So, one of the very helpful suggestions I submitted to Parenthacks, an extremely cool site for the be-spawned that I have to give insane props to (as the kids used to say), was posted today. Thanks, Asha! You can read it here.
And I was so pleased to see that someone left a comment that really kick-started my creativity as a parent! In fact, the comment inspired me SO MUCH, I have decided to write a book so that I can share my awesome parenting suggestions with the whole WORLD!
Here’s the comment:
This is a HORRIBLE idea. What’s next? Taking medicine through pretend cigarettes? Novelty glasses are fine, but putting the focus on distinct glasses designed for adult beverages is a bad move.
–Tim
A bad move? A BAD MOVE? You know what’s a bad move? Having that giant stick shoved so far up your ass. It must really impede walking.
TIM, YOU GENIUS. I should probably share the profits of my book with you, but I can’t, because sadly you neglected to leave a URL where I can make fun of you to your face figure out where to send a check!
YOU, the loyal and beleaguered readers of I, Asshole deserve a preview, a little taste of what’s inside the forthcoming How To Deal with Crazy Fucking Babies, Dude, to be published by Loompanics Unlimited (renowned publisher of such titles as You Are Going to Prison, Under the Table and Into Your Pocket, and Combat Knife Throwing).
Chapter titles will include, but will not be limited to:
1. Babies Really Only Need to Be Changed Twice a Day: The Thrifty Parent
2. Colic Is a Myth But Opiates Are REAL: Coping With Crying
3. Vaccinations or an Xbox?: Paying for Crap That Probably Won’t Even Go Wrong
4: Wind the Razor Wire Clockwise, Dummy: Dealing with Sleep Issues
5: A Stapler and Some Safeway Bags: Dressing Your Children the Smart Way
PREORDER YOUR COPY TODAY AND RECEIVE A CASE OF LEADED CIGARETTE-SHAPED MEDICINE DISPENSERS! Rescued from an historic factory that was condemned for asbestos issues, these antique curiosities are going fast!!!!
Don’t worry, honeybun, your new molars will feel better real soon.
Next I will work on my follow-up future smash bestseller, How to Unbunch Your Panties and Get Some Perspective on Things!!!! Don’t wait! ORDER TODAY!
Okay, let me be crystal fucking clear that that little smoking girl is NOT MINE. I don’t know her. I just grabbed the pic off google images.
I was going to say, that little girl doesn’t look like Frannie! And then I saw your comment.
Sigh. Douchebags. My parents have a huge supply of double-size shot glasses that they got from some bar when it was closing, and that was always what we used for water for pills or medicine or whatever.
You funny.
I would buy that book. Even if I never spawn, I would buy that book.
One of my mom’s friends is throwing me a baby shower in December (hey, he’ll only be 8.5 months old!) and wanted to have gift ideas.
I’m requesting your book.
Also, what is with that first kid? Does he have some horrid skin disease or is he just really upset? Poor little guy.
I got your back at PH. You are the best asshole I know. And I know ALOT of assholes. :)
Thanks Karen, I appreciate that. Noonething got my back too. I just…couldn’t let this one go. That will be my epitaph.
Carmie: I think the baby’s had some bad photochopping or file compression or something….
Don’t listen to the haters, SJ. Tim is a turd.
Can I pre-order this on Amazon yet? Just let me know where to send the check.
SJ – the non-breeders of the world (like me) would each buy all y’all parents copies of that book. Fa’Rizzy.
I’d donate copies to school auctions anonymously.
#3. made me laugh so hard I almost coughed up a phlegmy lung!
I’ve been shopping around my idea for chewable, fruit-flavored valium to some pharmaceutical companies, but so far no one has been willing license my idea.
Can I find it on Amazon yet? I’d totally buy it too! That shit’s funny. Tim tim tim…he’s got his panties in a twist for sure!
Finally! And to think I believed the most useful book in my collection was forever going to be “Down the Stairs, Out of Mind: How to Keep Away Paternity Suits with a Gentle Push”.
Email me when the preorder begins.
That book cover just totally made my day. Thanks, SJ!
I like how Tim threw in that little comment about how his kids are always fully hydrated. Nice of him to pop in, though.
I’m sending your link to all da mommas I know. Right now.
Some other chapters you may want to include:
“The calming caress of alcohol: A guide to baby’s first 12 steps”
and
“If it can crawl it can provide for itself: Teaching your spawn to forage for themselves”
I’m thinking Parenting magazine book of the month, for sure :)
Man, SJ, you have gotta check this out:
http://objectiveministries.org/kidz/
You should do a post on it. There’s just so many levels of wrong. Make sure you click on the lamb head. This is christian marketing at its best.
Wow, the objective ministries are not my definition of objective. And the lamb head scared the crap out of me.
“Go to church or the EVIL LAMB HEAD WILL EAT YOU!!! Isn’t that COOL!?!?!”
Gah! That shit is borderline horrifying.
My first thought is how easy it would be to parody that site with a satanic goat skull instead of the lamb…
I’m going to go peruse their anti-occult section for a good chuckle now…
Trot your idea around for some grant money.
Theodor Seuss Geisel and Benjamin Spock are still
dead. Somebody has to fill the void.
Act quickly while ol’ Gee Dub is still running things, and stupid money is available.
did anyone else look at the objective ministries “science” quiz? watch out for the dinosaurs!