So, yesterday I wrote about trouble with Franny and about how she is nicking things around the house and around her dad’s house. I appreciate all the feedback I got about that and regarding math, thank you. I will tell you what happened and then I will answer some of your questions or otherwise respond. I know, I know, two posts in two days? Do I have a fever or something? Maybe.
Yesterday morning I gave Franny a notice: “We are going to talk about yesterday when I get home.” She had a worried look and nodded, and was awkward as I was leaving for work.
I came home and she plowed ahead, telling me about her day and filling the space with words galore, a behavior I recognize in myself when I am nervous about something. I sat down to stretch before running and gave her a serious look.
“So, I think you know why I was so upset yesterday.”
She nodded. And I waited. One of the best things I learned from my college mentor was to wait and give things breathing room in the form of silence. You’re not judging, yelling, questioning, accusing–just staring calmly, waiting. My mentor taught me this in the context of teaching, since that was my plan before I ended up with this little perp who was sitting across from me almost nine years later. I’m sure it wouldn’t work for everyone.
Franny said, barely audibly, “I’m sorry,” and I kind of teased it out of her what for. She did cop to the chocolate swiping, and she did cop to taking the homeopathic pellets. I did not yell and without going into the complete transcript I will tell you I firmly tried to convey:
1. Stealing is wrong, period.
2. It feels bad to be stolen from.
3. It feels bad to be lied to about it, especially when that lie is “I came in to give you a hug” as a cover for candy-gaffling.
4. I thanked her for coming clean and told her I would not punish her this time, since I did not want her to think that being honest was a bad move.
5. How had she felt over the past 24 hours when she knew I was upset about the missing things? The answer was bad–bad in her head, and bad in her stomach.
I told her if she did not want to feel bad, and if she wanted to do the right thing, she should NOT STEAL. Let’s not have to have these horrible confessional conversations. We talked a little bit about real consequences, like people losing trust for her, and outside ones, like being caught, fined, not allowed in stores, and people who steal big things or steal repeatedly can end up in jail. I reminded her that she can and should spend her own money and treat herself, and that it is okay to WANT things.
I told her that in the end it was her choice what she was going to do with her life, and what kind of person she would be, and that I prefer that she be a person who does not steal.
What will I do next time, assuming there is one, or assuming I catch her? I don’t know. Again, I am loathe to accuse her falsely or to punish her for confessing.
I am trying to lead by example, something that has permeated a lot of my life since having children–I think about my vices, exercise, eating habits, treatment of others, etc. Recently we found a iPhone in the park and returned it that day by making some calls on it. Franny could see how effusively happy the man was when he got it back. Sometimes Strudel tries to walk off with things in stores due to her (and me) forgetting she is holding them and we go right back and pay for it. I don’t know what else I can do, really, but encourage her and have timely conversations, and HOPE. Her father thought that the world was there for the gaffling and the scamming but it is too much effort and too little pay off for me to live like that. I would rather see happy people getting their phones back, honestly.
Speaking of happy, after we talked and took a little break, Franny was utterly thrilled, to the point of skipping to the store. I could tell a weight was off her. I hope to see her like that a lot. I remember being her age and all the weird secrets that were imposed on me by my mother in particular, and self-imposed…I hope she chooses not to live like that. I am trying to do my part and keep my burdens off her, and encourage her to be so completely free like she was yesterday afternoon.
COMMENTS. Thank you for comments. Most will be truncated. You made me laugh and/or think, so thanks.
Brigid Keely said:
Have you ever talked to Franny about your youthful stealing and how your step dad reacted and how it made you feel? Why you stole? You talk to her about a lot of stuff. Do you think she could relate to your childhood?
No, I have not, for a few reasons. The most important reason is that I think she is too much in black/white world right now, and will not be able to look at everything she knows about me and say, well, mom learned her lesson and got better. I remember being her age and learning things about relatives that disturbed me and really tainted my image of them. When she is older and the world becomes greyer I will tell her more involved accounts of my history. For now I think it will be least confusing if I appear to have the moral high ground.
Tyleetwen said:
Do you think she would like those old Multiplication Rock songs?
YES, this is brilliant. THANK YOU. I had her listen to the 0-3s this afternoon. I am going to download them and play them until our ears bleed math.
Jane says:
I think sometimes it’s as much about the challenge and the sneakery as well as the obvious (the sugar).
I felt that too. I did get a little rush when I was a kid. She was taking an awfully large risk sneaking across my creaky floor and FAILED.
Jessica said:
My biggest concern is that (the lying especially) is an ingrained personality trait (that she comes by honestly, as her mother is a liar), and that people will dislike her – which would be a shame because she is at heart a nice kid.
I have encountered kids like this, and to a certain extent I was that kid. You kind of want to shake them and say exactly what you said, but everyone has to choose their path, right? I think one of the greatest unfairnesses in life is the pain of watching people make terrible choices.
M0g0 said:
Stealing… I “stole” sweets, and it was because they were in short supply in my house, and the more sweets were restricted and the more my parents got pissed when I “stole” them, the angrier and sadder I got and the more I “stole” them. I put “stole” in quotes because that’s what my mother used to call it, which always made me feel like a horrible criminal, and because I don’t think in real life you can “steal” food that is available in your own house, even if you are a kid. Frankly, this is one of the big things I want to do differently with my own kids: realize that kids go through a phase where treats are a very big deal and their metabolisms kick up, and not make such things scarce or flip my lid when they get eaten up.
I am wonder if you mean there was, say, a community box of ice cream bars and you would eat them when no one was around. I would get bitched at about this, but my mother would not use the word “stole.” I am okay with Franny eating things that are around the house, but there is a line with Personal Chocolate and such. We all have it.
Anne said:
Somewhere around here I have a lesson on “quick facts” which is tricks for learning multiplication; let me know if you want me to send it to you. I seem to remember it helped us. What it always boils down to is just practice and drill, so you may be already doing plenty fine.
Thank you for the link!
Dorrie said:
Former (or am I?) thief that I am
HEH
Why can’t she nick the cheap stuff, says I, those tubes are $$$.
Seriously.
grasshopper said:
If you’re too soft or squishy or ‘negotiable’ about things, it can make kids feel unsafe, like you’re not really strong enough to be their parent. (I felt that a lot with my parents).
I agree.
Also, maybe she just needs a stash of her own that *you* aren’t allowed to get into? I remember having that battle with my parents – it felt really unfair that they could have secrets but I couldn’t.
Well, I am not going to go out of my way to build her one, but she does have free season on the grocery store on her way home from school and one weekends.
Hi.D said:
I heard a good interview with Po Bronson
Thank you!
Thanks, everyone. I will update. Back to vaginas and me being mental or cooking tomorrow.
I told you how things had been with us yesterday because I think it’s good when confronting a Parenting Moment to know that other people have confronted the same thing. What I should have also said was that you are a fantastic mother, that Franny is so lucky to be growing up with you, and that by continuing to let your parenting be guided by a combination of your amazing instincts and your gargantuan intellect, you will continue to do right, the most right, by your daughter. Uhm, as demonstrated here, for example.
I’m really glad “real” parents like you (as opposed to folks who sugar coat everything, only tell the good stuff, etc) are blogging because it’s very refreshing and helpful. Thanks for sharing this. It sounds like you are really working this out productively with Franny.
Yep, that’s what I meant — my parents would get pissed and claim I was “stealing” when I ate stuff from the refrigerator in amounts they thought were immoderate, which I still think was really effed up of them.
Personal chocolate is different, obvi.
More times tables fun time: http://ask.metafilter.com/135053/times-tables-without-trauma
Also, segments of the old math PBS show Square One are on YouTube. Dunno if they are on dvd, but they are awesome.
Dude, now I feel like a dick for going on about poisoning and stuff. You handled this really well, and I’m totally using your blog as a resource when my kid gets older. But screw it, it’s important enough info that I can risk looking like a tool about it; people might write down that phone number, or be like “NO WAI” about how few tablets of grown-up medicine can make for The Badness in kids.
Hi Feb, thanks for the feedback. I am not trying to sound like Smug Mom with Genius Child, but she really does get it. We have had many talks about it Tylenol vs. the pellets vs. vitamins, etc.
I think at this point I am just done with them, as my youngest is older and a pretty tough monkey, and obviously the temptation is too great for the big one.
ETA: W/R/T poisoning, Feb is referring to comment left in previous post.
HAY… Totally on last weeks topic and everything… But back to that multiplication thing, does Franny skip-count pretty well? I got a hip-tip from another mama recently to help kids learn to multiply and skip-count.
Get a roll of register paper if you want to do this inside. Write slightly big numbers with a marker from 1-100; tape it to the floor (long hallway?) and start with the little numbers. March in time 2-4-6-8-10, etc. all the way to the end. Then 3-6-9-12-15-18; get that sense ingrained that going past 20-30 isn’t scary, there’s a pattern there. Then move up to the harder numbers; make up a chanting tune as you do this, start at the beginning and step on the number as you go.
If you don’t have the space to do this inside, or you want to do this outside, you can use sidewalk chalk on the sidewalk, a long patio, or the basketball court at the park or a school. My kid is a year younger, we’ve been using this a lot and he thinks it’s fun. Other faves, doing his spelling on the swings or while hopscotching. Anything that requires repetitive rhythm would work.