D-I-Y Asshole!

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Hey, Jerks! Think that the fucker at this blog doesn’t update often enough? Need MORE Asshole? We at the offices of I, Asshole proudly present: “Quit Whining and Do-It-Yourself, Asshole!”

Choose One Or More From Each Section to Make Your Own I, Asshole*:

One: Title

Choose one from A and one from B:

A: Hey/OMG/In Which I, Asshole/I Hate/Dicklicker

B: Fuckers!/Eat Me!/Shut the Fuck Up!/Boys!/Humping!/Assmittens!

Okay, a title! Now we’re cooking with gas!

Two: Subject Matter

Choose one or more essay topics from the following:

-I drank too much last night!
-My little girl is driving me crazy/I love my little girl sooo much!
-My baby daddy!
-My issues with my mother!
-How/why my sister owns!
-My giant rack!
-Something about vulvas/personal hygiene/personal hygiene and vulvas!
-Graduate School is destroying my soul!

Bonus! Combine one or more topics.

E.g.: “I drank too much last night and now my little girl is driving me crazy!” “My sister owns…my vulva!” “My issues with my mother are affecting my personal hygiene and my vulva!”

Three: Visual Enhancements

Don’t forget to post an unflattering picture. Be sure you have a double chin/visible acne in the photo.

Four: Essentials

Careful statistical analysis of I, Asshole has revealed that the following words/phrases appear with the most frequency:

Assmitten
Humpers
Perps/Peeps
The F-Bomb and other swears
“If you want the money, you will have to eat my corpse.”
Sex/sex machine
Luscious rack

Bonus! Write pseudo-intelligently and pretentiously, and then sprinkle your writing with lots of swears. Avoid contractions! Tres sophistique and “cutting-edge.”

E.g.: It was a delightful stroll, followed by a veritable repast for the intellect. Fuckers!

If you follow these four simple steps, you, too, can have internet stalkers attempting to buy their way into your pants, as we at the offices of I, Asshole do. Good luck!

*The author of this tutorial takes no responsibility if you get Dooced, flamed by librarians, or lose friends.

11 thoughts on “D-I-Y Asshole!”

  5. ok, let me try.
    —————-

    OMG, Humping!

    My giant rack!

    >:~[] (sans double chin and acne; couldn’t figure it out into text)

    Luscious rack.

    —————-

    nah. i aint feelin’ it.

    dude, i can not believe they sell vibrators on amazon!

  6. that is the best amazon (fuckers!) wish list i have ever seen. but speaking of stalkers, the single most trafficked page on my site is one talking about boobs and a conversation between an ex-person of yours and myself. but i think you’ve read that. about me joking about scanning my giant rack. anyway, hope to see you one of these days and drink too much last night if we both manage a SWUD or something and my job hasn’t destroyed my soul. i still have to mention humping. hmm. well my boyfriend really loved that i went to see the waxing dominatrix the other day. then it makes you want to wash all the time just because it’s so fun.

  7. I _so_ meant to pull a blogger and make one of these but mom’s been in town and it would no longer be funny.
    so i’m a loser.
    thought you’d like to know.

  10. SJ, girl, you kill me, I love you to pieces, you are a seriously funny person, I think you should give up this whol grad school crap and go into entertainment biz, you entertain me to no end, I thought I was a wack-job!! People point and stare at me when I laugh (kinda loud) but fuck ’em!! I think I have more fun then them, and by the looks of it, so do you, have you found a new mr man yet? Dont worry if ya dont, all they want is someone to wash theyre shorts and a hole to stick it in at the end of the day, do I sound bitter? im not really…..lol, anyways, I just mean, it can be lotsa fun to be one of the girls and enjoy life semi-complication free (w/o the men troubles) added to it. So yeah, just wanted to tell ya, your funny shit man.

    loven it!!!!!

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