1. You, the undersigned, are condemned to see every movie that Zach Braff will ever make, up to and including his cameo as Sprongler’s Dad in the 2020 remake of American Pie.
2. Every time you see an attractive man or woman, be they at a party or on the bus, you will be compelled to pull out your cell phone and frantically sniff it all over, as if it was the most delicious thing you have ever smelled, such as a succulent pastry, a baby’s head, or a fat stack of Abraham Lincolns. We’ll leave that one up to personal preference and heredity. If you do not own a cell phone, or are not carrying it on your person, a giant sparkle dildo will appear in your purse or hand immediately. (Hint: carry bail money.)
3. The cutest pants EVAH will totally never be in your size, anywhere. Except for palazzo pants. I condemn you to palazzo pants!
4. You are condemned to non-cancerous facial moles that spell things out like “Spork Lover” and “Put Peen Here.” The moles will change arrangement unpredictably, and you will never be able to make money off of this unexplainable phenomenon.
5. You now fart Phad Thai in public and glitter at home. Sure, you could stay home, but have you ever tried to completely get rid of glitter? Good luck with that one.
Hey, shut up – I like Zach Braff.
I like you, too – you always make me smile.
And you’ve met my friend Janaya. (which has nothing to do with anything except that it popped into my head just now so I typed it. )
But you know the Zach Braff movies are going to get worse!
Oh… mahhhhh gahhhhd, I cannot stop laughing. I really needed a good laugh, too, to snap me out of the Sopranos-on-DVD induced trance I put myself in tonight. I’m on Season 3. I watched all of disc 1 tonight. Now that you’ve broken the spell of the evil HBO writers I can go to sleep like a normal person. Sank you!
Excellent. Number 4 is my absolute favorite. How awful would that be?! I especially like that they change position randomly and without notice. Brilliant. :)