Vapor Lock; Or, These Boots Were Made for Choad-Kicking

Sooo I’m being sued right now. By GUESS WHO.

Hi there. Thank you everyone who has had a three-hour conversation with me recently.

“I am Strudel and I do not like this pie.”

This pie has apples, cayenne, white pepper, allspice, cloves, cinnamon, sugar, and nutmeg. Because fuck yes. I picked these apples myself. I think she was just kidding about the pie. What the fuck.


I HAVE a prescription for Lexapro but I cannot make myself fill it. I have had too many friends who have sleep-capoeira’d or have drunk a wine cellar each night. Sometimes you have flight or flight and it’s for a reason, right? I feel like I SHOULD have flight or flight right now, when another person is arguing for a 60-mile round trip to school for Franny. I am doing a lot of yoga at home and am breathing deeply and am enjoying the occasional glass of Original Gangster Xanax, scotch. I would not be fussing with any of this if she wanted the mass commute. She wants things to stay the same, only probably with more candy and pwnys.

Building the guinea pig cage.

Did I choose this as my eternal nemesis fight? I did not. This does not go away. I feel like I’m still not divorced.

So I have a court date November 4.

Which really. He is having girl child #4 on the 19th of this month in the tradition of his babygun only makes girls. I want to say to him, relax, be in love, and you will be happy.

But I filed for child support, sooo. I broke the imaginary compact that says I pay for everything. You know what. YOU KNOW WHAT? No.

Thank you to everyone who has asked or emailed. I have been doing this for ten years and am a motherfucking hofessional. I’m ok, no matter what. Are we ready for court? Yes, we are. Stop, high kick, live blog.


30 thoughts on “Vapor Lock; Or, These Boots Were Made for Choad-Kicking

  1. I’m sorry K-Fed is sucking. Getting sued is not fun. As for the Lexapro, it made me gain twenty pounds and stop being able to have an orgasm…like, at all. So in the end I had to call that one a failure; it made me MORE depressed, because…well, obviously. Everybody’s body chemistry is different, of course, but when I told my current shrink I hadn’t enjoyed Lexapro at all he said “haha, I bet I can guess why! We call that stuff noSEXapro!” So…yeah.

  2. K-Fed makes me stabby on your behalf. That is all I’ll say about that.

    Franny is beautiful and looks entirely too grown-up, and also the spitting image of her gorgeous mom. I know continuing to fight is exhausting, but she looks like an awfully good reason to do it. :) Happy birthday to her!

  3. This sucks big green donkey dicks! Whatever happened to the courts listening to what the child wants?? If Franny doesn’t want to go, that should be honored.

    Sorry you’re going through this. The Lexapro worked for me in a HUGE way, but at that point I was having non-stop panic attacks. It’s not a failure to get help, but I know you’ll do what’s right for you.

  4. Bah. Thinking about you. You did the right thing by suing for child support, what he’s doing is called vexatious litigation in my book and I hope the judge chases him out of court.

    Re the pre-court case stress: I feel you are right about needing to have that adrenaline surge right now, as long as you’re not sleep deprived, you will need to be firing on all cylinders for a while, and meds would take away that edge. Take some Rescue Remedy at bedtime rather. Do something that makes you laugh.

    I insist that my clients eat a proper breakfast on trial days (and don’t skip lunch either). And make sure you get water to drink in court if you need it. Mouths go DRY.

  5. Oh my God that lovely, lovely girl. That smile is the question, answer, and reason. All will be well!!

  6. Well damn. I had hoped you were being silent in blog land because you had eloped with Whatladder.

    At least you have a case based on facts and data, instead of assertions and a good smile.

    All that library school research training coming in handy!

    Good luck.

  7. Figured this nonsense was the source of your silence, and yet I am still disappointed to hear it.
    let me know if I can help.

  8. Just imagine all us internet ppl in court with you. If there’s a gallery, imagine us sitting in it, blowing kisses to you and glaring at K-fed. If no gallery, well, down the back or something.

  9. Hey hey it’s iasshole Q&A time. Thanks for your kind comments.

    Lexapro: yeaaah. My feeling is that I cannot handle anything that even potentially has side effects right now. I love my brain being back from brain fog. SC, thanks for the excellent advice re court.

    How is Franny holding up? She is kind of girding herself for whatever comes next. As I said, she likes the status quo and is hoping I will “win.” She’s stressed. I don’t know if the court will want to speak with her.

    I called this post “vapor lock” because I was locked up and terrified, but I am feeling more positive now. And relieved that the other shoe has dropped…we’ve been in legal limbo since he moved three years ago. I was waiting for him to drop the hammer on his whim, especially after filing for child support.

  10. I look lexapro for a few years and didn’t suffer any side effects. I have massive anxiety and it really helped to keep me on an even keel. I know I’m the exception, not the rule.

    As far as court, I’m sure you’ve documented everything and saved absolutely everything. It comes down to what a judge thinks… hopefully he finds a 60 mile (round trip) adventure to school and back too extreme and puts the kibosh on it. Then again, kids can transfer schools. :( I just hope that doesn’t happen.

    Thinking of you. I’ll nudge you on twitter now and again.

  11. I don’t… I can’t… I do not know how such a fucking moron can even be allowed to try to use the legal system to his own advantage. The fact that this even gets to cause you (and Franny –especially Franny!) stress is ridic. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

  12. Lexapro made me really, really vapid. It was like my personality had been drained out of my head. Also, it gave me horrible headaches.

    Franny looks like she is becoming the beautiful young woman that you are inspiring her to become. Again, I hate that her father is such a moron that he doesn’t see that his actions are only going to cause strife in her world and dislike towards him.

  13. Happy birthday Franny. You just get more gorgeous. And what a great cake.Sorry you’re going through law suit nonsense.

  14. Lexapro: NO. I am stepping down from it and it is messing me up! I am down to about 2.5 mg every other day. Stepping down from 5 mg every day and before that 10 mg every day. Each step has left me feeling dizzy and spacey and a freak. The latest step down I burned two different pans, left my front door wide open when I left the house for several hours, and some other crazy ass nonsense. And there has been no libido for 3 years. None. I’m starting to get to feeling not dizzy and like I might regain my marbles. I am hoping that this will help me to have a sex drive again — and to lose 20 lbs of stubborn weight that I thought had to do with quitting drinking 3 years ago.

    Court: BOO. That blows. What a jerkface. Good luck. I don’t know what else to say except that I hope it is over quickly and has minimal impact on Franny’s tween adventures.

    Pie: Interesting. What recipe was that???

    Strudel’s glasses: Cute =)

  15. Your kids are lovely. SeaFed is a dickwagon. I hope you win your case; it’s just maddening to me when dudes jerk their kids around to control their exes. Like, way to have your kid’s best interests at heart. A pox on him, I say!

  16. What a dickshit. There is a man who simply does not deserve the daughter(s) he has (I’m assuming his family2.0 is not, like, evil incarnate or anything and his non-asshole daughters don’t deserve him; frankly, I can’t imagine any kid deserving him as a dad).

    I hope you get a decent judge and this all works out well. Or, that an anvil falls on SeaFed. You know. Whichever.

  17. Love from Los Angeles. I hope all goes well. Unfortunately, can’t see the pics for whatever reason, but I did enjoy the Nancy S. Go to the mattresses! You’re awesome.

  18. Well, I am going to assume the pictures of Franny are beeyooteeful as usual. I am sorry you are dealing with this, because I am sure the burden is terrible. More so when Franny is looking to you to “win”. :/ I am not next door, but still have an open ear whenever you need to just bitch about something in a closed space.

  19. SeaFed is such a wienie. Actually wienie is way too nice a word. I’m so sorry friend. xoxo to you and your beautiful family.

  20. What a douchecanoe Sea-Fed is. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t know that before, but also – oh hai more proof.

    I can’t see the pictures either. Photobucket is also a douchecanoe.

    You might want to talk to your doctor about your concerns regarding Lexapro – some people do have relatively innocuous responses to it, others don’t. Is there perhaps a lower dosage your doctor could try?

    When’s the last time you had a massage? Good for the yoga and breathing.

    There’s just no way I can possibly fathom a judge approving a 60-mile round trip for a child. Just…no.

    Hang in there. Complete strangers are in your corner (not in the pervy way that sounded, though).

  21. If I could somehow Occupy for you, I would. I’ve never commented before, but I have looked up to you for years. I think you’re an amazing woman, mother and human being, and your writing is the finest kind. I wish you and your girls all the best.

  22. O HAI. I forgot to tell you that I was talking to a guy who belongs to a certain 12-step program and when I asked if he was an agnostic he said, “no, I’m a secular humanist.” I shit you not. That makes TWO secular humanists that I now know!

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