Fun with Hester Prynne, my new computer, never ends. The other day I tried to install my printer, and Hester waggled her digital finger at me. “Verily I have no understanding of the softwareths.” And this is the free printer that they sent me WITH Hester. I’m glad I named her Hester Prynne. At first it was a dumb play on the fact that it’s an HP, but now I’m thinking she needs to be banished to a small cottage in the wilderness with a big “U” for Unctuous.

I can hear HP going, “What? We didn’t say your free printer would work with the computer we sent. Roffle!”

I was in mah cups the other night, and when that’s the case I enjoy the online support. It’s fun to see what’s happening on the other side of the world. Many Americans could use to learn and grow, AM I RITE.

But it never ever connected, so I gave up. Well, HP sent me an email the next day, BEGGING me to click the link to be whisked off to instant online help. “Please give us another chance, Customer #68754S3-Twelvdy! We’re sorry!”

Well, okay. Watch how my question doesn’t get answered until I say “goodbye.”

Simmons: Hello Last Name.
This is understandable; if their customer service is indeed in India, my first name looks like a place name.
Simmons: Welcome to HP Total Care for All-in-One products. My name is Simmons.
SJ: Hello
Simmons: Due to the high volume of chat support requests, you had to wait for a long time to get assistance. We appreciate your patience and regret the inconvenience caused. How may I assist you today?
SJ: Hi. Can you help me install my printer?
SJ: It doesn’t seem to want to talk to Vista.
Simmons: I would be glad to help you.
SJ: Is there an upgrade or something?
Simmons: How is the printer connected to the computer? (Through USB or Network)
SJ: Actually, I didn’t even get that far. My computer won’t deal with the disc. It would be USB though. It said to wait til it was installed.
Simmons: Okay
Simmons: What was the message you received?
SJ: I don’t remember, I was kind of drunk.
Simmons: Is the printer connected to the computer now?
SJ: No, I don’t have a USB cable.
They have to love people like me. Why would I have a USB cable? That’s crazy talk.
SJ: I want to install the disc.
Simmons: Just the connect the usb cable from printer to the computer it detects the All-in-One printer and you should be able to print.
SJ: The install disc is optional?
Very tricky, HP.
Simmons: Just the connect the usb cable from printer to the computer it detects the All-in-One printer and you should be able to print.
Simmons: The CD that came with the unit is compatible with Windows XP,2000,98 and ME.
SJ: Aha. Am I going to lose any functionality? Because I want to scan too.
Simmons: Let me know the Windows Vista Version you are using?
Here’s where I get pretty useless.
SJ: Lemmie check
SJ: I can’t remember if it’s home or pro. It’s the one where you can’t install XP over it.
SJ: It’s home.
SJ: Premium.
SJ: And it blows.
Simmons: I will give you the steps for scanning.
SJ: I put on my wizard hat.
Simmons: Scanning with Paint
1. Click Windows.

2. Click All Programs.

3. Click Accessories.

4. Click Paint.

5. Click File and then click From Scanner or Camera.

6. Click Scan.
SJ: Sweet. Okay. I’ll give it a whirl.
SJ: Thank you.
Simmons: Pleasure is mine.
Simmons: You will receive notification once the full version software is released.

AHA! Full version software, eh? I’m on to you, Hester Prynne.

In Other News

I waited a full week for this one. Last week, when I got the job offer, I emailed Seattle Federline and the missus and told them that Franny would have a free tuition ride through the sixth grade, and I told them it was via work. I sent it to them both and waited…and…. *crickets*

I don’t expect a card that says “We are proud of our lil slugger!” But I thought I might get a reply acknowledging it. “Okay, she has free tuition. We understand.”

I told Companion about what happened, and he said, “Well, it’s not like they were going to pay for anything, anyway.” ROFFLES AGAIN!

This actually has a deeper backstory. Franny just had her student conferences, which have to be signed up for at a mutually agreeable time for both parents. So I called SeaFed and tried to set it up with him, and he emailed and said, “I will look at the schedule,” while at the same time he was trying to arrange a separate conference, meaning Franny would have to present twice.

So there it stood. I knew I could ambush them at the recent potluck, which was right before an auction meeting. I walked in and Franny yelled, “HI MAMA!” and ran over to me. Her stepmother had her back turned, but I saw her shoulders cringe. I went over and started talking to her right away.

“HI! How’s it going? Look at your baby! She’s so big now! How are you? SEAFED!” Since I never talk to or even acknowledge him, he looked like he was going to poop himself. Seriously, he looked like a mouse in a jar. I was fully up to eleven by this point.

“SEAFED! I heard you got a job! That’s GREAT! What are you doing?”

“Well, insurance, go figure.” His shifty eyes shifted around frantically…MUST…ESCAPE…EVIL…EX-WIFE….

“What do you mean?” I said, innocently, as if he were just some chump I had just run into at a school function. As if I hadn’t spent years begging him to take any stable office job, even one offered by his dad.

“Um, you know, because my dad’s in insurance.”

“Did he get you the job?” I asked, feigning puzzlement.

“Nooo.”

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, talking to clients and lawyers and settling claims and stuff.”

“WOW!” I said. “That sounds so perfect for you! You are such a DIPLOMAT!”

“Um. Thanks.” At this point he would not have been more surprised if there were lobsters crawling out of my ears.

Then, before they left, Franny’s teacher pulled out the sign-up sheet and I sneakily sidled from nowhere. “I am SO EXCITED about this conference! Franny CAN’T WAIT to present to both of us! Isn’t it GREAT!???! What time works for you? I’m open!”

“Uhh, five-thirty on Tuesday, I guess.”

“Okay! I’ll see you there!”

It was a blast. The look on his face. Now I know how Carrottop feels as he progresses through life. I get it now, Mr. Top! That look of utter confusion and disgust…it’s addictive!