As we look back on the glorious year that was 2002, we must not forget an important (and free) activity that people often turn to in times of economic turmoil: humping.

Once, there were fabulous songsmiths who could weave spellbinding tunes that were worthy of the act itself. I am referring to, of course, persons such as Barry White, Marvin Gaye, and Al Green. They made music that was called “soul” music, and crafted lyrics that said things such as “ooh baby, I’m going to give you all of my sweet lovin’,” which, roughly translated, meant: “Girl, hold still, cause I’m gonna stick my thing in you.”

Alas, “soul” (the genre title implying “humping is good for your soul”) is dead. In these modern times, we have instead the genre known as “R&B.” I cannot back this up, but I’m pretty sure the “R” stands for “Ready” and the “B” stands for “Boning,” as in “The Ready For Boning” genre.

It is also important to note that today’s youth have no interest in the tedious subtlety of the previous “soul” generation. We want our humping NOW, and in lieu of that, we want it described to us using in the MOST GRAPHIC TERMS POSSIBLE, and instead of real instruments we want a backbeat that goes “um-tss, tss, tss, BOOM!” Turn up that bass, BI-otch, cause it’s time to get it OOOONNN!

We in the offices of I, Asshole have worked hard to provide you with a list of Musical Hi-lites of 2002, and proudly present: SONGS ABOUT HUMPING (2002).

First, a call for female equality. In her song “Work It,” Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliot demands the same treatment as her male counterparts, except instead of requesting “let me stick it in you,” she suggests that you stick it in her. (Important: this is the defining difference between today’s male and female hiphop artistes.)

Missy Elliot, “Work It” (snippet)

“Call before you come, I need to shave my chocha,
You do or you don