There is One Red Herring and Zero Lies

HEY GUYZ! Since I am such a gracious hostess I’m going to pretend that you DID NOT crash my photobucket with your rubberneckery of “what is even going on with that asshole character anyhow?” Thanks for checking in. I have not seen my bucket crash since Jezebel linked me for reviewing that My New Pink Bullshit labia dye stuff.

Q: You are ghetto for having all your pictures on Photobucket.

A: HEY THAT’S NOT A Q! I am on to you. Anyway, yes, this blog is old and held together with scotch tape. My tech elf is super busy with school and we never quite got the server/photo issue worked out…soooo. And I cannot be one of those assholes who is all IF YOU REDESIGN MY BLOG I SHALL LET YOU TOUCH THE HEM OF MY GARMENT. I need to pony up and pay an artisan for a new design or something. And umm pics will be back tomorrow and I guess I should sack up and pay for a professional photobucket account. SIGH. Professional photobucket is like dick costumes.

Q: It was your tenth blog anniversary in September, and you DID NOTHING.

A: I’m still alive, does that count? It’s true, I did nothing. I was hoping to roll out an amazing tenth anniversary banner that someone cool was drawing for me, and then it did not happen. So I think I need a new banner. I CAN DO IT MYSELF. Alone alone, Poe in a room by himself and some crap. Weeping ravens and shit.

Q: How are you, anyway, weirdo?

A: Uhhh. This is awkward. I am increasingly annoyed at this Q & A format that I am asking myself. No offense, ok.

I saw my consulting lawyer last week. She and I have a relationship going on years now. It’s sad when you have a savings dedicated to the possibility of being litigated on. Imagine a giant ceramic pig whose side reads “WE DONE GETTIN SUED DOG” on.

Lawyer is never therapist and I always make a point to never waste time with the emotional crap since I have real questions. However, she expressed surprise that I was going back to court with such a positive attitude. “I never like to throw this word around,” she said, “but I know you were justifiably overtraumatized by court the first time.”

It was kind of nice to be validated like that. It did not like, make my day or anything. But it is nice to have a professional opinion of the degree of fuckery. And you know what I realized in the end? When this is done, I will be able to write whatever I want for the first time in a few years.

What else is new is that I got a letter from the school district saying that Strudel should be tested this fall (diagnosis: lazy-eyed psycho-itis) and on Saturday, she was. I spent some time talking to her about it and how important it was to pay attention and do a good job with it, if she wanted to have a chance to get out of first grade, which is boring the peas and carrots out of her. I thought maybe it would be a situation like when I took the GRE where it gets harder until you start fucking up and then it gets easier until you know you have fucked up royally. Anyway, I thought she would hit some kind of ceiling with it like when I did advanced placement testing in the eighth grade and the test ended with a bunch of math they had never even taught me before (uh…maybe, unless I wasn’t paying attention).

“How was it?” I said, when she came out.

“It was TOO EASY!” she said.

“Tell me everything. Tell me every single question. Go.”

“Mom, I am not going to do that.”


“The hardest question was like ‘You have 6 pennies and add 2 more.’ THAT IS NOT EVEN HARD.”

Hmm, no, it is not. Supposedly there will be MOAR testing soon. Stay tuned. I am going to be so proud when she builds her first freeze ray.

And I am going to see my imaginary boyfriend Spank Rock later this week in which I will dance my face off. This is my stress reduction method. I’m ok. Thanks for all your comments.

OH YES, I dyed my hair white on Saturday. Pics when they are back up (very soon).

Asshole Girl

8 thoughts on “There is One Red Herring and Zero Lies

  1. I think a large number of people coming over from Jezebel were very sad indeed when they did not get to see YOUR new pink button.

  2. Your lawyer sounds pretty aces.

    Have you considered installing a photogallery on your own server to host your own photos? I’ve technically done so but haven’t gotten around to setting the fucker up yet.

    Color me UNSURPRISED that your kid is a super genius.

  3. as a fellow lazy-eyed psycho, I’ll let you know that I received corporal punishment for being bored in kindergarten. Get that girl some eyeglasses with a giant nerdy prism, she can join my gang, but I’m gonna have to teach her to ride a moped first. Sorry mom, dirtbags only.

  4. OMG fuck yes, that would own. I will email you this weekend! Full credit and linkage to you of course.

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