Finding Emo; Or, LJ FREINDS ONLY!!!

Posted on by

Hey. Heeey. How’s it going? Nice chin zit. Whatever, I hate small talk. Strudel’s dad and I broke up. All I have to say about it is that it was amicable, and that if you know me at all by now, you know that a) it was a while ago and b) I’m okay, STFU. The reason I am telling you is that my writing is/has been changing on this joint. We’re not going to have long walks by the railyard where I cry, we’re going to keep making butt jokes, UNDERSTAND?

US Weekly should have a section of people with more ordinary occupations for that “Stars, they’re just like us” bullshit. I want to see a week of writers who have made agonizing messes of their lives and are now passed out in their own sick. I’ll buy that issue.

Photobucket

Against my better judgment, I am leaving comments open for this entry. Whenever I see emo posts on the internets I like to give a bingo to the person who goes most off-topic. So, bring it on. Tell me about your weekend! Did you have a dream involving cream soda? Was there a bathtub full of it, and we were taking a bath in it, except this shouldn’t freak me out because you don’t like me that way, that cream soda way? Did you see a movie once about cream soda and there was a wolf in it wearing underpants?

OH YEAH, that’s some good off-topic. I cut my finger on a can of pork brains and it is sort of turning green in one place. What should I do? Also, please send links, the more raunchdiculous the better.

38 thoughts on “Finding Emo; Or, LJ FREINDS ONLY!!!”

  1. Blerg. Sorry about the breakup and I am glad you are ok.

    Cream soda’s the ONLY way I like you, btw.

  4. Bored out of my ever-lovin’ mind and all you can talk about is cream soda? Some people are so fucking inconsiderate.

    Speaking of cutting your finger on pork brains, totally cut my finger changing a lightbulb this weekend and it hurts like a mofo.

    I have no idea why I’m swearing so much. SJ, you inspire me.

  6. Tonight I am watching a BBC show called Crimewatch: true crime re-enactments by the worst actors ever, actors so bad that they are not even capable of getting cast in the crappiest BBC dramatic programmes. My point is that although it can be scary (don’t watch it with the kids) I think it will bring you a modicum of cheer if you find it on Youtube. Especially the vintage episodes!

  7. Currently I am obsessed with Kitchen Nightmares. Everytime I make a meal now I imagine Gordon Ramsay going “This is SHIT” or “This is tinned crabmeat.” Thanks, Jean. I will put that on my list.

  8. So, today I was sitting in my car at walmart and I saw this little asian girl walk by with a shirt that matched my panties. It was weird. I thought about asking her where she got it, just so I could have a matching shirt. But I didnt. Curse my inability to talk to strangers.

  9. True Confession time: identical twins that dress identically freak me right out. So when my brother pointed out a set of beautiful kids over at the claw toy machine, about seven years old, dressed like identical Br@tz dolls, I double-cringed and said, “Ew.”
    Then I realized the woman in front of me was A) Probably their mom, because B) She was FURIOUS at me.
    Um. Oops.
    Yeah, I’m that girl. Watch me crash and burn in public.

  11. Boy, am I glad that you asked for links, because I’ve been dying to share this Nathan Fillion porn with someone! You know, Captain Tightpants? Firefly? Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-long Blog? Whatevs. Even if you don’t know him, you’ll love this: Nailing Your Wife. Be sure to watch the whole thing. It’s a hoot.

  12. Dude, I don’t know why you can’t just, like, CALL me when something’s new. Why I gotta’ read about it on the INTERNET like EVERYBODY ELSE? I thought we had something special. Is it because we’ve never met and only exchange two emails (or three? If it’s three, you TOTALLY owe me the news first) Seriously, you never call me. God.

    Anyway, maybe you’re not feeling very fresh lately? Like REALLY not fresh? Just in case, you should prolly click here for some WalMart help.

  13. *puts Violet on Breaking news list*

    Thanks Lorena! Yes, my child is going as Bad Horse for Halloween. This will make us happeh.

  14. “This will make us happeh.”

    No it won’t. Nothing will ever make you happeh again. The sooner you learn to accept that, the sooner you can start taking drugs that will make you oblivious to it. And these people in this comments section? The ones who are trying to cheer you up without quite having the balls to try and cheer you up — because you told them not to — you need to IP block those fuckers.

    Your life is over. You’ll never be happy. You’re gonna die alone and unmourned.

    Call me. We can hang.

  15. WHAT. Also: WHAT. I suspected something of the sort, but still. Maybe you’re okay, but some of us have yet to process the vicarious trauma. Will you be there to comfort us in our time of need?

    Also: If your finger is beginning to turn green, you just might be a Skrull. I hear there a lot of them lurking about these days. But you? We’ve been onto you all along. We let you keep at it though, because… y’know… we enjoy watching you fail. It’s reliable for shits and giggles.

    Embrace your FAIL. Revel in it. Roll around in it, all blissed out. Just how we like it.

  16. I’ve gotten obsessed with progessive blogs – Kos, Atrios, Media Matters – etc. etc. etc. I’m all over it. I think I’ve been to every electoral map on the interwebs, read internals on polls until I’m quoting numbers in my sleep, and generally obsessing. Why? Because obsessing keeps me from actually imagining an Obama presidency, because I don’t want to jinx it. (How sad is that? Like one middle-aged white chick in New York can influence a national election. )

    Sorry about the boy troubles, darlin’.

  17. when i was a kid i lived in a small town in rural new south wales, australia. i think americans have a different idea of what constitutes a small town. anyhoot, it was hella small. i have an older sister and a younger sister, but in all my memories of shopping for groceries in said small town, it was just me and my mum.

    anyhoot. at the grocery store worked a little person, whose job it was to sweep the floor with what i remember to be a very large broom, but proportionally, probably it was just a regular sized broom. anyways, this little person had a meeeeean vendetta against all children and was known to shout at them and chase them with his broom.

    needless to say i was absolutely blood freezingly, muscle conractingly, soul destroyingly terrified of the broom weilding little person and i have vivid memories of shopping with my mum and refusing to ride in the shopping trolley, or on the end, but would only ride on the side closest to the shelves, which not only meant i had to switch sides every time she changed directions, but one the whole trolley fell sideways on me.

    i distincly remember on one trip we were in the aisle where the frozen vegetables were and i was about five, and short anough that i was only eye level with the side of the trolley as i clung to it. we past the little person and it was like everything went in slow motion. i clung to the trollet until my knuckles went white, and stared, terrified, as he slowly turned and looked me directly in the eye, following us as we wheeled past him, slowly pushing the broom backwards and forwards.

    to this day, it’s all i can do to stop myself starting a facebook group to see if anyone else remembers this guy.

    and on that note i AM going to take a long walk to the railyard and cry.

  19. I am so super boring that all I have to add is that I am sorry to hear about the break-up.

    Some things in life just aren’t easy, but I can tell that you are going to make it.

    Take care of yourself.

    Renee

  21. I am boring too. That, and ball-less– both literally and figuratively; Josh totally nailed it.

    So: is Fremont still full of candle shops and yuppies? Did the skeezy hotel right off Aurora & 40th ever get fixed up? I went in there once to see if it was a place my mom could stay when she was visiting, and there was a weird smell of decay and signs like “IF YOU COME HERE FOR JUST THE AFTERNOON YOU STILL MUST CHECK OUT AND PAY FOR YOUR ROOM.” Er. That’s okay, she’ll crash with us.

  22. Fremont has changed a little again. Sonic Boom closed…I dunno. It just feels different. Lots of fratties at the clubs down there.

    As far as that skeezy hotel, they painted it orange and changed the name, if that’s what you’re talking about. It looks better now.

    Thanks for the links, everyone. That Diesel video is AMAZING. In some cases, I couldn’t quite tell what they were doing originally.

  23. Man, I haven’t played with you in a long time, probably since graduation. I need to play with you again. Long time.

  25. I haven’t had access to the internet for about two weeks, except for when I was visiting friends and hogging THEIR intarnets. I’ve been going kind of crazy, especially as I am pregnant and couldn’t easily find comparisons between the size of the baby and food items. We moved and are now about three blocks from the lake. :) That was SOME consolation during the internet-less days.

  26. IF you survive the botulism that is surely growing deep within your finger (probably mingled with the meningitis that you already were harboring for eating pork brainz) then you will probably evolve into a super creature like the Cloverfield critter, shedding tiny little i-assholes to tromp around in subway cars, bite humanz and make them bleed from eyesockets. AH sweet revenge.

    I had a dream last night that I was tresspassing on this weird square little farm that was all lawn surrounded by raspberries, and I wanted to pick raspberries but the kids who lived at the farm (two towheaded boys, 12 and 10-ish) were collecting these huge fist-sized huckleberries, and then we ended up cutting this field of like 8′ tall wheat/bamboo with a great dane tied up to a yolk pulling a machete contraption.

    The Nathan Fillion pr0n brought lulz, thanks to whoever done did broughtened that. Also, hugz0rz for your emo stuff.

  27. I knew something was up; I could tell by your writing. I’m going to be a pain in the i-asshole and say I’m sorry to hear the news. That sucks big green donkey dicks.

  28. Oh, one more thing…don’t know how the job search is going, BUT have you thought about applying as a Technical Writer?

    There are tons of Tecnical Writer positions out in your area that pay very nice. If you can edit well, you can be a Technical Writer. Both hubs and I worked as TWs for years and it sounds like you have good qualifications, but you will have to sell yourself. Go on Monster or Careerbuilder and take a look.

    Hubs and I are thinking about moving to your area, we’ve been looking.

  29. Hey. I’m sick with a flu. Boo. But I am glad to read that you are not sick. Seems like you had the flu (or some sort of malaise) for a good long while. In fact, that reminds me that it interrupted your writing. There were these fretfully long blackouts — no I, Asshole updates. I was jonesing! Then you switched hosts and your blog template changed. That was a bit traumatic but I rode it out. And now you tell me your hair is no longer pink-orange-red??? What next, I ask?

    This is for your homie from New South Wales, Australia:
    http://www.80smusicvids.com/index.php?vid=Men_Without_Hats_-_The_Safety_Dance&a=a

    BTW, your egg hatchery reminds me that when our parents bought our first microwave oven (circa 1976 or something) we kids thought it was so cool to scramble eggs in a cup. It only took 30 seconds!

    Then I moved on to other more challenging recipes in the cookbook that came with the microwave. Like, flan. I made it ALL. THE. TIME. What I wouldn’t give for that microwave cookbook today. God it had great All-American-crap recipes in it. The coffee-cake made with refrigerated rolls that didn’t really “bake” per se but more just hardened like that new fangled artists clay.

    http://takeitoutside.wordpress.com/2008/02/26/gay-porn-twins-go-on-a-robbing-spree-deadassserious/

  31. Krumpy, where do you live? In the US? I might have some microwave cookbooks I can mail to you if you are up for receiving mail from an internet stranger. An e-Stranger, if you will. If I didn’t throw them out, that is. I’ll have to check.

    Styro, holy CRAP thank you for sharing that. You get one million e-Hearts. <3

  34. Sorry to hear about you & Companion; glad it was amicable, and wishing you all the best.

    XOXO

    Obligatory non-sequitur: the ferret ate another wee green frog today, and I am torn between being proud of his hunting prowess (especially since he is terminally ill with liver cancer and should be reclining on cushions looking pale and demanding treats and attention), and feeling horrible and sad about the ex-frog.

  38. Whatever you do, don’t try baking bread. Especially French bread. Do you know how fucking long that takes? 8-12 hours to rise in the fridge, then cut it up in pieces, then make the loaves, let it rise again for a few hours, spray the oven, blah blah blah. Cupcakes are faster, easier, sweeter, and you get to have frosting, which is basically fat with sugar and food coloring.

Comments are closed.