So, in honor of crappy-ass November and the fact that it brings less craziness and a respite, I bring YOU a photo essay, worthy of framing and a Pulitzer Prize in Redonk-a-donk. And a poll.

Give me booberty or give me death.

All Quiet on the Best Western Front (Wednesday)

I was going to write a piquantly hilarious story about technology, bureaucracy, and human foibles, but instead I will tell you in plain English: I invited my webhost and friend over for dinner and he borked our Internets. He was trying to update some software for our modem, and it ended up fucking frying the poor little thing. How will I illegally download Samurai Champloo now? So, four days later, we have the Internets again.

What a HARROWING four days though. I didn’t realize how dependent I am on things like online banking and online librarying and “Hey, how many spin-offs came off of All in the Family?” and “Have you seen Lindsay Lohan’s boobies lately???”

In conclusion, I AM SPOILT.

Here is Daniel, before he borked our Internets. Now we won’t even let him LOOK at our baby.

(Daniel’s the one with the beard. You probably guessed that. Although I think it would be pretty cool to have a baby webmaster.)

On Fridays sodomize tender virgin nuns
Tie them up, lear at them, and then I have my fun
Saturdays I stand and sing my sad, sad, sick, sick songs
To anyone who listen, who in the head is wrong
Sundays, Sundays, the day I love the best
Rape, murder, pillage while other people rest

All you need to know about Saturday is that we went and saw The Tiger Lillies, and when they sang the song about having gonorrhea on your hand, people walked out. True story.

This Pumpkin Will Rock You Like Some Hurricane. And Poll. (Sunday)

Then, as is our usual annual tradition, we had a pumpkin carving party. Usually, we invite outside friends and family, but this time it was just a famjam starring my mother and my sister. I was mixing up some wicked awesome Knudsen’s spritzers (boysenberry) and vodka. I added three drops of red food coloring to each one and declared them bloody spritzers. Scary!

Later I switched to one of my favorites, white Russians. It turns out that if you add food coloring to that it turns pink. A sunburned Russian! Not scary!

My family requested that I post the pictures from the party and poll you on the best carved pumpkin. YOU BE THE JUDGE. Vote early and often. (Winner and winner’s identity will be posted soon.)

A.

B.

C.

D.

Thank U for voting! Please drive thru!

This is Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! (Monday)

And then the main event. It was my companion’s birthday, and it happened to be his Golden Birthday, so I went to Fran’s and bought him so bittersweet truffles with little gold tips, and some gold-wrapped hearts, and a chocolate-dipped fig, which was not gold, but he likes figs, so weh. And when I was there I espied with my nosy eye a giant three-pound chocolate turkey, which immediately inspired a HAIKU!

O! Choc’late gobbler!
Can I cram it in my maw?
You will be mine, bitch.

The lady at the shop said that people use them for centerpieces at their Fangsgiving dinners, and then crack them up after. Can I put you on my wishlist? NO? FOR FUCK’S SAKE PEOPLE. Here is a similar turkey done up by those awesome cockrockers at Lake Champlain Chocolates, home of the Five-Star Bar, yeah baby. Except only nine ounces. I don’t have time for a nine-ounce turkey, frankly.

ANYWAYS, then it was time for dressing up and demanding loot. Because my companion’s bizarreness is contagious, I decided to dress up too.

Franny said, “Those eyebrows make you look mean, Mom.”

I am mean! I am a tiny Commie chainsmoker, whipsawed by a nasty bus/trolly combo! My husband slept with my sister! Madonna owns two of my paintings! I am dead and rolling in my grave! History is better when you’re shouting!

My companion was the North Wind:

Not to be confused with the Noth wind:

And Franny was a leopard! Scary again!

I made a deal with Franny: I told her that she could eat as much candy as she wanted to last night, and that today it would all be traded in for toy tickets, for purchasing something at the I, Asshole-approved, non-cheap-plastic-crap toy store. I told her she could get some more swag for her dolly house or something else. It was going great until this morning when she was weeping over her toast. So I drew her up little fake dollar-tickets that she can redeem with me for toy shopping. She bucked up a little then.

I am cruel to be kind. Also, I am cruel to hoard all the candy for myself. I think the really crazy thing about Halloween is not just the sheer quantity of candy, but also the dizzying variety. Usually I just have one kind (and one serving, for that matter) of one sweets at a go. I have eaten so much Halloween candy this afternoon my head is buzzing and feels like it’s going to explode like a rotten jack-o-lantern. But it’s okay…I’m kind of enjoying typing this fast. I haven’t typed this fast since ye olde grad school days of Diet Vanilla Coke for breakfast. Mmm, DC with V. I miss you, chemicals.

Pour Me Another, and Ignore Me, My Brother (Monday again)

Cars drive by with boomin systems/I must be getting old because it sounds ridiculous

Finally, I hadn’t seen my friend Supa in yonks. We took our girls trick-or-treating together and she gave me my birthday present. We are going to see Atmosphere at the Showbox on the seventh! I saw Atmosphere about a year-and-a-half ago and I swear it was the best show I’ve ever seen. Small hip-hop crowds are so mellow compared to rock crowds. Someone accidentally elbowed me and then said “excuse me” AND MEANT IT. It was a religious experience, I tells ya. And a new album came out this month and what I’ve heard sounds so SICK. Yes!

Tracks at their myspace.

That’s hella going to be the jizoint fo’shizzle, assmizzles. Help, I’m lost now. And I’m starting to come down. Must…find…protein. Urgh.

PS All emails will be answered soonly, like tomorrow.