Alright, I’ve got one. This is a truly horrible tale that still makes me shudder when I think of it. Do you know what earwigs are? Possibly only beneath roaches and silverfish on the scale of insect dreadfulness.

Well, when I was in high school, I had this boyfriend, Texaco. I was a real sex monkey then and he was my willing accomplice. We were out in the middle of nowhere as far as sex shops/ interesting urban stuff was concerned, so we, like any small-town kids, learned to improvise.

Texaco and I decided we needed some sort of lubricant to assist us while we were playing house, so we went hunting in his mother’s pantry. Texaco’s mom is a wonderful woman. Her only rule: “No sex in the house.” Oh, well.

We found an extremely large bottle of canola oil (I’m talkin at least half a gallon here) in the cupboard and Texaco poured some oil into a shallow dish. Giggling fiendishly at our cleverness, we ran down to his basement bedroom to put the oil to immediate use.

Weeks passed. Texaco has never been a very good housekeeper, so whenever we would get into the mood to say “hello to the baloney pony” he would just reach under the bed for the dish to apply a few dabs of oil as necessary. (Which was usually once or twice a day then.)

WELL, after this sort of laziness/ convenience had been going on for about three weeks, Texaco decided to finally clean up his room. He pulled the dish out from under the bed, and what do you think he found in it? THAT’S RIGHT KIDS, about a dozen drowned earwigs!What a way to die.

Moral:

1. Don’t be a lazy luber.

2. I read once that to kill earwigs one should put out beer, but no, the answer is canola oil.