Chapter One: Dyeing in Haste; Repenting in Leisure

I walked into my local punk rock barber shop to get some more dye and bleach to do away with these dag-assed two inch roots I was rocking, and I discovered they were out of bleach. How much to do my roots, I wondered to the stylists, who were sitting around bored on a slow Sunday.

“Fifty dollars,” said the colorist in residence. Holy shit. That’s a lot of lettuce. But I was pretty desperate. And I hadn’t had any color work done for like, ten, years, so I felt like I would give it a try. I made arrangements with my Companion to take the little Mitten away with him to finish errands and pick me up in an hour. Sweet. Just me and a magazine.

My friend Supa has been doing my hair for so long that I am completely spoiled. This woman took twice as long as Supa does, and does not appreciate the importance of the hairline. Bleach freaks want a fresh start with a completely Draco Malfoy-ed hairline.

Figure 1: This will haunt my anal-retentive dreams.

So I guess I won’t be doing that again. I paid fifty clams for a sloppy bleach job, and twenty dolla for two bottles of dye. Normally I pay the twenty for dye and then ten for a box of DIY bleach kit, for a forty dollar savings.

The advantage was that she used volume 20 bleach, so my scalp doesn’t feel burned today. I should have had her dab on a little more up front as I was leaving, for the road. Ah well. It turned out fine with color on it, as you can see below.

Figure 2: I just had an itch! An itch!

Chapter 2: I Know Their Little Heads Are Tiny…But This One Has an Extra-Special-Tiny Head

Poor Captain Vimes! His arch-nemisis, the wily Upside-Down Cat, Emiv, has returned to torture our Hero. Will Emiv never cease his antagonism? Will Vimes ever figure out the idea of reflections? Probably not!

Chapter 3: If By Cocktail “Hour” You Mean Starting at Eleven and Ending With Me Passed Out in the Mashed Potatoes, Well Then Hells Yes.

Today has been…challenging, to put it mildly. My loyal and beleaguered readers may remember that I usually clean on Mondays. Today I have been followed around a tiny shrieking person who is trying to trip me and steal all my cleaning supplies. I had to suppress the urge to boot her out with the cats.

I went downstairs for a minute to look up Vodun curses to throw on insane toddlers, and I brought her with me. She promptly slipped back up the stairs and rootled through the pantry until she found the O’s. I was gone five minutes, and BLAM! The cereal asploded all over the kitchen.

Figure 3: Oh I am overcome with drudgery. (Click to make 50% larger and suckier.)

My favorite thing on cleaning day. One more fricken thing to clean.

So, I tried to “dial it down” then and do some chillaxin’ with my kid. Strudel, like my other spawnwich, enjoys herself some Lady Beauter Shop. Plus, she needed her toenails cut, which worked out well. She relaxed a little bit, and didn’t resume her screams until I got up to start cleaning again. Could I be more of an inconsiderate brute for attempting to keep her in a hygienic environment? No, I could not.

Figures 4 and 5: Family Robot Toes!

Speaking of things that haunt your dreams, I heard a sad rumor that Sally Hansen has stopped making their Chrome Shine Nail Makeup. People, I have been using this stuff since, like, 2002. It is THE thing I love. Robot toes are the summer foot jam with sandals.

The other night I actually had a dream about trying to find the nail polish and being distressed that I couldn’t. A couple of days later I went to Walgreens’ down in Ballard, and bought their last two bottles of original chrome on discount. Oh, the public, why must your tastes be so fickle?

Chapter 4: Daniel Infects Rancho Asshole with Raunchy Music (Again)

Confidential to Daniel: DJ Assault has been a big hit over here. You may watch in wonder as Strudel’s doors are blown so completely off that she freaks out, dances, and then shits herself. That’s pretty much how I react to DJ Assault, too.

Chapter 5: Daily Perplexity

People do weird stuff on my street all day long, as they use it for free Zoo parking. Sometimes they harass my cat, while other times they do cool things like forget their umbrella stroller so I can score it later. Today two young men walked away from their Jeep with one of the doors wide open.

Figure 6: DUUUUH

When they came back they were amazed by what they’d done. Amazed!

In Other News

Adam Corolla hangs up on Ann Coulter after she calls his radio show and hour-and-a-half late. (MP3 with some swears and the searing voice of Our Dark Lordress, so definitely NSFW.)