“A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth your effort.”

–Herm Albright

Hey, sweet, my luggage came in the mail today. I have aspirations of becoming a famous world traveler, so I thought I should look the part. I almost bought some of this smurfy teen luggage, because I like the colors, but it wasn’t quite me. I couldn’t find any luggage with skulls on it, and I am too lazy to paint one on, so my compromise was giraffe print. Dat’s me.

As Halo said a couple of weeks ago, I am realizing my chav potential, or something.

1. When I was about ten, I was convinced my destiny was to become a circus freak. I spent hours trying to get rid of my gag reflex by using larger and longer objects. As I have mentioned, I was a latchkey kid, so I had the prime hours between three and five to practice. Eventually I worked my way up to a twelve-inch ruler, and worked on that for a couple of weeks.

Suddenly one afternoon, and with a terrible vengeance, my gag reflex came back and I spewed my after-school snack all over the kitchen–Frosted Mini-Wheats. I spent the forty-five minutes before my parents came home frantically cleaning bits of Mini-Wheats off the kitchen curtains. I don’t think they knew.

2. I met an adorable Canadian corn-on-the-cob peddler at Bumbershoot ’95. I hadn’t had sex in like, three whole weeks, so I chatted him up and got him to agree to meet me after his shift. He took me out in his Canadian hippie bus and we went to a park close to my house. I tried to get his pants off, but he got huffy and told me he wasn’t a slut, and kicked me out of his bus. Doh.

3. When I was eight I had a neighbor who I was friends with when our other neighbor wasn’t speaking to her. She was the craziest candy hoarder anyone could ever imagine. When Halloween rolled around, she still had chocolate Easter eggs. When Easter rolled around, foil-wrapped Santas were still staring at me from her place where she kept her stash, which was in the living room near the fireplace.

One August, I couldn’t take it anymore. She went to her bedroom for something and I STRUCK! I opened her box of Cadbury Eggs, oh dear god, what a waste to see them languishing there in August when they could be in my maw. I was restrained; I only took one. I told myself she wouldn’t notice it.

Of course she did, even though she had a stack of candy so high if it were gold it would make a dragon cream its pants. I ran home without saying goodbye and ate the whole thing in one bite in my bedroom. It was delicious!

4. My record for Barbie legs is six. WINK.

5. When I was in the tenth grade I had completely mentally checked out of school, so in my Chemistry for Fucking Morons class I used to develop elaborate plans for when (if) I would graduate and become a commercial sailor, moving goods to and fro on the high seas. I used to make drawings in my notebook of my cabin and where I would keep everything: my plants, my books, my fishbowl, my cat. I would sleep with hot bitches when I was in port, and then give them the slip, sailing on to the next port.

6. I have probably licked every surface in your bathroom. Yes, that surface too. But I’m not a snoop anymore, so I did not lick your Xanax or your fancy condoms in the gold foil wrapper.

7. If I didn’t get into library school, I was going to go to beauty school. They’re both good trades. Sometimes I wish I had gone to beauty school, because I probably would have gotten a job right away.

8. I went through a phase when I was about twelve where I would reset any clock I could get my hands on, between four minutes off and four hours off. If someone asked me if I did it, I decided that I would confess, but no one ever asked me if I did it. I even managed to get the clock off the wall of my US History classroom.

This is in response to this guy I like, Ed, who tagged me for the Eight Random Facts Meme. I am now to tag eight people, and leave them comments, but we’re all abusing technorati here, right?

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

My tag-ees:

What Ladder?
Halo
JT
JB
JP
Pen Pal
Shauny
Wakey Wakey