You’re My Density

Posted on by

I am feeling all ugh ugh angst today. I have been hesitant to write about this, because it’s just kind of an ugly blotch on my life right now. I have this ongoing thing with my neighbor, unfortunately. When we first moved in, he had a bachelor party that went for two nights that led to some drama, since Strudel wasn’t sleeping well then and I was short on sleep anyway. When it went to two a.m. the second night I stuck my head out the window and begged them to shut up. So after the parties were over, he talked to us, and I thought it was water under the bridge.

Two years later, I am about to leave town this July for Oregon, and some other neighbors knock on my door with “We just thought you should know, your neighbor is very angry that your cat is pooping in the dirt by his apartment, and he’s telling people that he’s calling animal control.” This was the first I’d heard of it, and we were leaving the next morning, so I called the cat sitter and had her keep the cat in while we were gone. For the past two months she’s been in the house or in the fenced backyard, which she cannot get out of.

We had drama again last night, which culminated in him repeatedly telling me that he was going to kill my cat if he saw her out again. I tried to tell him that I keep my cat in now, but he didn’t believe me…the evidence is that there’s still cats shitting in the dirt outside his door. His neighbor tried to tell him the same thing, that the cat stays in, but he was so angry he was not hearing it. He also accused me of calling his landlord after the two-day party, and assured me that his landlord doesn’t care about any of it. I suspect that someone else called the landlord, because I sure didn’t.

So he thinks I am a landlord caller with a poop gun. Somehow, for reasons which are unclear to me, the fact that we are bad parents (?) came into play as well. The personal insults–whatever. I’ve heard worse. I guess this explains why his terse hellos have disintegrated into death glares lately.

I should have knocked on his door after we came back from vacation, but I was hoping that keeping the cat in would smooth things over. I never thought it would escalate to the point of him threatening to kill my cat. I’m not worried about that, because I know where she is all the time, and she uses her litter box and sleeps 18 hours a day, as an elderly cat should.

I dunno. How do you deal with neighbor problems like this? I feel like at this point he is not going to believe one word that comes out of my mouth.

45 thoughts on “You’re My Density”

  1. Ugh. Gross. Killing him with kindness, perhaps? It does not sound like he is being too receptive to reason, sadly.

  2. Well obviously you need to tp his campsite! Erm, apartment building. Failing that, baleet is a favorite option! Kol humor aside, I have always found the saying that good fences make good neighbors to be very true. The fence doesn’t even have to be made of wood, but can be built one death stare, right back at him, at a time!

  3. I have one set of bad neighbors. I wished heir dog dead, AND THEN IT DIED. So maybe if you wish real hard that he’ll move away or something…

  4. I don’t wish any PERSON dead, but their landlord has to be at least 900, and there’s talks that when he is out of the landlording game the building will be flipped and turned into townhouses.

    Nowadays, sadly, I have more patience for passive-aggressive yuppies than drunken white trash.

  5. I say if he’s already accusing you of bizarre shit, start DOING bizarre shit to him (except not with the cat, because that would be bad). It’s not the SAFEST option, but it sure is fun to pile on the crazy!

  7. Speaking of unsafe yet satisfying: A dead fish in a baggie with one hole poked in it under a car seat is always good.

  8. Kill him with kindness. Bake the rat a nice pie, hand it to him with apologies for any past pooping, and generally reassure him that you have never called the landlord.

    If he’s still bitchy after that, hit him with the pie. Make sure you use a really heavy baking dish under it.

  9. I’m largely with Cyberwolfe, I suppose. What’s really at play here is that it completely feels like crap to have it in your face that you are soundly disliked and disrespected–and for no reasonable reason, right? Let’s review: It was inappropriate for him to have hosted two nights of debauchery in a spce heavily populated by those not included, some of whom were children for fuck’s sake, and you, at the end of your tether, called him on it. He probably got flak beyond yours (as clearly evidenced by the fact that SOMEONE called the landlord on him), but the most socially-acceptable scapegoat for all of it, from his POV, was you as the neighborhood noob–and he has continued, anonymously and unknown until recently to you, to heap evidence against you even if only in his own mind.
    So, a pie and some air clearing is in order. Mostly becaue it is the right kind of behavior to model for your children. But “kill him with kindness” is more than you need do. If he doesn’t get it, well, unfuck him. His inability to cope is not on you, darlin.’ And that is also an important thing to model for your kids. We can’t help it if we are affected by others’ bullshit–and then, moments later, we can. Quash the angst, girl, and get your chin back up!

  10. He’s threatening to kill your cat and you haven’t called the cops… why? Document all of his blustering and threats and the confrontations, call the cops, and get this all on file. Fuck him. Seriously.

  11. Hmm, I guess I honestly hadn’t thought of reporting it anymore, because when I call the cops in this neighborhood, they don’t come. Last I heard Seattle was understaffed by 30% or so.

  12. I think documenting is a good idea, but you might also be proactive and give Animal Control a ring to let them know this guy is threatening your cat. They may have some ideas as I’m sure they’ve been caught in the middle of many fights between neighbors where the poor pets become the scapegoats. At the very least, they’ll have you on file first and they might not give him any credence if/when he calls to tattle on your scary indoor cat that sleeps all day.

  14. I agree with calling Animal Control and letting them know whats going on. Start documenting what he says and does at what times. You can also call the non-emergency police line and let them know what’s going on. Let them know you’re documenting everything. They will hopefully have some advice on what else you can do to be proactive against this asshat.

    Also, I loved Bobbie’s use of “unfuck him.” It made me smile.

  16. I am very much in agreement with Brigid and Emily. Although “clearing the air” and handing out pies sounds nice, in my experience it only serves to lessen hostilities if you’re dealing with a certain type of person. A semi-reasonable, only moderately paranoid sort of person. (And even those sorts of people rarely decide to like you just because you handled their bullshit like an adult. They’ll still talk shit behind your back, and will most likely remain pissed forever.) Often trying to “smooth things over” with assholes just turns into another opportunity for them to fuck up your day.

    My advice, document everything (dates, times, key phrases, witnesses). Notify animal control, the police, possibly your landlord. Don’t make a huge deal out of it, just make sure that s/he knows what’s been going on. Lords of The Land don’t ususually like to be the last ones to know if the cops have to make an appearance.

    Beyond that, ignore the dude. Keep track of your kitty, watch out for the chickens. Maybe let your kids know a little bit about what’s been going on so that he doesn’t surprise them. Carry on with life, enjoy the little pleasures (like watching neighborhood cats crap by his door).

  17. Sigh. I had a crazy neighbor. Literally. He lived three houses away and wrote us a letter to complain about our dog barking while we weren’t home complete with backstory of what a great neighborhood it was when he moved here 9 years ago blah blah blah. He mailed it to us via USPS–from three houses away.

    We stopped letting the dogs go up on our (very high) deck and didn’t hear from him again…until two years to the month of the first letter. He mailed us another letter complaining about our dog again (sadly we didn’t even have the old dog that he complained about he first time anymore). He harped on and on about this repeated offense. Remember the 1st complaint was 2 years before and we hadn’t heard a peep since nor had we ever seen anything but a lamp in the window from his house in these two years.

    He told us about a specific evening when we were obviously home and ignored our dog’s continual barking and told us he called the police. He sited animal control’s noise code He also cc’d the north precinct and animal control. Needless to say we never heard anything from the police. I wrote back explaining that in fact we were at my son’s science fair that night and that if he had bothered to knock on our door he would have known we were not home. I cited the animal noise ordinance as well and quoted the part saying that they recommend people work things out themselves if possible. I also cc’d the police dept and animal control for kicks since he seemed to think that was important and mailed it off just as he had.

    Literally the next week his house went up for sale and he moved. After I mailed the letter I decided to google his name and found that he is a self-educated psychotherapist (the kind that doesn’t need a degree) who specializes in controlling your inner rage in your multiple personalities. He has been sued for hypnotizing people into believing they were raped by cults during childhood (these accusations were lated found to be unfounded). He destroyed people’s families with this shit.

    Anyhoo…he moved away.

    BUT, my advice is to show him the animal control information at http://www.seattle.gov/animalshelter/catowner.htm and explain how you have followed this advice. Then offer to have your cat’s shit tested for DNA compared to the shit he finds in his flowerbed. Or better yet, make up a bogus DNA analysis report and mail it to him via USPS with a cc’ to the north precinct and animal control.

  21. I’d suggest secretly dumping manure in the dirt outside his door. But that’s just my fantasy. For sure keep your cat and kids away from that crazy asshat.

  23. I wouldn’t give him any gifts of food. With your luck, he’d get heartburn and blame you, and claim you poisoned him.

    If there’s a yard thing that deters cats from crapping in yards (surely someone has tried to invent this), and it is cheap, get him one. Or offer catnip plants, noting that cats won’t poop on “food” items, but he will still be very popular with the ‘hood kitties.

    Or offer him a sprinkler head for his hose. Squirting the poopers won’t hurt them, and they may find as better toilet spot.

  24. My neighbor has said multiple times that there is a cat that is pissing on his front door mat… he came over the other night and said that ( drinking a glass of MY wine ) that he is fed up and he doesn’t care whose cat it is it is not coming back home. I told my wife that and she freaked out and said that is a felony w/2 yrs prison term… Hey, I am 5’11, 200lbs 3rd degree black belt that seriously works out 5-6 days a week….I would love nothing less but to beat the crap out of him and then end it at that but I don’t want to go to jail and he is a father too….. What to do?

  25. Hi! Your Post “You’re My Density” is very interesting for me. Unfortunately my written English is not so good so I write in German: Dir, meinem liebsten, geh

Comments are closed.