Happy Birthday, Asshole

I share a birthday with Auntie Jaguar, Mr. Husband’s sister (Frannie named her, not me). I cannot stop myself from saying rude things to her. I’m sure she thinks I’m the rudest, most immature twat who ever drew breath. I have a theory that we all have this person. The person who never sees us being smart and warm and funny (without being scathing, anyway). The person who wasn’t there when we spent all night with our crying friend who just got dumped. They will always think you are the Devil and a two-year-old rolled into one ugly package. It is even worse if you are married to a member of their family.

We were out at Wasabi! last night, eating sushi, and I was on my third foo-foo drink, a mango kamakaze, when Mr. Husband’s father pulled his cell phone out. Finally, it came around to me after everyone else had talked to her, and I wished Auntie Jaguar “happy birthday” and she did the same in return. She tried to launch into conversation with me and I brought her up short. The restaurant was noisy and I just felt like a tool.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m going to have to talk to you later. I feel like a jerk talking on a cell phone in a restaurant.” And then I said goodbye and handed the phone back to Mr. Father-in-Law.

“Hmm,” Mr. Father-in-Law said into the phone. “I guess we are being rude.” He wrapped it up after that and dinner went on just fine.

Only I could wreck a thirty-second telephone call with Auntie Jaguar. We take three steps forward and two steps back every time we talk.

15 thoughts on “Happy Birthday, Asshole

  1. I think it’s rude to MAKE you wish her a happy birthday. Why the fuck couldn’t they call her from home? I hate the fact that cell phones have done away with common decency. People are SO upset when telemarketers call them at dinnertime, but have no qualms about calling someone on their call phone while they’re out at dinner. PEOPLE!!!! Phones are phones, and you should use them responsibly. No one wants their dinner interrupted by you yakking away on your phone. Phonecalls should not happen at dinner. Period.

    Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think you’re right on. Talking on a cell phone in a restaurant SHOULD make you feel like a jerk, and shame on your Father-in-Law for making you do that and then calling you rude!!!!

  2. while i’m not as militant about phone calls in public (emergencies happen–not that this qualified for that status, but should someone need me or i need them, i am as unobtrusive as god can make me–i can’t stand cell phone chatterers in public either), i understand feelin’ jerky! :) but as you say, some people just make you feel like you’re two. how to deal with those people? my guess, from personal experience (i have my own auntie jaguars) is that it likely will never change. no matter if you tried and beat your skull in trying to change their minds, their opinions of you (and probably of others they know) generally remain stagnant and inaccurate…so why waste the energy? :P so you just go on and BE that asshole, asshole! :D happy birfdee to YOU! can i git a wha-wha?!?!

  3. I think you’re really rad and you shouldn’t worry about that phone call. I mean, it’s not like you were making it from behind the wheel of a car. Happy birthday, love.

  4. Happy Birthday, dearie.

    Went to Japan a few months back. I expected to see people chattering away on their cel phones in all the restaurants, but it didn’t happen. Anyone who received or needed to make a call went outside, and returned when the call was over. (The gadgetry is way cooler than ours, too–those camera phones? So two years ago, please.)

  5. I understand. It’s all timing and averages.
    Eventually you’ll end up in the same room alone together, whistling and nervously cracking your knuckles. Plan ahead, open with a joke :)

    I dont’ sense any hostility between yous guys, but if there’s ever a catfight please ensure it’s video’d.

    Happy birthday SJ

  6. I really despise my sister-in-law too! She is a money hungry, hypochondriac, self-centered bitch. Seriously. She called me one day to ask if I had any extra painkillers around the house b/c she had a heacache. Even if I did I wouldn’t give them to her.

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