Bewbs. Tsk.

ANYWAY, this guest instructor immediately endeared himself to us by addressing us as “girls.” Nevermind the fact that there were no actual girls in evidence and our class also includes a middle-aged man. I’ve seen Our Man doing push ups. No one should call him “girl” either. Our instructor jumped in and corrected him with a quick “WOMEN.”

He apologized, and class went on fairly non-heinously (except for the fact that he seemed overly fond of playing John Cougar Mellencamp (or is it still just John Cougar? Cougarcamp? Mellenport?) repeatedly and louder than was really necessary).

An aside: doing bagwork while listening to John Puma Mellentaco’s “Hurts So Good” made me feel like I was in a bad movie about a scrappy lady boxer from a small town who will train furiously in between her shifts at the DQ, battling her crappy car that lets her down at plot-devicey moments, and arguing with her baby daddy. Eventually she will rise to the top and will win regionals, which will earn her enough money to [SPOILER ALERT!!!] become separated from her conjoined twin. SURPISE PLOT TWIST! And you wondered why she was never fully on screen, didn’t you???

Supa and I saw him again this morning, and he said “Good morning, Girls. Oops, I mean, Ladies.”

He apologetically said something about it being a bad habit.

“I’ve had two kids, so I think anyone can call me a girl anymore,” I said, in an unhostile way, and laughed. He did a double-take on me after that…maybe it was the pink pigtails today.

I did get a little hostile about it at BlogHer this summer. I was walking across a parking lot with Squid when we ran into a family festooned in NASCAR gear who were presumably in San Jose for some racing thing I vaguely heard about while I was there. The father, in front of his son (who looked about ten) began asking us what the conference was for. Squid offered that it was a conference for women who write on the Internet.

“Well,” he said. “I thought there were a lot of girls here.”

“There’s a lot of women here, too,” I snapped.

“And men,” Squid added, matter-of-factly.

The man’s wife pulled a slightly pained face. I can’t say exactly what this woman was thinking, but I have seen that face before: it is that apologetic face that I have seen women make before they defend a sexist comment.

Today after class Supa and I popped into the coffee shop across the street and were immediately greeted by a barista who was our age. “Hi, Girls!” she called to us. I had to resist the urge to look behind myself like a smartass.

Semantics are important to me. And I’m not saying you have to spawn to be a woman either. In fact, there are many bespawned girls in this world (looking at you, Britney). Marriage at eighteen certainly did not make me feel like a woman, and motherhood didn’t give me the insta-badge either. For me, I think it was around the time that I was finishing my bachelor’s degree, wrangling a toddler, and not melting down into a puddle every time my extremely-disappointing husband shit the bed on something. Again. Basically it was when my life took on a rhythm of its own and I was really discovering that I had strong opinions of my own and a certain degree of capability.

And what’s funny is that I’ve had a couple of friends in my life who have used “girl” with me familiarly and endearingly, and it doesn’t bother me (“How you doin’, girl?”). It’s all context.

It reminded me of this article by Sarah Bunting: Yes, You Are. I went back and reread it today, because sometimes I get in knots about the semantics thing. I say, “Oh, they don’t really mean it like that,” or, “What’s the big deal, anyway?”

It is a deal, though. I am not a girl. I am not cute, little, innocent, or pre-pubescent. Call me what I really am. I’ve earned it.

37 thoughts on “Hat-Sized Vagina Says: NOT ACTUALLY A GIRL”

  2. Holy shit. That right there is the exact thing I’ve been trying to put into words, to say to various “I believe in women’s rights, but I’m nottafeminist” backwards relatives and friends of mine.
    Awesome.
    And also, mans with bewbs. tsk = hysterical.

  4. Hmm. How do you feel about the term “gal,” as the equivalent of “guy,” which I’ve never thought of as especially age-specific (or necessarily even gender-specific, depending on the circumstance). I’ve been chastised both for referring to mature females as “girls” and for calling them “women.” I wish there were a term to refer to a group of women that wasn’t freighted with I-wanna-freak-you or I-wanna-coddle-you overtones.

  5. One major benefit to my hillbilly upbringing, when addressing students, or a group of anybody; I just bust out a “ya’ll.” Though I think my english degree fades a little each time I do it.. Sort like the picture of Marty’s siblings in “Back to the Future.”
    Thanks for the link.. must distribute.

  6. Personally, I like gal, because it has that throwback Madge-and-the-bowling league feel to it, and I also think it pairs fine with “guys.”

    I am surprised about people getting offended by women. It seems like the most specific, respectful term to me. It’s like…calling a zebra a zebra, to pull an analogy out of my butt.

  7. Melanie sent me and now I think I owe her a christmas card because you totally crack me up and while I personally don’t care about the girl/woman thing I love the article and I love the perspective and I love the humor.

    And I’m slightly drunk but even if I was sober I would still love this.

    God job, woman.

  8. You know, i’d rather be addressed as ‘Hey bitch’ or ‘Hey asshole’ any day of the week, rather than ‘Hey girl’. Ugh. However, I do allow my BIL to call me girl, because he’s a redneck and very sweet and just cannot stop himself. It seems useless to argue with him about it, and I love him so i choose not to care. However, anyone else… and it pisses me off plus squicks me out, and Lydia is not a happy camper. I am NOT a girl… to prove it i will happily whip off my top and show them my immense zebra stripe looking stretch marks, courtesy of my massive baby that I birthed out of my very grown up vagina. Plus, I’ve been raising my daughter by myself all year, so i think that officially puts me directly out of the girl category.

  9. The only safe option is to address everyone as “gender-differentiated carbon-based lifeform”.

    Myself, I apply the Golden Rule: Would I substitute the equivalent expression for a male in the same context? If the answer is yes, then I’m not going to change my semantics to suit someone else *unless* they’ve volunteered that preference in advance. It’s not my job to play mind-reader, nor to overcompensate for the rest of the patriarchy. And yes, I do believe that qualifies as a feminist stance.

  10. Okay, Lydia, you made me laugh. Do you have an URL there?

    And jope, I think that’s a point well-made.

  11. Very true. I hate to be called girl.

    I feel like a woman too, not because of having a kid, but for the same reasons you mentioned. I trust myself. I am strong.

    Lisa

  13. I would like to make one small addition, since it seems to have been completely missed by everyone here, aside from a passing reference by SJ from a slightly different angle: Semantics change as the context changes. I dunno about other people, but it is not all unheard of for me to refer to the same individual as at different points in time as a woman, a girl, a lady, or a wench, depending on the context and what I think is most appropriate. And I don’t see anything wrong with this, because each of y’all are all of those things. This whole notion of arbitrarily falling under a single label — I just really have a hard time believing that anyone here actually buys into that.

    Oh, okay. Some women aren’t wenches. Fine. Whatever. (But all of YOU are! Yeah, I’ve read the stall walls.)

    Next question: “Man… Or Astro-Man?” Discuss amongst yourselves.

  15. I’m with the G. man on this. There should be a term in the middle of “girl” and “woman.” I vote for “goman.”

    I remember the first time someone referred to me as a “man.” I was standing in line to register for my first semester at community college (ha) and a WOMAN told her kid to watch our for that “man” (meaning me) as he careened around the room. I was taken aback as I was but a mere 18 years of age. Too old to be a boy, not yet a man. I think there’s a song in there somewhere.

  16. Yeah-but…Didn’t it get you rev’d-up?
    If you wern’t already PO’d ’bout sumpin’ already?
    “Who does he think He is?” (Whack)
    “Where did HE (Smack) Come from ?

    I used to try to get gas at a FULL SERVICE gas station (55 cents per gallon). Owner would come out and ask, “What can I git fer you, BOY?”
    “Nothing TO-DAY, thanks” (Zoom)

  17. Snaps to Sars. I have read that link in the past and think it is great. Why are we labled as being difficult or sensitive or touchy or bitchy when we ask for the merest form of respect? I, for one, LOATHE being called “ma’am” (totally look behind me on that one) but it is a correct form of address for this 39 y.o. woman. “Lady” is definately debatable (heee) but “girl”?? WhatEVER.

  18. I am 26 (but I think I usually look younger), and I definitely still think of myself as a girl. And I HATE being “ma’am”ed. But I pretty much just use the terms “girl” and “boy,” not “woman” and “man.” Even for my mom and dad, and they’re almost 60.

    What’s weird is that we use the words “girlfriend” and “boyfriend,” no matter how old we are. Unless we’re using gender neutral terms like “significant other.” “Girlfriend” and “boyfriend” imply adult relationships (or at least proto-adult), so why the juvenile terminology?

  19. You go…um…woman! lol, I feel the same way. I remember there was a commercial on TV a few years ago in which women were sitting around trading sweaters to give to their hubbies for Christmas, and I always cringed when one of the women said “Now pass the sweater to the girl on your right.” That just had to be written by a man.

  22. All true, and yet I do love getting phone messages from my BFF that start, “Haaaaaaaaaaay guuuuuurrrrrrrl…”

    I think people who have held your head while you knelt on the cool, cool porcelain tiles get some sort of dispensation to call you whatever they want.

  23. I could not agree more. I gett most enraged when women in porn are referred to as “girls.” Hello, unless you want to be busted for child porn, you do NOT have girls in your movie. (OR strip club.)

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