Yesterday I was trying to encourage Franny to learn her times tables, since pretty much every child who enters into the elementary part of her previous private school exits without math facts, I have discovered. Now she has multiplication homework and it was hard for me to tell her that she just needs to KNOW this shit, and that there is no way of getting around it short of creating a pictorial representation of six groups of five apples or whatever, causing every problem to take 5,000 years.
I thought we could knock out the zeros and ones quickly. Strudel sat nearby, coloring, and listening to the lesson I was giving. I showed Franny a quick 2 and 3 times chart I had drawn up and told her to memorize it tonight, then reviewed ones and zeroes again.
“Okay, you have five hearts,” I said, drawing them on some paper. “You take this group of five one time, how many do you have?” We were doing the same thing earlier with four groups of six hearts, so she could visualize what is happening. Franny looked uncertain.
“Five,” she said finally.
Zero’s a little odd, right? If you’re going to take no groups, then what’s the point? Fucking stay home or whatever. Don’t talk to me about algebra, either. Just don’t.
“So, you take ZERO groups of any number, and how many do you have?”
Franny looked up at the ceiling, deep in thought.
“None!” Strudel blurted.
I think this is going to be easier for Strudel.
So, that’s happening.
Also, Franny is getting into her sneaky-stealy stage, which I hate. Yesterday she snuck into my room when she thought I was sleeping to take some chocolate off my dresser. I was actually half awake and told her so, and told her I heard the floor creaking and heard her crinkling the plastic bag they were contained in. She told me that she was coming in to see if I was awake to give me a hug.
I kind of blew it off at the time, though I was annoyed. I did not actually see the chocolate in her hand. If a child is going to lie to your face like that, yelling at them or punishing them isn’t really going to help. When I was her age, the most important thing was to never, EVER admit that I had done something, even when I was basically caught in the act. Why do children do these things and then lie desperately so as to appear innocent? They have no concept it makes things worse in the long run.
Earlier last summer we had a problem with candy and anything sweet going missing, after which I found an empty bag of chocolate chips in Franny’s bed, an empty wrapper that contained P.’s missing cookies and a few melted chocolate chips. I also found an empty tube of homeopathic medicine in her closet. She did not admit that she had taken the things even though I found them in her bed.
We had a talk about taking things that do not belong to you. We talked about trust and little things, like don’t eat sugar in your bed and expect your teeth to stay in your head. I reminded her she was welcome to take her own money and buy small treats at the store after dinner, and we often have dessert around.
Last summer she also nicked one of her stepmother’s empty cigarette boxes and brought it to my house, as proof that her stepmother was secretly smoking. Franny was going through a Nancy Drew/spying thing, and her stepmother got in the crossfire of that. So I knew she was taking things from there as well.
So jumping back to later that day of the chocolate incident, after school, Franny was struggling with her math and Strudel cracked her head on the table pretty hard.
Strudel is going through that somewhat hilario four-and-a-half thing where this explosion will hit and she will rocket out of her chair ass over teakettle and hurt herself. It can happen right in front of me and I will be left going “WTF just happened here?” Of course, it is not funny that she gets hurt, but it looks like she gets struck by a bolt of invisible magical lightning. This happens to other fours as well, I know.
So I held Strudel and popped her on the counter and went to fetch the homeopathic arnica pellets out of the cabinet where the vitamins are. Say what you will about homeopathy, but I learned from a friend a long time ago that if you give children the magical arnica pellets and some hugs they will not cry for ten minutes. Alright!
I had just stocked up on arnica and allium for the winter, remembered putting the tubes up there, and had used the arnica a little since buying it, after which I put it back in the cabinet. They were both gone.
I thought for a moment about what to do. I knew Franny had taken the last tube of arnica, and I knew she knew it is not remotely possible to overdose on the pellets, which have a sugar base. I made a big show of looking through the cabinet, under and around teacups and bottles of vitamins and such. “Where could they be? I just bought TWO new ones and now they are gone.”
Franny began acting nervous at the table, even awkward, and claimed stomach trouble and went upstairs and slammed herself into the bathroom, where she stayed for a very long time. After that she spent the rest of her time before dinner in her bed. I was upset, and quiet, lost in thought.
If I accuse her of this stuff she will deny it again, and has apparently learned to hide the evidence better. I took things when I was a kid, and my stepfather used to go MENTAL (shocker) and threaten to lock things up or ground me forever. I don’t know. I am still sorting it out. I don’t like living with a child who is stealing, but I know a lot of them do it. Sometimes it feels like every step is a chance to pull them closer or start pushing them away.
I compulsively shoplifted for a while as a kid. I cannot even being to tell you why. It wasn’t the thrill of it, it wasn’t even stuff I really wanted. I have no explanation for it. I just outgrew it.
Kids are weird.
Have you ever talked to Franny about your youthful stealing and how your step dad reacted and how it made you feel? Why you stole? You talk to her about a lot of stuff. Do you think she could relate to your childhood?
I managed to get out of 1st grade without knowing basic multiplication (I only knew how to add and subtract because I knew that going into kindergarten) and entered 2nd grade in a class that was doing 2-digit multiplication. I still don’t have my times table memorized at all for some numbers (7 and 8) and it is VERY inconvenient on a day to day basis, for serious. Frustrating. If Franny is at all amenable to rote memorization, flash cards might help.
Do you think she would like those old Multiplication Rock songs? I know I did, circa second and third grade. I had lots of trouble with other rote memorization that was required of me, but those songs really stuck with me and every times table quiz was a total breeze.
I have a 14 year old boy and have learned some things that help. First, don’t take it so seriously. that just sets up a fight. It’s a stage you have to get through.
Second, make sure MY behavior is what I want. If I want direct compassionate tactful honesty in my life I must give it, including to my kids.
I still work on the lying with my son, Which brings me to Third, it’s not that there is one thing you can do to change it now for the rest of her life, it’s a life long conversation about why right is right. Tell her why is it right to talk to you about wanting these things. You do know it’s going on. You do worry about trusting each other and have been thinking what to say. etc.
And know there is always gonna be something you have to reiterate the principles of a decent life on. It’s brainwashing. Stay on message. :D
OH and see what consequences she thinks she’s avoiding. Is it just mom saying no to sugar? or is it She thinks it’s wrong to eat sugar, cause it makes you fat so she hiding it but craving it (kids pick up on the be model perfect very early these days.)
Oh load, I was a candy swiper for a bit … until my dad switched a chocolate bar for choco-lax. But I think Franny is way too old to fall for that one.
Yeah, I went through a stealing phase too. And my parents would go mental if I admitted to it, so good evidence removal and denial skills were essential. So I would go your way too with the not-going-mental approach. But I don’t know if it will work. I think sometimes it’s as much about the challenge and the sneakery as well as the obvious (the sugar). I too, was appalled when I found out you just had to rote learn tables. Seemed so wrong! Never did do 12.
Oh Man, I am sitting here, nodding my head. My 12 yr-old step daughter, who is a warm kid with a good heart, is also a liar and a thief. And OMG, the lying right to my face makes me CRAZY!!!
If I confront her on it (and it’s never a question, it’s always very obvious that she stolen, lied, or blatantly disobeyed a rule) she freaks out and starts crying that she’s always blamed for EVERYTHING! She never admits she’s done something wrong, and she never apologizes. I have tried to have several conversations with her about lying and trust – always when there isn’t an immediate volatile situation going on – and it has seemed to do zero good.
If I thought this was just a stage, I’d be less concerned. But she’s been this way from day one (according to her family) and at 12, she should be past it. My biggest concern is that (the lying especially) is an ingrained personality trait (that she comes by honestly, as her mother is a liar), and that people will dislike her – which would be a shame because she is at heart a nice kid.
It’s hard for me because I was never much of a liar, so I just don’t get it. I bite my tongue – a lot….
I went through this, big-time. I remember on the lying that part of it was it was just SO painful to be wrong that I couldn’t stand admitting it. Plus the dumb little-kid thing where you believe if you just STICK TO THE LIE people will have to believe you.
Stealing… I “stole” sweets, and it was because they were in short supply in my house, and the more sweets were restricted and the more my parents got pissed when I “stole” them, the angrier and sadder I got and the more I “stole” them. I put “stole” in quotes because that’s what my mother used to call it, which always made me feel like a horrible criminal, and because I don’t think in real life you can “steal” food that is available in your own house, even if you are a kid. Frankly, this is one of the big things I want to do differently with my own kids: realize that kids go through a phase where treats are a very big deal and their metabolisms kick up, and not make such things scarce or flip my lid when they get eaten up.
It sounds like you are being cool about it. I think you’re right that not getting super-angry is the way to go.
Somewhere around here I have a lesson on “quick facts” which is tricks for learning multiplication; let me know if you want me to send it to you. I seem to remember it helped us. What it always boils down to is just practice and drill, so you may be already doing plenty fine.
With K filching, I just told him that I was going to be able to spot that sort of behavior because I was exactly the same. I think this removes the idea that I’m not going to be understanding, while also providing the knowledge that he will get caught. And he is scolded when he’s caught, because it’s wrong to take other people’s things and it’s wrong to violate the trust of people who trust you. But I also get him to laugh (later!) at thinking he could get away with it. Like it’s all “Oh silly me when I had a lapse of judgment” rather than a perpetual doghouse.
Ah, here:
http://www.abcteach.com/free/m/mulitplication_quicktricks_elem.pdf
Also I have flashcards with really ridiculous graphics on them if you want!
Former (or am I?) thief that I am, I can relate. It sounds like the self-punishment thing is going on here, as per her shutting down. Why can’t she nick the cheap stuff, says I, those tubes are $$$.
I wonder what she’s afraid of (with respect to the stealing)? It doesn’t seem like she’s afraid of being caught so much as – something else I’m not really getting.
I think it’s confusing when parents use sarcasm or innuendo on kids who are too young to really get it – they may parrot you back in ways that sound like they understand, but from watching my own nieces it seems like they copy their parents long before they actually understand what they’re doing. Like using swear words without knowing what they mean, for example.
Maybe if you were more direct with her, like, “Franny, I don’t like it when you take my stuff. Mine is mine, and yours is yours. You don’t get to help yourself to whatever you want.” Maybe she needs you to be a little less fuzzy about what the rules are? Sometimes kids need something really solid to push against so that they know they can trust you. If you’re too soft or squishy or ‘negotiable’ about things, it can make kids feel unsafe, like you’re not really strong enough to be their parent. (I felt that a lot with my parents). They don’t need you to be bossy or angry – they still want to be treated with respect – but they need you to be firm and solid so they know where they stand and can be clear about what the rules are. If you’re too indirect, it feels like you’re letting them negotiate, which gives them more power than they’re really comfortable with. Googling about authoritative vs. authoritarian parenting styles gives some interesting ideas. Authoritative being the firm but compassionate style, authoritarian being the top down, do as I say, not as I do style.
Also, maybe she just needs a stash of her own that *you* aren’t allowed to get into? I remember having that battle with my parents – it felt really unfair that they could have secrets but I couldn’t.
I heard a good interview with Po Bronson, author of NatureShock, on NPR. (http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112292248) I’m not a parent yet, so I can’t attest to how well it works, but here’s what he said about how to handle lying:
“Almost all kids will experiment with lying at least by the age of 4,” he explains. “We should expect all children to attempt lying. The question is, ‘What do we do with it over time?’ ”
Bronson advises parents not to threaten lying children with punishment: “It turns out that increasing the threat of punishment only turns kids into better and more frequent liars,” he says.
Instead, he recommends that parents pause children in the moment before they suspect a lie may be coming and say, “You make me really happy if you tell me the truth.”
As for teenagers, Bronson says the best way to discourage lying is to set consistent rules, but to leave the door open to some negotiation.
“We’re raised on this idea that ‘no must mean no’ … but when [children] are older, we need to see that some arguing with parents is actually a good thing — not a bad thing,” he says.
“[Teenagers often feel that] they have two choices: telling you the truth and leading to an argument, or just outright lying. Arguing over the actual rules is a better alternative and a very different thing than arguing over your authority as a parent to set rules,” Bronson says.
oops, I meant Nutureshock
I burst out laughing in my office when I read your description of Strudel and her explosions!
The worst part for me about getting caught would be admitting that I did something fucking dumb without a real reason.
In related news, if a Ms. G is wondering, I am very sorry for putting that little piece of of the 7th grade physics lab equipment in my pocket one day and then losing it. And not fessing up when she caught me. SO EMBARRASSED. EVEN THEN.
MG lies a fair bit, and I never know what to do about it b/c I was never much of a liar and am still terrible at it. I thought she’d stopped, but recent evidence suggests she’s just gotten better at it, like Franny. We’ve talked with her about trust, and I think she understands in a theoretical way but she…doesn’t care? Doesn’t connect it to her real life? Doesn’t feel like she can help herself? It’s hard to tell.
Anyway if you come up with anything good I’ll be very happy and grateful to read it.
“Say what you will about homeopathy…”
The only thing I’ll say, as a patriarchal bastard Western medical practitioner, is that anything that allows kids to confuse pills with candy is bad. While you’re quite right a kid can’t overdose on sugar pills, it’s a little worrying that she can steal any ‘medicine’ and gobble them in secret. Sets a bad precedent for that hypothetical day when what’s available might not be homeopathic, y’know? How many did she swallow at once, over what period of time, and how long was it until somebody else saw her?
I don’t wanna be a downer, really. And it’s clear that you’re an awesome mom. But for a 66-pound kid (which could be heavy for an 8- or a 9-year-old or not, depending on height), nine extra-strength Tylenol tablets (4500mg) is enough to kill a child dead. Nine tabs. Liver failure. And do those tablets have a sweet-tasting coating? I don’t remember.
My kid can ferret away all the Chap-Stick or ponytail holders she wants, and that comes under stealing/ lying. But if anything resembling medicine goes missing, the place is going into lockdown.
Poison Control national number: 1-800-222-1222
Reference for acetaminophen (Tylenol) overdose in kids: http://pedbase.org/a/acetaminophen-overdose/