My mother has always had a thing for conventionally handsome, muscle-bound dudes. When I was a kid, post-pubescent, I guess, my mom and I would sit around and watch movies on boring Sunday afternoons. Nothing could ruin it faster than one of her exclamations.
“Ooh, look at Mel, isn’t he a hunk!” Mel Gibson would trot across the screen, brandishing a gun and squinting.
She loved that guy from Wiseguy, Ken Wahl, too. I just thought he looked greezy. She would hoot at construction workers with her best friend. Every one of those guys put me off my toast completely. Hairy, muscley, and weird.
Exhibit “A”
She would feel me out at the same time she was making her rude exclamations, like it was some kind of Gay Test. It was too late for her, though; I knew I liked girls when I was six years old and saw the Bananarama video for “Venus” on the MTV.
Anyway, I thought that I liked girls and that it was okay, until I came face-to-face with Jeff Goldblum in The Fly. I was about nine. He is to blame for my love for sketchy tall guys.
Exhibit “B”
He was so weird-looking…and so hot. I even liked it when he started freaking out and growing creepy hairs out of his back. I guess that’s good because I am now prepared for my future with Mr. Husband (who was, ironically, the first conventionally good-looking guy I ever dated).
My next love object was America’s Favorite Squeaky Hemmer-and-Hawer, Michael J. Fox.
Exhibit “C”
This tiny little man took over about three years of my fantasy life, in which we would hold hands and kiss sweetly. He would wear his giant sneakers, like in Back to the Future, and we would go to the movies. And stare at each other, I guess. I didn’t really know what to do with men then, which is good.
He was also the star of my first “erotic” dream which involved us together…holding hands…on a bed. I woke up very hot and bothered.
Finally, there is my Ugly Guy Love, which has come in many forms. Sometimes they are tall, sketchy, and ugly, like Neil from The Young Ones (don’t ask). Sometimes they are really goofy, like Steve Buscemi. I told my mom I had a crush on Steve and she totally lost her shit. Once she was done laughing she developed that far-off, how-have-I-failed-as-a-mother look.
But sometimes they are small and ugly, like my Rob Schneider Love.
Exhibit “D”
If Rob Schneider called me, he’d never have to pay for sex again.
In Other News
Remember that job I was pooping my pants about a couple of weeks ago? Not the computer-versus-human job, but the one for the next school year, where I get tuition waived and insurance paid? The writing center, yeah. I got it, hooray!
And now, before you think We at the offices of I, Asshole lead a completely charmed life, I must report that I think I failed Cataloguing 101. Failed. I got a 2.9 on my first paper and a 2.6 on my second one. Just completely didn’t get it. The third paper was a half-assed toss-off so I know I won’t get above a three on that. But I think I got 4.0s in my other two classes, which is depressing because of the disparity and relieving because it will absorb some of the damage to my GPA.
Although, how cool would it be when I’m all famous to have flunked out of library school? I will have to give this some more thought.
I love small, ugly men! I now have one of my own. I got him on the ‘sales rack’ *winkwink*
He looks like a cross between a young Captain Picard, young Woody Allen, and old Steve McQueen.
By the by, one of my favorite things Goldblum says on film is, “I forgot my mantra.” While he’s on the phone at that tacky LA party in Annie Hall.
I’m always forgetting my mantra.
Funniest thing I’ve heard a toddler say in the past week: 2nd cuz Mary Jane, 4, while in the tub talking into the telephone shower head, “Momma, I’m eating coffee!”
She also pet her goldfish, Nemo, about 28 times and eventually he went belly-up. Sigh.
Ooooh, strange crushes. You realise you’re opening the floodgates, don’t you!? Guilty confessions will abound.
I have a thing for Robert Carlyle. I’m about a foot taller than him, and I don’t even WANT to think how much more I weigh, but I don’t care. Weasel features get me quivery.
My first real crush though was Yul Brynner in ‘The King and I’. I don’t know if it was the bald head, wacky eyebrows, or stilted ‘etceteras’, but I’ve never wanted to be a Siamese concubine so much in my life.
Hehehehehe.
I had crushes on rock stars. Peter Frampton and Ozzy Osbourne. Not at the same time. Oh wait, my tv crushes include Don West – Mark Goddard, from “Lost in Space”, Hadji on “Johnny Quest” (I know he was a cartoon, but I loved his voice and the cool thing on his head), and Will Marshall – Wesley Eure, from “Land of the Lost” his curly hair just made me feel all fluttery.
I believe they call those turbans. (In reference to “the cool thing on his head”)
Won’t comment on the dudes.
I thought you were up against some tough competition for the job . . ? What happened to the chick who was more qualified than you? Am I thinking of the right thing?
Scott-san: Yes, that competition was very stiff. I was told I was hired because of my personality–she thinks I can bring more attention to the writing center.
Judging from the party you just planned, I’d say she was right.
Go new job! huzzah!
Alan mafarkin Rickman. mmm. That guy is nasty hot.
Eww, Michael J. Fox! That’s so cool! In a really wrong kind of way. No matter what age you are, liking him HAS to make you a paedophile. Sure, he’s actually pushing 70 or so, but he’s just so… little.
You know, I started off with a point there…
I TOTALLY forgot about Alan Rickman. Mmmm…Robin Hood, Prince of Skeeves.
Alan Rickman is so yummy! I also have a thing for John Malkovitch – he was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen in “Dangerous Liaisons”.
I have heard that lots of women have a “thing” for Steve Buscemi. I must add myself to those illustrious ranks. Let’s not forget Willem Dafoe, however. Mmmmmmm.