Hello Mother. Hello Father.

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Whoa whoa whoa, life was whuppin me. Today I woke up with a small bug that made my guts rumble, and I said “that’s it, life, you fucking asshole, obviously things are not going to get better so I might as well get out of bed and pretend it isn’t happening.” Plus Companion had that look. You know. The I REAALLY WANT TO GO TO WORK look. It’s a weird one. After he asked me for the eighth time if I “reeeeally needed him to stay home” I shooed him out.

I took me a while to recognize that look. As you can guess, my ex-husband never manifested the I Really Want To Go To Work look. The first couple times I thought Companion just really had to pee or something.

I haven’t puked yet. You know what I felt like this morning? Morning sickness. The only thing worse than experiencing the feeling of morning sickness and not being pregnant is experiencing morning sickness and being pregnant. Cause then you’re pregnant. And that baby, she will come out and be barfing on you in a few months. You can’t win. And then she’ll grow up and say “I totally hate you, Mother, and I am going to model my life on my idol, Mallory Keaton, portrayed magnificently by Justine Bateman on Family Ties.”

Am I the only one who experiences things that are like pregnancy when they are stone-cold not sperminated? I doubt it.

Moving on: I need to tell you that I got 93% of the hair ripped off my junk on Tuesday. I had some pain after. Wednesday was like a sunburn, in a place where if you are smart you will never get a sunburn.

Overall I like it. I was tempted to go for the Hitler mustache, because I think there’s something postmodernly-hilarious about having a hoo hoo that’s doing an imitation of a white supremacist. In the end I decided on a triangle. The post-wax triangle is like the vestigial tail. Or a pinky toe. Useless, somewhat pathetic. Decoration. Or perhaps it’s like a topiary; a mockery of nature.

I think I’m going to stick with it. I like this perversion of nature. Also, not having to shave as often. I am a sucky shaver. I don’t really cut myself, but I miss strips of hair here and there and I feel like I’m always rockin it Seth Brindle stylee. BOO.

And now I must tell you that Hamstergrrl sent me this link to a video. I thanked her because it features one of my very favorite things–the convention of the reporter not knowing what the ding dang dooly is going on behind him. In this case the ding dang dooly is a ding dong dildo. Yeah! Thanks Hamstergrrl.

Also, when I accidentally send something to my spam folder in gmail, and I go there to fetch it out, google now features ads there for Spam recipes. If only I could turn the spam I get into something nutritious. I would never have to shop again.

I hope this makes sense. Um…camp is fun! We are making lanyards today after canoeing! I miss your cooking!

Love,

Bigus Dickus

Addendum, 3:58 pm: Vomiting now. Will not be at BlogHer meetup. Goodbye cruel lunch.

12 thoughts on “Hello Mother. Hello Father.”

  1. It really isn’t fair that you have the gumption to put out a full and fabu post when you’re under the weather. I have trouble writing them when I’m at my best. In a pretty dress. And showered.

    I hope the vomiting has stopped.

  2. OMG, that’s in a suburb of my mighty metropolis! Yep, us Minnesotans are either clueless or cra-zay.

  3. I love having my hoo ha hair ripped out. I call it going to Brazil because I have them take 100% of it away. Okay, I don’t love the actual act, but 15 minutes after it starts, I feel totally naughty and start wondering who I’m going to let enjoy it.

    Wow, that last part really makes me sound like a whore. Oh well.

  4. I hope you feel better soon. I’m going to go mock nature in your honor right after I google “Seth Brindlee.”

    Seth Brindlee! No hits. Who is Seth Brindlee?

  5. And now I can stop feeling guilty that 1) I forgot about the BlogHer thing and 2) I forgot to try to get out of the thing that kept me from going to BlogHer because you were the only one I wanted to meet!

    Feel better! I hate the advice but the whole all fluids and all in small doses, no solids really does eventually make you feel better. Fucking warm jello and chicken stock.

  6. Wow SJ. I forgot that mothers actually care about hair on their hoo-ha. You’ve inspired me to shave… my legs. A girl has to start somewhere, and it’s been a few weeks. :)

    Seriously, though. Wow. Good for you. I hope you feel better soon. You’re one of my favorite reasons for the internet.

  7. I think it’s less that I care about the hair, or lack of, and more about cultivating dumb and expensive habits. And isn’t heroin SOOO 90s?

    Seth Brindle: Jeff Goldblum’s character in the fly. I know that was random.

  9. Ah the Brazilian Waxing Boys of Brazil and their exiled Nazi signature hoo hoo topiaries (love “mockery of nature”). Throw in some midgets and a camel, there’s a FOX network sitcom in there somewhere.

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