What People Need to Understand: Your MOM’S an Internal Server Error 500

I am taking comments away for the time being so you can just think I’m a self-absorbed dick who’s dooin it rong rather than a non-technosavvy dick who cannot be bothered with MT. I would rather sew up my own cervix then look under the hood of yon gentle Movable Type.

What People Need to Understand (that sounds like a great lead-in to the craziest part of the manifesto, doesn’t it?) is that oh god oh god I so need a box to write into and a button to push at the end. I thought about chucking it and going to paper journals (WHAT is that cheering sound?) but I cannot write faster than I type. I also think I’m addicted to hyperlinking now. Sometimes I am writing my shopping list and I am like Jesus God we’re out of artichokes and then I think HA HA that reminds me of that picture of the guy with the artichoke crammed into his…and then I look up and realize that I don’t have twenty-eight tabs open in front of me, I have only the kitchen table with granola crusted on it even though Hey I Just Washed This.

Anyway, on the fence about the new neighbors here. I think about my neighbors a fair amount, because when you live in a duplex, you share a wall with just one set of people, whom you see coming and going and such, unlike in an apartment, where you may be totally surrounded and don’t want to see or think about any of them. This is just a little theory I’m working on.

So, points against, they are kind of dingbats. On first meeting them, it was revealed during the discovery process that they had designs on our green tomatoes, which did not, as it happens, just fall out of the fucking sky or magically sprout out of the ground. In fact, we haven’t eaten any of our tomatoes yet. I like to share as much as anyone, but don’t be a tomato plotter if you haven’t earned it. There is other social retardation as well, in the form of the inability to introduce oneself before launching into a tirade about something or other that was the verbal equivalent of tl;dr.

Pro: At work all day. Woo!

In the four days that the unit was empty, I took a break from shooshing the girls for yelling or elephanting up and down the stairs or bashing their heads into the shared wall. They went completely feral in that time, and forgot that we live in a shared building. It’s been a challenge getting them to simmer down again, but it’s going okay.

Today I am waiting for a call for the job I interviewed for the other day. I am feeling like it’s a bad sign that it’s 2 p.m. and I haven’t heard anything, but I am also generally pessimistic right now, so who knows. If they do make an offer, I am thinking about what to negotiate for, since the job description is totally different than the actual job. Like on salary.corm, the listed job and the job as described are two different categories all together, but supposedly you segue into the real job description after three months or so. What do you do in a case like this? I guess I will ask for the flensing salary and see if they can throw in a knife so I don’t have to bring my own every day.

Further, I have been up since 3:30 since the cat decided that was the time to learn a new percussion instrument (door banged against wall) and I could not get back to sleep. I sure I will sleep soundly tonight with a stomach full of pot pie. (Flavor: cat.)

I also managed to find a new doctor for my girls. Their family doctor of seven years UP AND FLED like a bandit in the night. I called the clinic to make an appointment and they said no dice. Where did she go? We don’t have that information. ORLY.

I cannot begin to tell you how disappointed I was when I googled her ass and there she was in California. I really, really wanted the sordid backstory: fraudulent credentials, a jewel fencing operation, SOMETHING. But no. Just rudeness. Send a letter or a postcard, FFS, people. Seven years.

Speaking of FFS, I am beginning to recieve harassing phone calls for my ex-husband on my cellular telephone. Awesome. I love a harassment break in the middle of the day, don’t you? The downside of still being connected to him enough that they call me is mitigated by the fact that I get to say, Oh, so sorry, we are not married anymore. I could be harassed all day. I love it. This explains how I thrive as a mother, I reckon.

First Day of School, WOO

Thank god. This summer almost killed me. I now have a third-grader (WTF times infinity) and a little jerk in her second year of the weeuns program. The big one made me get out of bed and dye her hair. Ugh, me and my promises and with the screwing over of my future self. The little one stuck her face in a oriental lily yesterday and got covered in staining pollen. Goo team Insatiable Curiosity!

One

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Two NOM NOM NOM Granola

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I have nothing of any substance to say this morning except this has been one of the LONGEST summers of my life, and not in a good way. I’m FREEEE

Bulletin From Your Vagina-American

WOW I’m a fricking genius. Longtime readers may know that I have special issues with the wetting myself (once, I swear) and being able to pee in public at all. Well, friends, today I had an interview for a job I would enjoy having, I think. I put on my foncy lady clothings and took the metal shit out of my face and tied my hair back into a bun so awesome that undead Melvil Dewey would have immediately taken me as his unholy bride right on the spot.

Look at this, disclosure within disclosure! I have also discovered the wondrous world of Spanx in the past six months. Let me say, you cannot hide what is there. It will not go away. Where will it go, into some kind of weird vacuum hammerspace (“Yeaaaah, I’m only a tubbo on the weekends, thanks.”)? But it will make things smoother. Ensmoothen, if you will, and I know you will. So you can look nicer in your foncy lady pants.

Of course I had purchased the one that was best for wearing under thin summer dresses, and as such provides a fair amount of coverage. So much coverage that you don’t even have to pull them down while you’re out and about. They have this weird gussety thing, and you just kind of…pee out of that. I know, I know. Doing it the first time scared the pickles out of me, because it just sort of feels like you’re wetting your pants or something, but it worked, and all the other times after that, EXCEPT TODAY.

Did I mention I had an interview today? Yeaaah.

I took a loooooong drive to get there, nom nom nomed the coffee all the way there, stuck in traffic, etc etc and slammed a big glass of water before climbing into the car. I was doing the carseat peepee dance by the time I got to within a block of the interview site. LO! There was a giant department store just calling my name.

I wanted to pee and pick up a magazine (No, Jessica Simpson, I don’t want to hear about how you Found Love Again, please choke on your hair extensions) to kill some time, since I am appropriately afraid of the commuting situation in this town and left very early.

I went into the bathroom and got ready to do my thing, positioning myself over the toilet in a way that seemed like optimal deployment. Some ladies, I know, can fire it off with no mistakes or trouble, and can even go standing up, but I am one of those who can get all cockeyed and pee on my leg and stuff. No homo. I was just having that thought, “Gee, this would be terrible timing for me to OH GOD OH GOD what is that FEELING NONONONO!”

There I blew. The pee went all cattywampus and ended up soaking into the edge of the gusset. No NO NOOOOO! I couldn’t stop, though, I had been holding it too long. The problem soon spread about a bit, as it all wicked around. I hopped around in the stall desperately, trying to contain the wetness with wadded toilet paper and prayer. Blot, blot, blot, Jesus God, I am going to be that person at the interview, Spanky McWettibutt. This is my Fergie Ferg moment. It was middle school all over again: EVERYONE WILL SEE AND EVERYONE WILL KNOW. I will be that weirdo who leaves the wet spot on the seat. I can’t untuck my shirt. Should I take it off? Then I will have nothing. I can’t go commando to this important interview.

I imagined myself cramming the moist Spanx into my purse and then them somehow jumping out at the interview (like I wouldn’t just leave them in the car) like a snake in a can of trick peanuts. Nice to meet you, BOINGWETSPANX.

I blotted. I flushed. I tucked and emerged, remembering that no matter what I do, I will do it clunkily and with as little grace as humanly possible. I looked at my butt. I looked at my front. Butt. Front. Butt. Front. BUTT. FRONT. Rhythm! I started to dance. “WHAT IS LOVE? Baby don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more.” I remembered that it was 9:15 in the morning and snapped out of it, making a hasty exit from the large department store bathroom.

I sat down in the car with my legs open a little bit like I had seen dudes do, as if I had nuts to mash or something. I waited til it was almost the appointed time. I peeked into my crotch a little, like it was the aforementioned snake in the can. I could see my pants looked a little darker. Oh dear. It would be hidden by standing and sitting, I reasoned.

I walked into the interview. I smiled. I sold myself like crazy. How was your day?

If you are having no luck with comments, I always like to get an email. (sj at this site.) But not you, Nebulon. No one likes your style.