Things to Do To-day!

1. Morning:
a. Fuck up muffins. Crappity tiny expensive grocery store does not have muffin tins, as companion was promised. Chuck exquisite, from-scratch muffin batter into loaf pan, because Mark Bittman Sayeth that All Muffin Batter is Quick Bread Batter Divided into 8-12 parts. Micromanage; disorganize.

b. Get grumpy whilst waiting for Giant Muffin Loaf to cook (1 hour, ten minutes). Kick dog (imaginary). Pinch companion in the tit, hard. Watch companion get distrustful and declare, “You need to eat something.” Go into warthog mode. Wrestle companion to the ground like a little bitch (also imaginary, companion always wins).

c. Companion takes over cooking because I am judged inept in the kitchen as usual. Mentally note companion’s controllo tendencies. Imagine him as giant ham, like in a cartoon. Delicious!

d. Eat Muffin Loaf. It’s good, but fuck you and your dense batter, Mark Bittman. Watch companion monopolize computer while wanting to research 1,000 different things. List is so long…clock is ticking. Wonder how the computer time will work out if moved in with companion? Envision two separate offices, one filled with porn, empty cans of thai iced tea, and dirty socks, and one for him.

d. Companion boots self out, obviously disgusted with his companion.

Soundtrack: Seven’s Travels, Atmosphere.

2. Early Afternoon:
a. Masturbate. Plan to do it again in 2.5 hours.

b. Complete first job application, assuring self that self can and should be academic librarian. Use words in cover letter like, “dynamic and diverse research environment.” Hate self.

c. Hungry again. Swear, because did not have protein with breakfast, only hateful Muffin Loaf. No time to eat! Must work! Inhale half a jar of green olives and half a Giant can of thai iced tea. Wonder, should thai iced tea come in a can??? What is “tartrazine?”

Soundtrack: “Toxic”, Britney Spears, and “Tiny Dancer,” El-Ton John, illegally downloaded of the Internet. Rinse, repeat. I cannot stop.

3. Late Afternoon:
a. Reapply for financial aid. Talk to baby’s daddy about tax info without hating him. Pleasant surprise! But no…he must be up to something. Vacillate between paranoia and ennui for the next hour.

b. Companion calls! There is a new library, opening this summer with FOUR job openings! Convince self that could be public librarian. Convince self that working at the same library is a good idea. Perhaps opposite shifts. Imagine sexually-frustrated due-date stamping. Get distracted. Companion offers to make a picnic for dinner. He wins!

c. Realize it is 6pm and no shower yet. Better get cracking�must scratch second round of masturbation of list. Where does the motherfucking weekend go?

Soundtrack: Tom-Tom Club. “We went insane when we took cocaine.”

Sunday:
Delete comment spam garnered by the overuse of the words “masturbation” and “motherfucking.” Close comments.

In Other News

In bed last night:

“Have you ever done anything to impress me?” I said.

“Oh sure,” he said.

“Like what?”

“Um…pretend to be emotionally stable.”

Ha! One million points for honestly and hilarity.