This episode of PNW’ed is brought to you by the threat “I will put my FOOT in your ASS!” and is marginally related to this PNW’ed here.

PNW’ed 15 FOR JERKS BY SEVERUS SNAPE

Now that they’ve finally got me off baby duty, they put me on cleaning. It’s all right with me, really. Them babies is hard to keep track of, especially with the fairies around and all.

My first job…it nearly scared the pudding outta me. Go muck out the big cats, they says. Didn’t know what it meant til I got down there with my mop and all.

Samus chased the cats out with something that smelled like it might have been fish three weeks ago, and I set to work. I forgot what it is you don’t want to mix with bleach until it was too late.

Mixing it with the ammonia in the cat piss nearly killed me straight off. I could feel myself going back, back, slipping out. My lungs was seized with a cold iron hand and I think I hit my head on something with a sharp edge.

When I woke up it was all black. My eyes strained to see through the darkness. “Helloooo,” I called. “Am I dead, then?”

The lights switched on and it was coming from the creature in front of me. If the big cats in their cages were bad, this was worse–an owl were before me, the mortal enemy of all mouses. She spoke and I stared at the light what was coming out of her head.

“Hold fast, Friend,” she said, and I had to look to see that she was talking to me. “I have duties for you.”