Now, See, Joint Custard Would Be Delicious

It’s been about two months since Franny’s dad up and fucked off to an island, and things have really changed. When he was talking about moving before, I spent a lot of time looking at research and opinion on child custody. After four years of 50-50 custody, I knew I had an opinion about it: it sucked.

Yes, the child gets to experience both houses “equally” and doesn’t become a “visitor” at one of the houses. It’s better than that! The child is a disjointed visitor at both houses. I can’t tell you how many times in the last few months we’ve sat down to dinner and Franny’s tucked in and said, “Mmm, I’ve never had this before,” and before I can think, I say, “Really? I’ve made this several times.”

Whole weeks go by and you can’t stop living your life or pushing onward with your family. The 50-50 kid gets to hear about this later. There is a sense of unease, because the kid is coming and going and you have to say these Significant Goodbyes and Awkward Hellos because you won’t see/haven’t seen your kid for two weeks. They come back, and they are TALLER. You always have to plan appointments and playdates on the first half of the month, or your week. You say “no” A LOT because of timing. You don’t want to send her out to sleepovers because you feel like you hardly see her, but you want her to have a “normal” childhood. You don’t feel as close to your own child as you could, as you should, because there is this wedge of not enough time. You hear about sicknesses incurred, suffered, recovered from, all without any input or nurturing from you. “You had pink eye again?”

Now that she is here most of the time, things have changed. I feel closer to her, and I think she feels the same. There is relaxation and comfort where there was clinginess and rushing. There are inside jokes now. When she leaves, it’s just for three nights, every other weekend. She still complains about having to leave my house, but now she can say, “Oh well, it’s just the weekend,” and we can kind of laugh it off and talk about what we’re going to do and have for dinner when she gets back on Monday. I feel as close to her now as I did when she was a little baby and toddler, before the divorce when I got to see her whenever I wanted. Sometimes I ask myself if I could see the future, that I was going to lose access to my kid half the time, would I still carry on with the divorce? I honestly don’t know.

67 thoughts on “Now, See, Joint Custard Would Be Delicious

  1. I am going through this challenge with my son now. It’s so hard, because it’s not that I want to keep him from his father, it’s just that I want to SEE him. Whenever I want. All the time.

  2. Joint custody is tough. I was a joint custody kid, but it was a little easier for me than most kids because my parents lived 5 minutes away from each other and got along for the most part so I was at both houses everyday. Which meant that it was a little busy, but meant that I got to share as equally as I could in both family experiences.

    I’m sorry you have to struggle with this…I can’t imagine how it feels as a parent…only as the kid- but all in all- I know from what you write that Franny feels the love from you and that you guys are close- and that’s the most important thing.

    Hang in there…and I’m glad you get to see her more now. :)

  3. Mmm, custard. *homer noise*

    At least your ex wants to know his daughter. More than I could say for my father or even my sister’s father. Mom can sure pick em. ;p

    You ROCK!

  4. My (first) ex and I have joint custody. He hasn’t bothered to see the kid in 11 yrs. He’s almost 16 now. Count your blessings.

  5. After some thought about your last sentiment, I had to come back and say…aw shit woulda coulda shoulda. The end.

  6. This was such a good post. Thank you. I have no understanding what the 50/50 thing would look like, but you showed me loud and clear that it doesn’t look great.

    That seems like such a hard way for a little girl. Especially when they just want their Mom and their Mom wants them.

    Take care.

    Renee Khan

  7. Here’s an arrangement being used by a couple I know: They JOINTLY rented a 2-bedroom apartment. The kids stay home all the time; the PARENTS move in and out. A lot of my friends think it’s “hein” (cool word!), but I’m liking the real effort to keep the KIDS from having to pay any penny more than absolutely necessary. And it is fostering a level of civility in what really could have been messy messy MESSY. I’m proud of ’em.

  8. Bobbie, that’s a really cool idea. I think it’d also be prohibitively expensive in a LOT of areas, sadly (absolutely in my area). It’s really a cool idea, though.

  9. Yeah, both mom and dad have decent jobs–not great, but good, and living is not insanely expensive here (my child having moved to Manhatten is giving me alternate paroxyms of oh-my-gad-a-gallon-of-milk-costs-WTFBBQ??! and whews of thinks-ain’t-changed-around-here-much-in-20-years-and-by-cracky-I-likes-it-I-do!), so they share the expenses of both households. They toyed with the idea of a one-bedroom apt., but all agreed that EWWW factor was just too high.

  10. I applaud you for making joint custody about the parents both wanting to see the kid. In our family (I grew up with joint custody) I grew up believing unquestioningly that one of the best things about joint custody was that it let my parents have a lot of time when they didn’t have to deal with kids. Which is a fucked up thing for a kid to believe.

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