Good Day, Sir

Tonight I was at Le Fred after being overcharged for some wee rain boots. As we were in line, we were considering buying their entire stock of Hannah Montana posters as an alternative to painting the office.

“Only if she’s half-naked, like on her myspace,” I said.

The customer service clerk took exception to this. He was somewhere between twenty and twenty-five, and obviously In Charge of the Internet, possibly even a Keyboard Gangster.

“No wai,” he said. “Those things are photoshopped all the time. You can’t believe that stuff. They make fake pages all the time. I mean, Albert Einstein and Sartre has a myspace,” he concluded, kindly educating the oldsters who stood before him.

I waited until he finished our transaction to hiss to P., “I have seen many shops in my day, and I know those are not shops.”

“Yeah, it was on the news and everything.”

“I KNOW, RITE. Now who’s the lamezor noob?”

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Chicken Breakdown and Lazy Saturday

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Hay guys, what’s going on in this blog? I have big big lady chickens now. It’s amazing how fast it happens. You get a wild hair in the spring, build a house, and BAM, four months later you have monsters that eat all your foxgloves. No, I don’t know if they are seeing in van Gogh vision now as a result, but they do seem kind of crazy when I go visit them and hold still and they forget I’m there.

caliapants.jpgThis is biggie-sized Calliope, the easter egger. My learnings tell me that Easter Eggers are mutty birds that are bred because people like the green and blue eggs. People often try to pass them off as fancier than they are, and often label them as Araucanas or Ameraucanas. Calliope was labeled as the latter. I think she is closer to an Araucana than an Ameraucana because she has the olive green legs and face muff similar to that type of bird. All she’s missing is the rumpless-ness–she has a very nice tail.

veronica.jpgVeronica Peep has grown as well. Here you can see the two of them with the dearly departed Marty McFly. I thought Marty was destined for a pot, but apparently the children who own him now have grown too attached to him and have renamed him. I was very surprised, but pleased. I knew he was a sweet bird.

Veronica is a Buff Orpington. Orpingtons are kind of like the Halloween candy you get to at the very bottom of the bag. They are the Laffy Taffy of the chicken world. You can eat one and say, “That piece of strawberry Laffy Taffy was okay, but nothing compared to the Almond Joys on the first night. At least this Laffy Taffy is not that horrid peanut butter chew goo in the black and orange wrapper. That stuff should be illegal.” Which is to say, they do the job, but it is hard to get to excited about an Orp. They are either ignoring you or napping or ignoring you while napping. “Meh, I’m a chicken, what do you want from me?”

cricket.jpgCricket, or maybe this is Othercup, is one of my Sicilian Buttercups. They were impulse purchases at the feed store on a day when I was just coming in for feed. Impulse chickens are like the last accidental baby after the first seven. You love it, but you think maybe you shouldn’t have drank that entire bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 behind the granary.

The Buttercups are the peanut butter chew goo barf. They won’t let you touch them because they are of “flighty Mediterranean stock” as my chicken book euphemistically puts it, but they sure are eager to run over to me and peck at my delicious shiny toenail. Egg, Leg, or…Bag..el, ladies, no one rides for free. At least the other ones let me pet them. When their combs come all the way in, they should look like tiny rubber gloves stapled to their heads, and that should be good for some moderate lulz, like a lady in a ridiculous hat. Oh, I should have named one of them Camila P-B. I suppose it’s not too late, since they already hate me.

They are disappointing snots, tbqh. Sort of like Jennifer Grey’s character in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Smug, frowny, and unpleasant. “I’m telling MOM.” FECK RIGHT OFF.

closeflufly.jpgMr. Klassy was a prayer chicken. He came from a straight run of Polishes, that is to say, unsexed. Danger chicken. Please, please, please let her be a girl. Nope. I have been trimming his poof back so he can see. We got back from a week on vacation and his bangs were so long he would just stand there and act very, very surprised when you would pick him up.

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Mr. Klassy is a snappy dresser and a true gentleman, and I am going to miss him. I need to get myself a farm or something.

Here are some things that have been amusing me for the past few days.

Video:
5xmn46.jpgChimps on skates.
Women who have voluntarily taken themselves out of society.

What’s Your Damage, Heather?

Okay, emails are telling me that yes, Virginia (stop calling me that), you do have to login to comment. So I apologize for making reference to Ritalin, etc. Thanks for reading, if you are, and…it’s coming along. Just imagine donkeys knitting ponchos. In the meantime I will spin plates and you can point and laugh.

Today I get my Franny back and then immediately chuck her at a slumber party, which she is very excited about. We had a weird moment in the spring where she was invited to one for the day she came back from her dad’s and it didn’t work out so well. She came home from school and was supposed to have a snack, pack, and chill out a bit and then go for dinner.

Instead Franny utterly dragged her feet and moped, clinging to me on the couch and talking about how her week had gone. The minutes ticked by.

“Are you going to pack?” I said.

“Mmm, yes, soon, I guess.”

Finally I asked her if she wanted to go.

“I don’t know,” she said, frowning. “What are you making for dinner?” By accident I was making one of her favorite things, peanut-crusted chicken.

“Oooh, darn” she said, and dragged herself upstairs but was only pretending to pack. “I want to see Strudel and P. tonight.”

“Tomorrow,” I said. “Have fun tonight with those girls and family time tomorrow.”

We got out the door in time, Franny looking jolly like someone who is walking off to be executed. Her shoulders slumped.

“Are you having trouble making a decision?” I said.

“Yes,” she sighed.

“Well,” I said, “sometimes when I am having trouble deciding, I listen to my gut. You know, how I feel inside? I say, do I feel excited about going to this party, or do I want to stay home?”

Normally if she was a little grumbly or lazy I would tell her to sack up and give her a little speech about not being flaky and trying to see our promises through, but she was looking weird.

We approached the door and could see into the front window, which was half a storey above street level. The rest of the girls were already there and were having some sort of screamy eight-year-old girl ritual in the living room involving scarves and jumping around a lot. We walked up the steps unnoticed. Franny clutched her sleeping bag and her finger hovered over the doorbell. She turned to me.

“My gut is telling me to stay home,” she said, and put her finger away.

We walked home and she seemed much happier immediately. I called one of the parents and apologetically told them that Franny was not going to be there. People are pretty understanding of the fact that split custody is really hard on her and things like this happen sometimes. Before she went to bed that night, I asked her if she had made the right decision.

“Yes,” she said. “I’m just glad those girls didn’t see me.”

So I hope we don’t have a repeat of that today, really. I want her to go and do fun things with her friends. Tonight I will tell her I am making liver and onions, followed by a rousing evening of “sit in a cardboard box and stare at the wall.”

And Then There Were Six

Plowing ahead, in spite of blog errors at every turn. I have an intrepidness. Probably just stupidity, really, as I have also been struggling with Vista for a year-and-a-half as well. I have received intelligence that there is another upgrade for MT, and I think I want to try that before I jump to WordPress.

Anyway, the contract agency interview went really well yesterday. I feel confident that they are going to handle me well and I bet I’ll be trapped behind a desk in no time flat. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt so comfortable at an interview.

This morning I spent some time out back, watching the chickens. My favorite time is when I open the door for the first time in the morning and they come bursting out, like out of some kind of chicken cannon and run around the yard flapping and stretching.

I open the house’s big door to put their water out on the lawn and check their food, and it always looks like some kind of horrible bar fight happened in there.The feeder is always still swaying slightly and there is litter and poop and food everywhere.

I watched them noodle around the yard and nip at a slightly overripe avocado that I’d split for them. Ms. Klassy the Polish came by and I noticed that she’s sprouted saddle feathers, making her a him. DAG. My favorite, most mellowist chicken, and now I have to rehome him.

I am still on the fence with the Silkies. One stayed small and clearly looked like a pullet, and the other grew much faster, but does not otherwise look like a rooster. Now they are close in size and their head crests look the same. Other than that, we certainly have an orpington, and Easter Egger, and two golden buttercups that are certainly girls.

I never can tell if they become your favorite chickens because they start sweet, or because you spend extra time with them and spoil them, making them tame and easy. I handled the Polish a lot because I heard they could be flighty, but now when I hold him he grabs my hand and lowers himself until his breastbone goes “whump” and lands on my arm, totally relaxed. I will get out there today and snap some pics. They are huge now.

The Hammer Is My Penis

Hey hey things are afoot here, or three of them, composing a yard, whichever.

Today I have an interview with someone who seeks to hunt my head, and put it on a platter with an apple in my mouth, all the while asking me if I do XML. I am hopeful that I will be placed in early September when my kids go back to school, and for longer than the holiday season, which is of course a terrible time to try to find moar works.

I shopped for new clothes since everything that fits is casual, and I had that agony that you can get over interview clothes. Is this too dressy? Is this not dressy enough? Will a dingo steal my baby? Whatever. The last time worked in an office I was paradoxically both skinnier than I am now and pregnant. Yay stress and poverty. I rocked that “olive on a toothpick” look but hard.

One of the lamest interviews I ever had was in college when I was trying to get out of retail. It was incoming call center work, which I thought I might qualify for since I had done “telephone interviewing” (a.k.a. harassment, because the government needs to know how many times a week you eat carrots, fat Americans) a few years before that. I was poor college jerk, so I threw together what I had, which was a pair of black trousers and a clean, ironed white shirt, probably from the thrift store. I added a blue glass vintage brooch to it so I wouldn’t look totally clone army. The interviews were large group style and at one point the interviewer, a woman, turned to me and said, appropos of nothing, “Do you work in a movie theatre or something?”

“Um…no,” I replied lamely, startled.

I did not get the job, which was probably for the best, really. Instead I landed my cool coffee job which broke me to the world of humans and socializing properly, since I was forced to confront surely rich Phoenix dicks daily (memorable quote: “I have socks worth more than you.”) and a supposed millionaire stalker in his 50s who used to quote Seinfeld at me incessantly and plotted every week to steal me from my husband. FAIL. Maybe if I would have found the millionaire thing out up front. But no. Seinfeld quotes. That’s a tough one.

One thing I regret not doing before I had children was going off on stupid whims like that. “BYE HONEY, I’m leaving you for a coffee shop lottery winner weirdo! Goin’ to Vegas! Don’t hold dinner! Ever!” I should have married more times for money, for sure.

Usually I have projects coming out of every orifice with a side of too much cooking for good measure, but not right now. The tomatoes aren’t even ripe. This summer is a ripoff and I want my moneys back. I was going to paint the office walls, cream on the top half and French blue on the bottom, with an antique gold stripe to act as a chair rail, but now I think I will just paint most walls cream and one wall blue, ye olde lazy decorator’s standby. Too much work and precision required from plan A. But something must be done to cover the Pepto pink Franny chose when we moved in.

Additionally, I am working on giving Franny’s Patty a skin transplant, since pretty much all of Patty’s fuzz rubbed off. I had to take Patty apart to get a pattern so I could resew her with new velvet. It disturbed me and I am not so sure this was a good idea, but the truth of the matter is that Patty was disintegrating. Franny is coming back on Friday and I am behind on that! Panic! Shame! Trauma mom!

pattyboombalatty.jpgPatty sans-stuffy. Fnif.

I fear that Inky, who wants you to know s/he enjoys toast with East, is going in the same direction. Inky likes having his/her/it’s ears rubbed and now I can see Inky’s skin through them. Lucky for us we have Inky II socked away in a drawer, ready to be deployed before she gets too wise.

Hi Weirdos

A quick check in. READ CAREFULLY because my previous posts on this subject seem to be bouncing off the drooling, Ritalin snorting internet hoards (myself included, I know I know).

A. You DO NOT have to sign in to leave a comment. I KNOW, it says that, but you can bypass and just fill out your infos.

B. People who cannot comment: I KNOW my shit is bananas broken here. Sorry. I wish I could say the back end of MT was of interest to me, but it’s not, and never has been. My help has thrown up their hands, in equal parts because I and MT sucks. I am thinking of switching to wordpress, which will break FIVE YEARS OR SO of image links. You see my dilemma. Rolling blackouts or years of hairshirt.

In the meantime, I am also posting MUCH more successfully at http://iasshole.diaryland.com, which makes me a lamezor noob, but wtfever, you can’t stop the music.

Inky Thinks That This Blog Sucks

I have a fourth roommate now, did I tell you? No, it’s not another surprise baby. It’s Inky, the Deadly Panther. Relations with Inky can be difficult, because all Inky-human communication is conducted through Strudel, which is good, because apparently if you rile Inky he will rip your fucking face off or something.

Inky has many needs and opinions, which are conveyed to us at all hours of the day.

“Inky would like some more blueberries, PLEASE!” Strudel tells us. You may not keep Mr. Inky waiting. Inky is referred to as “he” and “him” constantly but it is important for us to know that Inky is a GIRL PANTHER.

Strudel’s father and I were having a lively discussion on vacation, not even Serious Arguing for us, and Inky interrupted right in the middle. I think we were trying to decide what to do that day, or something. Having been raised by a pack of feral Italians, I tend to speak loudly and fling my hands around a lot.

(“YES,” I say, “GIVE ME MORE ORANGE JUICE for Christ’s sake.”)

“INKY DOESN’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU ARGUE,” Inky’s translator informed us.

“Tell Inky that he is a LITTLE TOO SENSITIVE,” I replied.

Inky wants to ride the bus. Inky wants to wear pajamas all day. Inky wants to listen to Fucking Noats. (I have told Inky repeatedly it’s “Hall and Oates” but Inky’s made up his mind.)

So now we are living under a dictatorship. An Inktatorship. Quick, send a banana republic to save us!!! (Inky prefers The Gap.)

How to Tell If Jobhunting Is Getting to You

Adblocking every other avatar in forums you frequent on the grounds that they are TOO DAMN ANNOYING is probably a sign of something. Probably not everyone should die in a fire. It’s probably me.

Send off resume again, believe own hype. This is a GREAT cover letter!

Inbox: 0

Inbox: 0

Inbox: Devistate her with your Penis of the Soul Hammer

delete

Inbox: 0

Develop chinks in one’s own personal hype armor. Maybe I am not resembling anything bomblike?

Nap

Watch Dr. Horrible AGAIN.

Imagine a dreamdate with Yahtzee, though he is on the other side of the world, and would have to, you know, agree to said dreamdate along with various other problems with this scenario. I imagine us at a government auction, followed by a meal composed entirely of stuff we stole.

Look around house for stuff I can sell.

Look around others’ houses for stuff I can sell.

Realize that Fingeree and Fingerdoo are the only ones who understand me.

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This morning the bacon I cooked was shaped like Italy. I cannot help but think this is significant.

My brethren’s dippin’ her fries and Guinness in it

Looks like there’s a librarian gatheration in Ye Olde College in tonight, no doubt in honor of Her Librarianness. The only thing that can get me into the dungeon known as the College Inn at this point is librarians (seven p.m. btw). Otherwise I am busy hiding in my house and jobhunting, I swear.

I’ll be interested to see if this even publishes. My blog is kind of broken right now, I’ve no clue what’s wrong. I think I am getting off this sinking ship known as MT and moving to WordPress. I sure hope that fixes things. A thousand entries takes forty-seven years for a complete republish. The drawback is that ALL my image links will break.

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Hats off to public trolling and out of town

So I have been out of town for a week, and am late, late, late to the party, but I knew I needed to say a little something about Blogher. Everyone else has moved on with their lives BUT WHATEVER I have not, because I’ve been stewing in my juices in rural Oregon for week.

I think I really do, because last night I dreamt it was held on a beach like a big party, and Liz Henry was kind of the boss of it and had a really long mohawk that kept flowing about behind her like some Road Warrior vs Liberty Leading the People action. (Gene Delacroix high kick!) I think I was dreaming about it and Liz because I had just caught up on the whole Wis-Con fiasco, which a friend clued me into last week. At first I was like how on earth could I missed that mess, but then I realized I was running that wretched auction the same weekend.

Anyway, my overall impression of the conference was really good, but I thought the keynote was fairly fail. I generally avoid writing about people who I think are boring or overrated, but I thought the keynote selection of Dooce left things on a sour note. The theme for Blogher this year was “Reach” and I saw that she was announced and I thought “meh, heard her story before, this is quite a comedown from Elizabeth Edwards, etc” but I knew I could find something else to do for that night.

My feelings of being unimpressed grew throughout the conference as it was increasingly obvious that she was not going to make an appearance anywhere (that I know of) including the panels and social events. What kind of message does it send to your fanbase/supporters that you can’t deign to attend any part of the conference that you are keynoting? It’s not like it’s outside her realm of interests. We’re not offshore fishermen. We’re female bloggers.

I suppose it’s a feat to make a living off of the spectacle of your life–many have done it before and will again, but I don’t really see Dooce as reaching for much of anything, except maybe for the paycheck she got for slagging one of her biggest fans in public. We should all be so lucky to be paid to troll people in public.

You know, actually, wait. I think my admiration has increased. With Something Awful you have to pay to see the trolling or slog through ads. Other trolls are barely post alphabetic. This is better. Well-played! I would like to hear more from that Redbook woman who was keynoting Saturday morning. I think Redbook is a sad ragbag but she was hilariously fascinating, and I had not heard her story before.

In other news, I am back from rural Oregon, land of coyote poop and driving, driving, driving on gravel roads to get anywhere. I have one month to find a job, do some editing of my own work, and save the historic diner! Speaking of historic diner, did you see that they got Old Nat for new 90210? And the rest of the has-beens are flocking as well.

If you are over the age of 30 are you wishing that they would just kick off all the new kids and go at it again? I mean, at this point I think they have everyone except for Luke Perry and David Silver’s Friend Who Shot Himself. They should bring him back as a new character.

I accidentally adblocked my gmail this morning and am thinking of giving up personal computing. Monkeychow OUT.